Friday, November 18, 2011

Yes, I am alive...

As I have received a few messages wondering where I am or how I am doing I figured I should check in with y'all. I got nothing. I didn't step on the scale this week. Why? Because I know my eating hasn't been great and I haven't exercised to make up for it. Therefore, I know it won't be anything good. Avoidance isn't what I aim for but at the same time, why beat myself up further? I am well aware that I am fucking this up royally right now. I am not eating right. I am not exercising. I am not happy with my choices, yet I can't seem to stop myself. It's too easy to eat bad. It's too easy to fall back into old habits.

Why I am doing it is the question I keep asking myself. Perhaps it is all the change I see coming my way that has me uneasy (as excited for the change as I am, change is never easy). I feel like my focus is gone. Not just on my diet but in general. I find my brain shutting down, my eyes unfocused and going glassy. It's always been hard for me to concentrate but it seems when I have a lot of things swirling through my head, it gets even worse. With me, when things get too numerous, I tend to shut down. For example, even though I am months away from moving, I think about it all the time. I think about all the big and little things that need to get done. I can't do anything about most of this for a few months, so why am I letting it occupy my thoughts? Not sure but I can't seem to get them to stop. No matter how many times I tell myself to take a deep breath and let it go, they pop up again. It's like a huge to-do list and I can't check anything off. Hence why it's making me crazy. I am not good at waiting for things I really want. I will put off things I hate to do or don't want to do till the last minute.

Le sigh...I know I have it in me to keep losing weight, but it's not a priority for me right now. Maybe after Thanksgiving, I can give myself some time to exercise and that might help. Ok, not maybe, I WILL make time. I have to. I know it can make me feel better. So there. That's manageable. I can do that. Thanks blog..you always know how to make me feel better (and you, my dear friends as well)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Up and down..up and down.. now I know what people mean by yo-yo dieting! I am up 2 pounds. I have not given up on my goals but as I have been saying for some time now, I have no focus. I see myself reverting back to some old habits but to be honest I'm not sure why that is.Things in my life are going really well in general. I have a new car (thank you to all parties who made that possible!), I have some money in savings, I no longer have debt hanging over my head and I have firm plans to move in with my most amazing boyfriend in April. Life seems to be heading in one great direction but I feel no different on the inside. Perhaps the change (since I am such a HUGE fan of change) is making me want to act out in not so good for me ways. In many ways, I feel no different about myself then I did a year or more ago. I still don't see myself in a light that is positive for the most part. I don't take pleasure in my success. I see myself as average at best. Average doesn't deserve praise as far as I'm concerned. I don't know how to change my view of myself. I hate (deep abiding hatred) self affirmations (they feel icky and wrong and contrite). I've done the therapy thing on and off for years. I am stubborn in my self hatred. It is my comfort zone.

All that being said, I know I must be different than a year ago. While some of the base emotions are the same. The same self hating thoughts floating through my head. I know that I am capable of change. I don't like it but now I know I can do it. Perhaps it's time to baby step my way into some self love (and not the dirty kind you perverts). It is the hardest part of losing weight. Getting over the reasons why you were obese to begin with.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

What's up everyone! I hope you are all doing well on this sunny fall day. I am down 3 pounds which I am pleased with. It's been hard to stay on plan. Mr. Gollum is being quite pushy these days. A little cheat here and there but overall I have been on plan. I think it's important to me that even if I am not perfect that I don't allow that to be a license to over eat. Over eating is kind of my jam. I love the feeling of it to be honest (not the after effects though). There is something about not having to be controlled. About giving in to what you want and not worrying about the consequences. I think everyone has moments like those. Where they don't want to be an adult, with responsibilities. I wish I were one of those people who gets joy from eating healthy. I am sorry but quinoa, whole wheat pasta and veggies will never get my heart racing quite like ice cream, pretzels and assorted dips will (yes I know those are random things but they are what popped into my head first). However, I am learning to appreciate what those healthy foods do make me feel (which is less sluggish and proud of my good choices).

This journey ain't easy folks. I know there are things that I should be doing more of but I am resisting for some reason. I am working on why but for now I am happy to be on a downward spiral..for once!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

It's back kids..Weigh In Wednesday! As always with the first week there was a nice drop in my weight...no big deal..yeah you know..just 18 pounds. I swear to god I am not making this stuff up. Last week my scale screamed 238 at me (it's pretty obnoxious). This morning it somewhat incredulously said 220. Is it really possible to retain 18 pounds of water weight?I have such a hard time with these numbers sometimes. I can't image gaining 22 pounds in 3 weeks as much as I can't believe losing 18 in a week.

My energy levels aren't quite back up to where they were (I mourn their loss most of all). I know that it will take some time (as it took almost 7 months of weight loss to get them the first time). Budget wise I don't know if a gym is do able at this time. That doesn't mean I can't take advantage of the resources I have at home (looks like fitness video's are gonna make a comeback at my apartment!) . One way or the other I am doing my best to stay focused. It's never going to be perfect.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Forgiveness Friday

Forgiveness..something I can easily give to others but rarely( if ever) to myself. However, dear friends and readers..I am giving myself some forgiveness. For falling so far off my path that I am worried I won't be able to find my way back. For not keeping up with this blog in a way that is helpful to me and hopefully entertaining to you. For losing sight of my goals.

We all have times like these. Where living in the moment takes away from the future plans we have. I don't regret any of it for a minute though (well maybe eating nothing but fried food one day which resulted in laying on the bathroom floor for a few hours...I regret that). I allowed myself to indulge and in the process learned a lot about myself. I know that while in the moment it felt amazing to eat the lobster tail pastry so jammed full of whipped cream and custard that I am pretty sure my eyes rolled back in my head several times...........Sorry, I got lost there for a moment..where was I..Oh yes. SO while I enjoyed experiences like that I have gained back 22 pounds in the process. In no way did I intend for that to happen but I did nothing to prevent it either. I have been beating myself up for a day or two now..but realized quickly that it doesn't make it better. I did what I did and I forgive myself. Now it's time to refocus and not allow myself to get off track for a while. The holidays are coming up quick. I want to be as focused as I was last year. I want to feel energized again.

Starting as of yesterday, I am back on Medifast. I am currently at 238 pounds. I am going to focus on that lovely number of 199. I would love to see that number (or less) by Christmas.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Hey...

*peeks head around the corner* Hi..*comes around the corner* It's been a little while. While today is a Wednesday I don't have any weight news to share. Why? Because I didn't get on the scale today. I decided that it was better to leave what I already know (I've gained weight) unsaid. By stepping on that scale to confirm these thoughts I was worried that a shame spiral of epic proportions would start. Not that I don't feel shameful for not getting on the scale but it is on a much smaller scale. So what's up with me? Not too sure. I know that I am being unreasonable, insanely tough on myself and in general pretty pessimistic about my life.

I am going to take the advice of my amazing friend, Nora and not be so tough on myself. I am always harder on me than anyone else. In an effort to not just totally shut down and go into a dark place, I am taking some pressure off myself. By not weighing in this week I took the pressure of performance and meeting the expectations of others off myself. Are these made up expectations? Perhaps but they are real to me. We all go through times of self doubt and questions of self worth. Mine seems to be now. I know I will emerge on the other side. In the meantime, I am going to keep trying to write and work though what is causing these feelings. Who knows what I might find...

