Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!!

Wednesday is here again (funny how that happens huh?). I am down another 2 pounds which I am 100% sure I can thank my increased activity for! I did not eat the best (even though my "not best" is better than a good day 10 months ago!!). I am beginning to consider moving away from Medifast and towards something like Weight Watchers. I am not quite ready for that step yet. Somehow it feels like defeat if I do that. It would be easier being on Weight Watchers but also more dangerous. I don't know if i am ready to open my world of food up just yet. Writing this I realize that it would not be a smart move to stop doing Medifast now. I am still in the obese catagory, about 80 pounds away from my goal weight. While things are hard right now (why are bagels everywhere these days???) I know that being on Medifast keeps me from going buck wild. I am still an emotional eater.I  still want to stuff my face beyond what my stomach can handle because it feels good in my brain. Until I can get a better handle on that I don't feel safe (I feel as though I am some sort of food predator..maybe Chris Hanson can set me straight!!).

Anywhoodizzle...let's celebrate the 2 pounds lost and revel in the fact that I am only 2 pounds away from 150 pounds lost!! Which means another exciting "What does it look like" post!! I can feel your excitment oozing through the interwebs!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Humpiest of Hump Days to you my friends! Today comes with rain, mild headache and a 4 pound weight loss! I find it hard to believe though since I hadn't lost any weight as of Monday (yes sometimes I will weigh more than once a week to see if I am on track). However, I do know that I didn't lose 4 pounds in 2 days but rather my body may have just adjusted its water levels or something like that ( I say this like I am doctor or something).

In an effort to keep myself focused and on track I have been going through old pictures of myself. It is so easy for me to dismiss how far I have come. It's even easier for me to dismiss people's comments about how different I look. I don't feel any different. I don't think any differently then I did before (for the most part). I don't see how much easier it is for me to move or how much more energy I have. I think because these changes are gradual and thus unnoticed until you reflect back.

I found this picture the other day on Facebook. It is from a student staff party we had in May of last year. It honestly took my breath away. I don't recognize this person. To be honest I know when I first saw the picture last year I don't see what I do now. I knew I wasn't happy with it ( hence why I am not tagged in it). I don't think I looked at pictures of myself then for more than 2 seconds.  A quick glance to see how many chins you could see. I see the person in the mirror now and I can see her in this picture. Hiding. Buried. And I know that I will never be that  person ever again. I don't know how much smaller I will become but I will never hide like that again. I may not always think wonderful things about myself. I may not think that I deserve any of the praise I receive or the happiness that has found it's way into my life. However, I do know that I deserve to never treat myself like that ever again. I was abusing my body for things that it didn't do. Therefore, I would like to issue a formal apology to my body for the years of torment I put it through. I did it blindly because it didn't resist. It didn't give out. It  put up with my abuse because ultimately I am made of strong things. I don't give in easily to anything. Which when used for good is an excellent resource to own. That is why this blog is a wonderful thing to have. I can look back and remind myself of these things when I am being petulant and stubborn about the things I need to do to keep a promise to myself. The promise to treat my body better after years of mistreatment. I hope you all have a lovely rest of your week and maybe take some time out