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday (Plus One)

My apologies on posting a day late my friends! I just haven't been much in the mood to write. I am down 1 pound this week. Considering I ate a piece of cake the size of a small child on Sunday, I would say that's pretty good. This next month is going to be very difficult for me to stay focused. With a trip to the Jersey Shore for a seafood festival and a Wedding in Boston the following weekend, I can't say how diligent I am going to be. Which makes me mad at myself already. Or maybe disappointed..yeah that's a better word. In general, I am feeling down on myself as of late. I have goals in mind but find that I have no will power to stick to them. I am easily persuaded to jump off track (since being an adult and responsible is little to no fun!). I wrote last week about needing to stick to my guns more but to be honest, I am not so sure what my guns are.

I know I should focus on the positive. I should focus on what I have accomplished. I just can't. All I see is my debt, my need for a new car with no funds to do so with, my non-existent career path and my inability to stay on this plan. Asking for help makes me feel even worse. The only thing I know how to do is retreat into my "shell" and hide until I feel better. One thing Medifast can't give you is a new way to cope with your feelings. I will just have to keep searching for a way to do that. In the meantime, my apologies if I retreat a bit..it's all I know how to do.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Today's message is brought to you by the letter H (for hungry) and the number 3..since I lost 3 pounds this week! It's funny the difference 3 pounds can make in your clothes. My pants are loser already (yet not quite another size down but I do look forward to that next jump). My energy levels are up again (which does have it's down side..I find it harder to sit down and watch more than an hour or 2 of TV). I will say that every day is still a struggle of sorts. Eating during the week is always easier but the weekends are tricky. With so many events to attend it can be so hard to stay on plan. I can do it I just have to fight that little voice in my head that gets all pouty around cake. I am not alone in my struggles. Even those not on a diet are always looking to eat better. What is it about cake that makes it a necessity at any and all celebrations? I wonder when that tradition started? Anyway..more pondering on sociological issues later. For now I am happy to be moving downward on the scale. While the gym is still out for now, I am going to look for yoga/yoga tone classes since I enjoyed those the most.

I am working on worrying less and staying positive. That is a life long struggle of mine but I figure if I don't start addressing it, they will always be issues. It's easy to let the little things build up and weigh you down. For me, it's about being scared of new situations, what people think of me and being able to stand up for myself. Little by little, I am trying to simultaneously become more easy going yet staying firm in my boundaries (even writing that I am confused). It's not an easy task I have before me but then again, when do I ever choose the easy path?

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

My apologies for how late in the day this post is! Life has yet again picked up the pace. In weight loss news though things have gone hyper speed...I am down 13 pounds this week. What's that you say? No, I am not a liar!! I am as shocked as anyone that I am back down to under 220 in a week. Clearly...carbs and I are not friends. Not that I am living carb free but it is wayyyyy less than I would choose to take in. I also know that I didn't lose 13 pounds of fat. However...I LOST 13 POUNDS!! Hot diggity that feels good.

I am hoping I can ride this high through the weekend. I am yet again in a position where I have events (multiple ones) every weekend. That is when things get tough. It is so easy to eat well during the week. There is a routine to it all. On the weekend you are in so many different situations you never know what temptations are lurking out there. All I can do is my best though and if I fall down, I will get back up again. I have to. I am on a freaking journey here people!! And journey's deserve to be finished. (ok I know it will never be finished until I am dead and gone but still you get my point).

I have a lot of emotions kind of swirling around in me but sadly I don't have the time right now to discuss them all (or perhaps you are grateful who knows). I will save that for another day. For now, Happy Wednesday and see you all in my next installment (hopefully more pics to come).

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!

As I stated yesterday, today is a bit of a doomsday. Not only do I have one killer headache (thank you craptacular weather and Medifast) but I also gained another 4 pounds. Bringing my new weight to 232 pounds. Not happy. Not happy at all. However, I am also not sulking about it. I am more mad than anything. Mad at myself. Mad at how quickly 12 pounds seems to jump back on this body. It might explain the back/neck pain I have been having though.

Rather than focus on all the bad things I am going to focus on the good. Here is my list of new goals, insight and motivation for this next round on Medifast.

1. I feel better when I eat Medifast. Despite this headache from hell, I know that in a day or two I will have more energy and feel better over all.

2.I am far less hungry on Medifast then I was eating on my own. To be honest it's hard to find protein that you enjoy as much as a peanut butter crunch bar.

3. As boring as a routine can be it makes things so much easier! Now that I know what life is like off Medifast I am going to do some research into other plans or styles of eating that are similar. Something low carb/low sugar since I think that carbs are really my enemy in large doses.

3. I want to be under 200 pounds by my Birthday. I know that will be the best present I can give myself.

4. I want to be able to wear heels to a wedding in October. (Not sure if that will happen but it's a goal none the less)

5. I am going to cook at home more often (Any and all Medi-friendly recipes are welcome!)

That ougt to do it for today. Until next time kiddos ;)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Again..from the top!

After a weekend full of gluttony I have decided to go back to Medifast full time. I really should say that this weekend was the tipping point. I have been hemming and hawing over this for a while now. It came to a head though during this weekend. I ate everything..every single thing, I could get my hands on. As much of it as I could without vomiting. I knew I was full. I wasn't hungry in the slightest. Yet I couldn't stop myself from reaching for more. Clearly, I still have work to do in the food relationship department. I know that when I step on the scale tomorrow it's gonna be bad. However, taking this step today makes me feel better. I have beat myself up for weeks now and I see the damage it is doing. It's ok to admit that I can't make good choices without Medifast..yet. Yet being the operative word. I will get to that point. I need to get to that point. I'm just not there yet.

Restarting as of today. I have had 3 out of my 5 meals already (that is the hardest part about Medifast..I am done eating by 7 or 8pm). I am taking a hiatus from the gym until my body gets used to the reduced calories. A short one though since I enjoy the classes. I am asking for help from those around me and decline as many requests to eat out as I can.

It's the decision I know I needed to make. I will admit, it felt like a failure. To say that I can't maintain/lose more weight without the help of Medifast. I am over it though. Failure or not my goals are much more important to me. It's not gonna be easy. The beginning of this plan is always tough. I know I can get through it though. One day at a time! See you tomorrow for Doomsday..I mean..Weigh In Wednesday.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Gained 8 pounds. Not much to say about it other than I am mad at myself. I ate my face off this weekend (what else is there to do in a Hurricane?). I continue to eat poorly because well I already messed up this weekend so why not continue it..or so that's what I keep telling myself. I know the right thing to do. I know what I "should" be doing. I just can't seem to muster up the drive, desire, fortitude to do it. Not sure what it will take to get there. For all of those whom know and love me..just do me a favor and don't ask me about it or give any pep talks. I am only going to shoot you down and I really don't want to feel like an asshole on top of feeling like a let down. I know that this is the negativity speaking. I also know that your supportive words and "you can do it's" only make me feel worse. I have to believe in myself before I can let those kind of words in. Right now I am down and I will have to do the heavy lifting of getting myself back up. Thank you all for listening to me vent and understanding me.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Another week gone and who knows where it all went! I gained .08 pounds but I am choosing to see that as water weight (the dreaded visitor is in town..it's gonna be a doozy of a visit me thinks). I think my new plan is working. However, I need to start being more accountable.If I am going to eat real food then I need to keep track of it all. Being more accountable seems to be the theme of the week. I have always been one to avoid adult like responsiblities. Budgets and doctors appointments in particular seem to be my down fall.

However, I think it's time to grow up a bit. I want to be active in planning for my future (whatever it may hold). I do know a few things that I want. I want to be able to move in with my boyfriend at some point.. I want to be able to get a newer car (not so much a want but a need at some point). I want to be able to run (not just away from someone/something but in an athletic way). I want to be able to lift heavy things (such as my own body weight). I want to have core strength. I am doing things to move towards those things. Onward and upward as they say!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

A year ago I wrote this post. I almost don't recognize that it was me writing that post. Now, a year later, I am not only going on mile (2 or more really) walks but taking up to 3 classes at Lucille Roberts a week. However, what sticks out the most to me is the tone in which I wrote it.  I sound so chipper (with a side of sarcasm of course). It's hard to remember that the beginning of this journey (even though I am sooo sick of that word thanks to the Bachelor franchise) every day brought new discoveries. I was on my way out of a depression that was deep, dark and dangerous. I remember having all these wide eyed moments, where I felt like I was experiencing things for the first time. Those moments come slower now. They are, though, no less wonderful. I feel more like myself lately. The right mix of the new me and the old me. I am more responsible, pro active, active and aware of my food choices then ever before. I am more open to re-experiencing things that I once hated. However, I balance all this with a healthy dose of self doubt and negativity. I wouldn't be me without those things. I have to love all the things about me, even the things that get in my way.

Now that I got that out of the way...on to the real purpose of today's post. I am down 2.2 pounds! All this with my modified diet of sorts. I eat Medifast meals through out the day but I am incorporating more real food too. I have allowed myself some indulgences but overall I am making good choices each day. In essence, I have decided to take on the challenge of learning how to eat when hungry. To not turn to food to cure something.

In honor of getting back down to 161 pounds lost I am doing another installment of What Does It Look Like?? It's my gift to all you lovely people..enjoy!


I lost this adorable baby giraffe...did you know they come out weighing 160 pounds?? That's intense

I lost this cake encrusted with diamonds, rubies and sapphires. Because nothing say delicious to me quite like precious stones

Umm..I lost a min horse!!! Does anyone else find that a ridiculous statement because I sure do.
I lost this log...Not sure why you have a contraption that weighs logs in the back of your van but hey we all have fun in different ways I guess.
These disturbing rocks don't weigh 160 pounds but did come up in my search..again..Google continues to amaze me.

 Thanks for all your continued interest in this little blog and of course your support of my efforts!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!

Is it Wednesday already? Alas the calendar in my office tells me that it is. Not a bad day though. I am down 1.2 pounds. I had originally wanted to say 2 pounds but the scale read 221.8 today. Therefore I can't really say I lost 2 pounds (damn you integrity!). I am happy that I didn't gain and even happier that I lost something along the way. I am still trying to figure out the path forward. It is sure to be a bumpy road. However, I have learned that this is a marathon not a sprint. I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life. Now that I have lost 158.2 pounds, I know that I can lose the remaining 60 to 80 pounds. I know it won't be as fast if I choose to not go the Medifast route. Does it need to be fast though? Or should I learn to deal with food instead of bypassing my addiction? Pondering shall continue....

Monday, August 8, 2011

Where Do I Go From Here?

Lately, I have been thinking (and over thinking) about where I am. My focus is shot to pieces to be perfectly frank. I have a lot on my plate (just so you know I wrote that as potato..can you tell where my mind is??). I am not sure where my will power and strength have gone but they are officially in hiding. For the first time in a long time I am genuinely scared to weigh in. I am afraid that the scale will show me as the epic failure I feel I am. Why such a harsh judgment on myself you ask? Because that is (unfortunately) how I roll. I have always been hard on myself. I have never seen the good things I have done but rather always focus on what I haven't done. For those of you not new to my blog I am sure that is ABUNDANTLY clear.

I am not sure where to go from here. I am not sure what the path forward should be. I know I don't want to give up (no matter what that damn gollum says). I also don't know what I want the next stage of this journey to look like. I have really really enjoyed getting to eat with my friends and family lately. I also know that I have enjoyed myself too much. I loosen up the reins and I immediately start to fall back into some old patterns. I am doing things to counterbalance my poor choices (such as exercising at least 4 days a week). However, the realization that my relationship with food is almost as bad as it was a year ago is deeply upsetting. It is things like this that make me feel like a failure. Yes, I have lost 155 pounds (give or take). Yes, I am healthier and happier than I was. Can I keep it up though? I am always going to want to make poor choices. I will always want dessert, french fries, junk food. I will always have to fight the urge to use food as an emotional crutch.

Perhaps it is that, knowing that this battle of making good choices, will always be my burden to bear, that has me so confused. Maybe I really did think that once I lost weight it would change how I feel about food. Funny story. It did not. Having this year off from food, was a good thing. It allowed me to lose a large amount of weight and get me moving again. However, it did not address how I am going to live in a food world once I was done.

My main questions to myself are:
1. Should I go back to Medifast 100%
2. Can I go back?
3. If not, then what am I doing?

As of right now, I have no answer. I have to get past the shame and disappointment I feel for not being 100% on plan anymore. I have to allow myself to see that changing the plan doesn't mean failure but just that..a change. Oy vey people...oy vey.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Yet another busy day here at Camp Lynne! I am sure you can tell that lately I have not only been unfocused but my work load has increased. It is quite the situation I find myself in. So much to do and so little brain to do it with. I'm not saying I'm not smart (my modesty just won't allow me to lie!). Rather it is that I have a finite amount of concentration. Once I use that up for the day you may as well just push me in front of the tv and throw a bib on me for the drool cuz that's about all I'm good for. However, this week will allow me the very much needed down time to catch up and recharge my batteries. Don't get me wrong, it's great having plans and things to do, just not all the time. We all need time to sit and think and I finally get to have some of that time to work out the next step in my journey (even though I am sick of that word thanks to the Bachelorette). 

Before I leave you for another all day conference (hence the early morning writing session) I should probably tell you what you really came here for huh? I am down 3 pounds (which is a shock to say the least). Insert happy dance here...you know what..why not..let's do it!!



Happy Wednesday Everyone! May your day been filled with this level of happiness ;)

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Since I know there would be an uprising in the streets (seriously..like riot gear needed and everything) if I didn't post today, I am here. I don't have much time so it's very short..no loss, no gain. I am not sure where my heads at but it's not focused on weight loss I can tell you that. I think I might need to come up with a new strategy. I have to realize that my life now is not the life I had a year ago. If I keep trying to do the same things I was doing but the situation is totally different, am I not the definition of insanity? More on that subject another time..for now it's off to a mandatory office retreat (can't you just feel the excitement???).

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

I figured I might as well bite the bullet and get this post over with. I gained 6 pounds. It's amazing how one weekend of eating off plan can shoot my weight through the roof. I have undone all the work of the past 2 weeks in ONE weekend.  I know that it won't stay around forever (maybe not even through to next week fingers crossed). As you all know I am struggling (big time) with staying on plan on my weekend excursions. It's just such a great excuse to go off plan and eat foods that I haven't in forever. I don't regret the foods I ate this weekend. My amazing friend Fran made us a seriously gourmet meal and I wouldn't trade that in for anything. I would, however, like to go back and make smarter choices. It's like once I allow myself to eat off plan for the weekend, all hell breaks lose. I still don't know how to control myself around food or make smart choices. Smart choices are boring. Smart choices don't make me feel good (in the moment). There are times that I miss being able to eat whatever I want.

All that being said though, I wouldn't want to go back to how things used to be. While I am struggling, maybe a little overwhelmed and down on myself, I am overall MUCH happier (and healthier) than I was. I have made a bargain with myself. Get through the month of July as best I can, then starting in August it's back to 100% on plan. Rather than continue to beat myself up I am going to set myself up for success. I am not going to go haywire in July or anything, just taking some of the pressure off myself. Not sure how that will work but we shall see.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!

Good morrow all my lovely friends out there! I know, I am actually posting this before Noon (aren't you just tickled pink??). I bring with me news of 2 pounds lost (at first I thought it was 3 pounds but then I realize I forgot what I weighed last week..it's hard keeping track!). You know what that means don't you??? I am officially down 161 pounds and under 220 pounds for the first time in decades!! I am a mere 20 pounds away from being under 200! To me that is like going to Disney world all over again! It means that I officially get to be in the overweight category instead of the obese. Not to mention it will be the first time since I was a teenager that the scale starts with the number 1 (Booyahhh!!). It is all very exciting. I know that my weight loss will most likely look this way for the rest of my journey (losing between 2 to 4 pounds a week depending). I am getting better with seeing the smaller numbers, especially since I know I earned each pound. Working out feels amazing and is worth the possible cause of slowing down my weight loss. It means that I am getting healthier not just smaller.

This also means something else very exciting...another installment of "What does it look like??". I have to say I enjoy doing these posts almost as much as I enjoy losing the weight itself!


I lost this preserved Pope (nothing says respect like a light up casket..am I right??/)

I lost the metal base to this table (I am picturing this on the set of Miami Vice)

Another reason to love Google...this image comes up for 160 pounds...why? God only knows.

And just so I can ruin your breakfast I lost Rapper 50 Cent when he was trying to start his legitimate acting career by losing 40 pounds (see how well that turned out)

I hope you all have a great day! Yogatone tonight (let's hope I don't have the hyped up version of Jill Zarin (from Real Housewives of NY) as an instructor again!)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Why hello there! Fancy seeing you here...oh you came to see if I updated my blog yet? Good news person reading this..I am here to update you! I am down 4 pounds this week..which means I am 1 pound away from another installment of "What does it look like?" ( I know your brimming with excitement aren't you!). Not to mention I will have a new number under my belt (160 pounds lost) and I will 21 pounds away from being under 200 pounds. Major milestones are coming folks!

As many of you saw last week, I am really struggling to stay focused as of late. It's still a daily challenge. In every way it's harder then when I first started. There are so many more distractions and "reasons" not to eat well. The biggest reason being my anxiety and not knowing how to deal with it. My biggest fear is being realized. That without food  I would not be able to handle my feelings. However, in realizing this I have already fought half the battle. I know (rationally) that I am stronger than the anxiety in my head. I just need to learn new ways to deal with it that doesn't involve a gallon of ice cream. That pesky voice in my head (Gollum as I like to call him)  is very sad to hear this. It doesn't want to grow up and be responsible. It wants it's freedom back to reek havoc on my life. Oh little Gollum, don't be silly now. I'm not letting that happen again...remember what happened last time I let you do that?

Ohhhh right...yeah...that smile..a total fake. Now this smile....


100% genuine..and I would like to keep it that way. It's not about  my body, it's about how I treat myself now. I know I need help (no shame in that) to keep Gollum at bay. I am looking into finding someone to talk to. Just another step in the right direction. It's the harder path but it will make things easier in the long run.  

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Let's start off with the bad news first...I gained 2 pounds, I am starving and I think about food all day every day. I dream of ice cream, cheeseburgers, frozen yogurt (yes it is different than dreaming of ice cream) and fresh fruit. I am tired of having to explain why I can't eat things, why I don't drink alcohol (not that I really drank before this journey but it seems different now) and always having to say no.

Sorry kids I just needed to bitch for a few there. I am having a tough time with my emotions as of late and I have a tendency to keep them to myself. Which as we all know is never a good idea. I know that most of this is coming about because I am finding myself in more situations that are outside my comfort zone. The one great thing about being fat was that I always had a readily available excuse as to why I couldn't do things. I no longer have that excuse and having to be honest about my anxiety is hard for me. Meeting new people, being around children and large crowds are just a few things that shoot my anxiety levels through the roof. It is based around the idea of having to have people like me. I feel like I have to put on a great act, to mask my gargantuan amounts of self doubt, anxiety and general negativity. It's not that I don't like the new people, or children in general (crowds can go shove it though) but it's exhausting having to hide all those things. I don't know how to stop the anxiety, since I used to use food to help make those feelings subside. I am not sure how I am going to deal with these things, but I guess acknowledging that they exist is the first step.

The good news of the week is that I joined a gym! I decided to give Lucille Roberts a try since it's the cheapest gym in my area. Even if it does conjure up images like this...

(And I will say there was one woman there yesterday who was rockin a neon green one..but she looked batshit crazy anyway) . I am looking forward to having a gym that I can have my own time in. I may even try some of the classes they offer. It's a step in the right direction. It might slow my weight loss down but I know I feel better after working out. Let's see what happens.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!

Wow..3 posts in a week! You must all be bowled over right now! I know I am. Today brings with it another 3 pounds lost. How fitting no? I have been watching what I eat (perhaps indulging in a little extra whip cream or peanuts now and again). My stomach is still getting used to eating this way again. Mostly I seem to have an issue with my lean and green. I always feel nauseous afterwards. Maybe I got some bad lettuce or something?

 I am still not back to exercising yet. I have walked one day this week but I will be walking plenty over the next couple of days. I am taking a mini vacation into NYC with my man (insert big goofy smile here). I mentioned yesterday that I am falling back in love with the city. I am so excited to be there with him, to go exploring in places I have never been. Going to the city used to be a nightmare for me. It's hard to love going to a place where you are sure to suffer at the hands of others. In no other place was I treated so poorly as I was in NYC. Without fail, I would be called horrible names, laughed at, openly stared at, had food thrown at me and had children say the most unimaginable things about me. The list could seriously go on. Not to mention, when you are 380 pounds the last thing you want to do is walk around the city. Even in the winter I would work up a sweat something fierce. I could always write off hating the city as not liking the "hustle and bustle"(I am still not a lover of the big crowds in Times Square). Deep down though I knew I was avoiding all the pain I would feel, emotionally and physically, and who really wants to put themselves through that?

In looking back over my journey I realize now just how limited my life had become. The city is just one example of how I would push back from life. I didn't really get to experience my 20's the way others did. I hid. Behind food, behind my fat, behind a huge wall I had built. I lost friends, almost ruined other friendships and did major damage to my self esteem. All so I could have the "freedom" to eat what I wanted when I wanted. I know there are deeper emotional issues behind that but I feel I have rambled on long enough.

I try to not have regrets, for all the mistakes you make bring you to your present, but I will always mourn the loss of my 20's (not that I will dwell on it because everyone loses their 20's...that whole pesky aging process). I am fortunate enough to have rebuilt and strengthened friendships, to regained my love of things I thought long dead and am finding more ways to love myself. Losing this weight involves getting rid of my old notions and seeing them through a new lens. I am rebuilding my life (which sounds somewhat daunting) and I am going to make sure I live it to the fullest. Happy Wednesday my friends...for today is another day to make changes and see what new things you can build for yourself!
(p.s. not sure when I started sounding like a self help guru..but hey the truth is the truth!)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Happy Mediversary to Me!

1 year. 365 days. 8,766 hours. 154 pounds. I can't really find the words today to express how I feel. It's hard to summarize an entire year of your life isn't it? Not just any year either..a year of major changes. While I am still, at the core of me, the same person, I am forever changed. In a strange way, I feel blessed to have gone through what I have. I don't mean the weight loss. I mean being the weight I was. If I had never weighed 380 pounds I never would have known how amazing life can really be. It gives you such an appreciation for the small things, that most people take for granted (hell even I take some of it for granted now). We all have struggles in our lives, things to overcome.I will still struggle, for that is life, but it wont be in the same way it was before. As my mother said (wise woman that she is) "You will never have to lose 154 pounds ever again". I will never go back to where I was, but I am glad I was there. It is all part of my own personal journey through my time here.

In celebration of my Mediversary let us revel in some of the things I have been able to do this past year!
  • Go shopping in a normal store (which I haven't been able to do since before High School)
  • Fit into an airplane seat and buckle the seat belt without an extender
  • Sit Indian Style (I know, I know it's not PC but come on!)
  • Ride a roller coaster
  • Ride a bike
  • Make healthy food choices while eating out
  • Exercise and grow to love it (never thought I would be that person!)
  • Sit in a booth in a restaurant (When I sit in one now I can't imagine that I was ever to big to not fit..they seem huge now!)
  • Enjoy the summer months without sweating from the slightest movement
  • Go into New York City and not be mocked, stared at or have names called out at you. (I am actually falling in love with the city for the first time since HS)
  • Enjoy having my picture taken
  • Doing things for myself and being able to say No (being able to make yourself a priority is hard to do when you hate yourself)
  • Opening up myself to the possibility of falling in love and having the Universe send me Brian. Who loves me for me (my looks are a bonus)
  • Being excited for my future
These are just a few things I can do now that I couldn't before. I don't know where this journey is headed but given what I have seen this past year, it's only towards good things! Thank you all for sticking with me through the good, the bad and the ugly. The biggest thank you though goes to me. I am never one to give myself a pat on the back but I gotta give props where props are due. 1 year and I never gave up. I want to give the little girl inside of me a big hug and tell her "You are worth all the things you never thought you were. I am sorry I put you down and hid you for so long. You are free. You are free". This next year is all about that..freedom and what I do with it. Let's see where the road takes us...

Monday, June 20, 2011

Oh how far I've come!!!

It's intensely strange to be sitting here knowing that 1 year ago tonight I was in a totally different place. Granted, it's the same couch and same living room but where I am in my life is kind of mind blowing. Even though tomorrow is technically my Mediversary, I think tonight is just as important. I will save my rambling of emotions for tomorrow (because as you know, my friends, I love a good ramble). A year ago today I was worried about failure, hunger, and if this plan would work. Now, I am just excited for what tomorrow has to offer, all of them. Tomorrow I will share with you some things that 1 year ago I couldn't do. Tonight though, would you care to see some new pics?? ( I am pretty sure I just heard a universal yippie!!) 

I figured start off with the sassy one first

How you like me now?

These pants are starting to get lose me thinks!
Umm You can see a lot more of the wall now huh?
I will let that one speak for itself!
There is still such a major disconnect for me when I look at these picture. Part of me can't believe I was ever that size. Part of me can't believe I am the size I am now. It's  all so surreal. Yet what I do know is that I worked really really hard for this. I have not only lost 154 pounds but I am slowly losing my unhealthy relationship with food. One day I know that I will be better with food than I am today. Never perfect (for who is) but better. That is what I have learned. That things can always get better if you let them.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

It's Wednesday already??

Funny story..I had actually planned to make more posts this week in celebration of my upcoming Mediversary. However, as these things go, I have not dedicated any time to it. Life is busy people! However, I promise here and now that I am going to take some me time and really reflect on my earliest posts. They are important in understanding just how far I have come. Also, the sister and I will be doing a photo shoot this evening so new shiny things for you to look at!

In other news..I am down another 2 pounds this week! I am pleased with this, more so because it was an up and down week. I am finding it hard to be 100% but I have done it. I fight with myself each and every day. It's far harder than in the beginning. I think because when I look in the mirror I really like what I see. I can honestly say I feel pretty. Actually pretty doesn't cut it. I feel beautiful. For the first time in my life I can look at my whole body and say (even with it's imperfections, loose skin, bumps and bruises) "I am one good lookin chick". I have an extra swagger in my step which I would only have on a rare occasion before. Therefore I have less of a drive to change it. While I am still in the obese category I feel better than I have in years!! While I still have my goal I know it will take longer to get there than this past 154 pounds did. I am ok with that. This is a life long journey so I have to take it one day at a time (similar to AA one might say)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

We've Hit A Milestone!!!

My amazing friends I have hit another major milestone!!! I have lost 9 pounds this week which makes a grand total of 152 pounds lost! I have finally reached my next big goal!! I have been circling this number for almost 2 months now and boy does it feel good to finally break it! I am coming up on my year Mediversary (as many in the Medifast community call it) and I never ever ever thought I would have come so far!

In the coming days I am going to look back over my posts and remember what I was feeling this time last year. I can tell you that at around this time I had already made the choice to start this plan. My amazing friends Mike and Jen were getting married (It was such a special and beautiful day). I knew that it was going to be the feast of a lifetime so I had decided I would start after it. I was merely waiting for the food and for my courage to show up! I was excited but scared. Scared that I would fail, but mostly to disappoint my family and friends. They have always loved me no matter what size (even if most of the time I couldn't allow myself to feel it) I knew they were scared for my health and finally so was I.

More reflections in the  days to come I am sure. For now though it's time to celebrate with another installment of "What does it look like? " You ready???

I've lost a shopping cart full of sugar! I knew I was sweet but daaammmnnnn

I've lost this chair made out of those free AOL CD's that used to litter store registers everywhere. I would like to know who had enough time on their hands to do this (perhaps someone waiting for their dial up Internet to load)

I've lost this collection of pull tabs from the tops of soda cans. I'm not sure what's harder to believe..that I lost 152 pounds or that someone took the time to collect these.

I've lost this screaming eagle (insert nightmare here) statue carved out of Jade.

I've lost this master of the universe..the one and only Darth Vader


Hip Hop Hooray I lost the world's largest cupcake!! (even this random lady is happy for me)

As always I wouldn't be here without the love and support of all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my now much smaller (yet no less powerful in it's capacity to love) heart!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Nothing much to report today friends. No loss but no gain either! I am back on plan 100% as of yesterday ( so I am tons of fun to be around right now). I know I will feel better soon and my energy levels will be back up. Until then I am going to retreat into the depths of my own mind and dream of my amazing vacation. It is always hard to come back from a great trip as you wish you could be back there every moment of the passing days. Soon enough though I will be back in my daily routine and the mourning will cease (am I dramatic or what??). In an effort to keep the memories alive a little longer here are some pics from my trip!

Which way to go? Why not both ;)

Mmmm I can remember the taste of the butterbeer. Very very sweet but so good!

The magnificent Hogwarts

The excitement of seeing Cinderella's Castle in the distance! Notice the strategic turning of the body to hide my "pterodactyl wings"
I hope you are all having a great day! Hopefully next week I will be back with some losing news!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Back to Reality

Happy Wednesday Everyone! I am still in post vacation mode (which means I am a total space cadet!). I weighed myself this morning but I knew the numbers wouldn't be kind. I gained 5 pounds. However, I don't give a hoot! I knew I would gain (no matter how much walking we did...and trust me we did A LOT!!). I had so many amazing moments that gaining weight is the least of my worries. I wish there was a way to keep replaying these past 5 days over and over again. Memories to last a lifetime is what I walked away with. The things I will remember the most are:

1. Crying when I could buckle my seat belt on the plane and even have a little extra room. It was momentous.
2. Seeing George Lucas as the opening of Star Wars Weekend
3. Watching the fireworks at Magic Kingdom in the arms of my amazing boyfriend
4. Riding all the rides and never worrying if I could fit them or not.
5. Going swimming after a really hot afternoon in the Magic Kingdom.
6. Getting to see Hogwarts and Hogsmeade

These are just a few of my favorite moments. It was the perfect vacation! I was able to do everything that I wanted which is spectacular. Now back to reality (which is always the worst part). It will take a day or two to really get back into the swing of things but I know I will be back on track in no time! My head defiantly enjoyed eating what I did more than my body did. My body will be the ultimate winner though ;)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Let the freakout begin!

Happy day before I leave for my amazing vacation everyone (also known as Wednesday!). I am happy to report a 1 pound loss! It's a nice little present to have before I leave for Disney. Where (as I said last week) I am planning on enjoying myself to the fullest. I am prepared with my Medifood to make eating easier while in the parks ( I just hope the bars don't melt in the heat!). Here are some of the things I am looking forward to the most...

Tasty Butterbeer! You can try it cold or frozen..I may try it both ways!

Hogwarts!! And the "Harry Potter & The Forbidden Journey" ride!

Getting to see this beautiful sight after a decade away

Really all of this...
Of course it is Star Wars Weekend while we will be there so all the people watching will be spectacular! It's like fall foliage for the judgemental types.

Above all I am excited to be going with this outstanding man! That's Brian for those of you who don't know!
On a slightly random note I want to take a moment to reflect how much has changed for me in the past 10 months. I never would have imagained that I would be doing all the things I have been doing lately. And doing them with someone who loves me..just me...not pieces of me or the things that I can do for him. Just Lynne...and while it is scary at times (because who isn't scared to lose their heart?) it has been the icing on this weight loss journey. I know that Brian didn't come into my life because my body was looking better. Rather it is because I starting treating myself better. Sometimes I forget to do that. That is why I am taking a little blog time to remember that treating myself better leads to wonderful and amazing things.

I hope you all have as wonderful of a week as I am going to (sorry but I think it's going to be pretty hard for you to top me but please, give it a try!). Disney & Harry Potter here I come!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

One Week Till Awesome!!

Happy Wednesday Everyone! I am down 5 pounds this week. Undoing some of the damage of last weeks killer number. I haven't been perfect but I have been exercising every day and taking in more water. I am hoping that before I leave for DISNEY next week I can lose the last 2 pounds bringing me back to where I was before the disaster of last week. Can you tell I am a little excited about DISNEY????. It has offically hit me that I am going to accomplish some major goals next week.

1. Fly on a plane comfortably (relatively comfortably since no one is ever super comfy on those things) without a seat belt extender!

2. Ride on a roller coaster

3. Get back to Disney after a decade

4. GO TO HARRY POTTER WORLD!!!!!!!!!!! I am dying with excitement!!! I am pretty sure I am going to cry when I get there...copious tears of joy.

This is what this journey is really all about. It's not about looking better or buying smaller size jeans. It's about getting to participate in these things again. While it has been difficult, knowing that I get to do those things is worth all the frustration!! I am going to bring my Medifood with me but I am also not going to deny myself the joys of Butterbeer (non alcoholic wonderment from the Harry Potter books that they sell at the parks) or a wonderful meal out with my amazing boyfriend and his friends. I want to enjoy every single second of this vacation. For me that means not stressing about what I can and can't eat. I will make smart choices. Interesting observation about that. When I do go off plan I have found that I can't buy the foods I once did. I might want a donut or ice cream but when I look at the calories and fat it stops me dead in my tracks. I can't do it. Small victories people...small victories!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

What I learned & Weigh in Wednesday

It is not a shock to me (actually that's a lie I am kind of flabbergasted) but I have gained 7 pounds. In a week. I am kind of blown away. I know it's not that I gained 7 pounds of fat. I know that I am retaining water (thank you very much lady issues). I know that I haven't been drinking enough water. I also ate my face off. Literally. I think if it had been coated in frosting I would have had no problem devouring my face this past week. I went off the wall. Out into the wilds of binge eating. Which I haven't done in a very very long time. And now I am paying the ultimate price. In 1 week I have undone almost the entire last month of progress. I know exactly why I did it. I was aware of every ounce of food I stuffed down this past week. Which included the following (in various quantities)...





That last image is what I kind of feel like. I couldn't get enough of these "bad" foods. I know why I did it. As you have seen I have been struggling lately with my sense of commitment. I often need something to kick my ass into gear. Well kids...this is doing the trick let me tell you. While I ate those things I felt like crap. My stomach hurt, I was eating past the point of fullness and I was sneaking food. All habits I used to have. All things I used to do to keep my emotions in check. Which is a huge part of what happened this past week. My anxiety has been over the top, my over-thinking at an all time high and my sense of self at a recent low. I still don't know how to manage these feelings in a healthy way. Writing them down doesn't help. Talking about them doesn't help. The only thing that makes it better (albeit temporarily) is eating. I have tried different techniques but none of them give me the same sense of soothing that eating does. I am unsure of where to go from here. I know I will recommit myself to the plan but it doesn't solve the problem. At the end of the day I still don't know how to deal with my anxiety. I will have to ponder what to do about it. I don't wish to see a professional as I know exactly what they will say and the solutions they will offer (as I have done therapy many times before).  Clearly I will need to take some time and figure out what course of action to take. I will never be perfect, I will continue to have times like these. However, I do need to find a healthier outlet in general so that I don't let an entire week go by unchecked.
Oy vey is all I can say...

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!!

Wednesday is here again (funny how that happens huh?). I am down another 2 pounds which I am 100% sure I can thank my increased activity for! I did not eat the best (even though my "not best" is better than a good day 10 months ago!!). I am beginning to consider moving away from Medifast and towards something like Weight Watchers. I am not quite ready for that step yet. Somehow it feels like defeat if I do that. It would be easier being on Weight Watchers but also more dangerous. I don't know if i am ready to open my world of food up just yet. Writing this I realize that it would not be a smart move to stop doing Medifast now. I am still in the obese catagory, about 80 pounds away from my goal weight. While things are hard right now (why are bagels everywhere these days???) I know that being on Medifast keeps me from going buck wild. I am still an emotional eater.I  still want to stuff my face beyond what my stomach can handle because it feels good in my brain. Until I can get a better handle on that I don't feel safe (I feel as though I am some sort of food predator..maybe Chris Hanson can set me straight!!).

Anywhoodizzle...let's celebrate the 2 pounds lost and revel in the fact that I am only 2 pounds away from 150 pounds lost!! Which means another exciting "What does it look like" post!! I can feel your excitment oozing through the interwebs!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Humpiest of Hump Days to you my friends! Today comes with rain, mild headache and a 4 pound weight loss! I find it hard to believe though since I hadn't lost any weight as of Monday (yes sometimes I will weigh more than once a week to see if I am on track). However, I do know that I didn't lose 4 pounds in 2 days but rather my body may have just adjusted its water levels or something like that ( I say this like I am doctor or something).

In an effort to keep myself focused and on track I have been going through old pictures of myself. It is so easy for me to dismiss how far I have come. It's even easier for me to dismiss people's comments about how different I look. I don't feel any different. I don't think any differently then I did before (for the most part). I don't see how much easier it is for me to move or how much more energy I have. I think because these changes are gradual and thus unnoticed until you reflect back.

I found this picture the other day on Facebook. It is from a student staff party we had in May of last year. It honestly took my breath away. I don't recognize this person. To be honest I know when I first saw the picture last year I don't see what I do now. I knew I wasn't happy with it ( hence why I am not tagged in it). I don't think I looked at pictures of myself then for more than 2 seconds.  A quick glance to see how many chins you could see. I see the person in the mirror now and I can see her in this picture. Hiding. Buried. And I know that I will never be that  person ever again. I don't know how much smaller I will become but I will never hide like that again. I may not always think wonderful things about myself. I may not think that I deserve any of the praise I receive or the happiness that has found it's way into my life. However, I do know that I deserve to never treat myself like that ever again. I was abusing my body for things that it didn't do. Therefore, I would like to issue a formal apology to my body for the years of torment I put it through. I did it blindly because it didn't resist. It didn't give out. It  put up with my abuse because ultimately I am made of strong things. I don't give in easily to anything. Which when used for good is an excellent resource to own. That is why this blog is a wonderful thing to have. I can look back and remind myself of these things when I am being petulant and stubborn about the things I need to do to keep a promise to myself. The promise to treat my body better after years of mistreatment. I hope you all have a lovely rest of your week and maybe take some time out to treat your bodies to some praise & attention!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Happy Wednesday everyone! On this rainy day I am happy to report a 2 pound loss. I am pleased with this as I think I will be seeing numbers like this from now on. Slow and steady wins the race (or so Aesop tells us). I have been working hard on staying focused and not going off plan. I of course had a falter on Saturday (why are potatoes so freaking wonderful??). These things will continue to happen. I don't know if I can ever go back to being as focused as I once was. There isn't that immediacy that I felt when I first started. I also know that I won't be losing the big numbers any more since I am getting closer and closer to my goal. This does NOT mean I am deterred or even dismissive of what I need to do. What I want to work on now is having a healthier relationship with food. Sooner rather than later I am not going to have Medifast to fall back on. I will take the training wheels off and have to interact with food again. Here are the things I am doing on a daily basis to change my relationship with food (I feel if I had a lifetime movie made about this relationship that food would be played by either the dad from 7th Heaven or the dad from My So Called Life..they always play the creepy, sabotagey guys)

1. I am no longer saying "I am going to be good today". This implies that by making poor food choices that I am a bad person. This is not true. Rather I say that the choice is good or bad. Not me.

2. Exercise is something I want to do every day. I really loved the feeling of doing something good for myself. Not to mention the endorphins that people always talk about are being felt!

3. Know that losing weight isn't the goal. It is the side effect. I want to be healthy, more active and have the ability to fully participate in life. By focusing on these things I will create a better relationship with my body.

Every moment of this journey has taught me something about myself. That I am stronger than I thought. That I can change if I want to. That when you do good things for yourself good things come to you. The secret of life is knowing what your challenges will be (Mine will always be patience and positivity) and how to let them be your challenges without bringing you down. Happiness is here to stay for me. I may not be happy every moment of every day.I will get frustrated, angry, hurt and petulant. I will have self doubt and self loathing. Those things will never disappear, BUT they are less then they have ever been. I plan on keeping it that way for the rest of my life.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Howdy everyone! I have no weight loss to report today but it's ok. I am just glad I didn't gain. I have been cheating on the regular so that fact that I didn't gain I am happy about. I am recommiting myself as of today though. I know that pretzels, peanuts and random other crap isn't going to solve the anxiety I feel. However, when I first started this plan I felt less anxiety because I was so focused on the plan. I am going to reinvest myself in that focus. I know that I will have a few bad days (so please don't hate me if I seem a bit short with you!). I have been on this plan for 10 months now (which is unreal!!) and the fact that I haven't
1. Gone completely insane
2. Had a full out binge day
3. Given up
Is something to celebrate in and of itself. I am proud of myself from time to time that I have stuck with it for this long. I know that by being on this journey I have allowed so many wonderful things into my life. I want to keep having those wonderful things. Therefore, I must soilder on. Keep my chin (now only 1 instead of 3!) up and refocus. I also have an ace in my pocket now. I found out that I really like working out! I heard tell that people like this whole sweating thing but I never felt it. It was always painful, exhausting and embarrising to be in a gym. Now though, the sweat feels good, moving my body feels even better and I don't care if people stare. Here we go folks..let's see what this week will have in store!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!

It's time for another installment of "What Does It Look Like??". Why is that? Because I lost 2 pounds this week bringing me to a grand total of 140 pounds lost. I have lost what I hope to weigh at the end of this. 100 pounds until I reach my goal! It seems pretty far away but as I keep trying to tell myself it's not the goal but the journey. I have grown alot in the past 9 months. My life looks totally different than it did when I first started this. While many things have changed I am still me. I will always be someone who looks at the negative before the positive. I will always have feelings of self doubt, anxiety and a tendency to over think things. However, I can let more positive in than before. I am getting more comfortable being happy and seeing that happiness is not that "jump up and down" feeling. Rather it is being able to see all the good things that I have and being content with those things. Ok enough self analysis on to the funny!


I lost a freaking bath tub!! Are you serious? That's insane..


I lost this beautiful Jade statue. I would normally be sad to lose something so beautiful but when you think if this was made of fat it's pretty gruesome in a "Silence of the Lambs" kind of way

A mini fridge from my mid section!

Freaky rabbit suit filled with beans and strung up like he touched the preachers daughter in the old west. Yup I lost that and the person who created it lost his mind..I think we are even.

I just had to add this in because when I searched for 140 pounds this image came up. The reason? They eat 140 pounds of food in a day..which I guess gives them energy to rape the crap out of each other. Go fig.

I hope you have all enjoyed this installment as much as I have. Let's just hope that work doesn't look at my search history because 140 pounds brings up a lot (and I mean A LOT) of half naked ladies. Happy Giraffee Hump Day everyone!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!

Good Morning my friends...here to report very little. Well in fact nothing. No loss but no gain either. After a very eventful weekend I am alright about that. While I say that I am not going to beat myself up for going off plan I always do. I say it out loud so others will think I am well adjusted but the truth is inside I am going "why do you do this to yourself??". I have no one to blame for my eating off plan but myself.

So what was this eventful weekend you ask? Friday I went up to Conneticut with my boyfriend to spend time with his family and meet his 1 year old neice. I was overwhelmed about the whole thing ( I am often scared out of my mind to meet new people...especially babies) but I think I handled it all well.  His family is wonderful and his niece was adorable. Even more adorable was how he interacted with her. He couldn't get enough of playing with her and you could clearly see how much he loved her. My eating wasn't off the charts awful but I didn't want to eat my Medifast food in front of them. For several reasons but mostly to not feel like the wierd girl eating cheese puffs at the table. My boyfriend is incredibly supportive of me and my plan and was concerned that I wasn't sticking to my guns. He kind of forced my hand on the second morning to eat some of my food. As he said I should be proud of what I have done and what I keep doing. However, being proud and feeling like an outsider don't really gel. Eating is so communal and a bonding experience. When you can't particpate I have found that 1. people become uncomfortable with their own eating or what they eat in front of you 2. I feel like a leper (or some other kind of nasty disease riddled person) and that everyone is staring at me.  It isn't what I wanted my first impression to be with his family. I wanted to be normal again. However, for those who know me, normal is something I will never be!

On Saturday I had the chance to celebrate my best friend and all her glory at an amazing restaurant in the city. It was wonderful to see so many people that I know follow this blog (shout out to Kate & Tara!)! Even better was to see her family, some of which I haven't seen since her wedding a year and a half ago. One of her brothers took a minute to recognize me (that is always fun!). It was great to get dressed up and show off my new figure to people that really care about me. It gave me an ego boost for sure! My best friend is an amazing woman and so incredibly supportive of me. She went out of her way to make sure that the restaurant could make food that was to plan for me. It was a fantastic night out and a great way to get over the self doubt I had been feeling.

I think I need to take some me time in the coming weeks to refocus myself and get out of the funk in my own head. I am getting bogged down by the little things (since I naturally like to focus on the bad instead of the good) and need to do something to kick my own ass. I know I keep saying it here but it takes me time to build up enough steam to turn words in to action.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Hello everyone! I am happy to report that this week we see the scale do it's job...Down 4 pounds!! It is a wonderful feeling to see a nice big number like this! I am refocused (for the most part) and moving towards my goal of being 200 pounds by the time I leave for Florida (soooooo excited). I think I can thank the warmer weather for giving me the chance to walk several days this past week. I haven't been as focused on me eating and finding myself wanting to cheat at least once a day. It's hard to say cheat since this is not a diet but I am definitely not as strict as I once was. It's hard to keep that kind of focus for months on end. I have to give myself a pat on the back though. While I have eaten off plan I haven't gone hog wild. My stomach is definitely smaller than it used to be which helps with that. I can't keep beating myself up for these dalliances with the devil (he is so tempting).

I think everyone's moods go in cycles. Right now I am in a time of self doubt and self induced stress. I know it's my own little Gollum having a good romp through my brain. I gave him a little leeway and that bastard takes a mile. As I have said before I tend to keep a lot of this to myself. I think the reason for that is that I know that talking about it won't mobilize me to do anything. Most people find it hard to talk about these things because those that love us want to help us. They want to make it better. They want to let you know how wrong that little Gollum voice is. That stuff is hard to hear because it doesnt jive with my self perception ( I know I am super hard on myself). That is why I talk about it on here. This is my outlet for such things. As you have seen over the past few weeks that this is the topic of the moment. I am sorry if it bores y'all to tears but alas it is the broken record that is on repeat in my head.

Anyway, Today is a day to not go off plan but rather celebrate my loss by sticking to my guns! Gollum be damned!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!

Let me start by giving you the bad news first...I haven't lost a thing. Big fat (well at least it's not morbidly obese anymore) zero. I have been feeling quite sabatoge-y lately (I realize that isn't a word but bear with me). I have done little things all week to derail myself. Am I bored? Am I looking for a new challenge? Or is it that dirty dirty Gollum (if you are new here you can click on the tag Gollum on the right to see what I am talking about) rearing his ugly head? I think its a combo pack of these things. See I have a problem. Happiness is not something I am good at. I am much better at cynisism, negativity and self doubt than being happy. I don't know what to do with myself when I am happy. I feel a myriad of things. Mostly they center around the fact that happiness is fleeting. At some point it will go away. The root cause could be anything. Perhaps I still don't think I deserve it. Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for a bomb to go off. The other shoe to drop. Do I feel like this all the time? No I certainly don't. However, when I have time on my hands I do. Lynne idel is a bad bad thing. And I have A LOT of idel time. Yet I am unwilling to make more changes to become more active. Some habits die hard I guess.

I don't want people to read this and then come at me with pep talks. I love my friends, family and assundry others who read this blog. I appreciate your faith in me (for you have far more than I do). I spent years only feeling negativity. As strange as it sounds it's a comfort zone for me. However, I need to feel these things. I have to work through them. I know that this is temporary. I know that I have people who truly love me and I know that many of you are sitting there worried about me or wanting to shake me (or worridly shake me which would be intense). I will move past this moment and carry on. In fact I am setting up a new goal as we speak.

I am going to go on a real vacation in May. This is incredibly exciting to me for several reasons.

1. I get to spend time with my amazing boyfriend and his friends. Good times will be had.
2. I get to fly on a plane and this time (fingers crossed) I won't need a seat belt extender or have the humilation of being asked to board the plane to make sure I fit the seat first.
3. I am going to DISNEYWORLD!!!! And while there I will be making a stop at Harry Potter World (because there is no way I am going to pass up that opportunity).

With all of that to look forward to I need to refocus myself. We are going at the end of May. Which means I have about 10 weeks to lose as much as I can. I would LOVE to lose 50 more pounds but I think that might be unrealistic. Why 50? Because then I would be under 200 pounds (for the first time since high school I am pretty sure). I am going to make my goal 40 pounds. This way if I blow by it fantastic!

Thanks for letting me vent and all your continued support. I really do appreciate it!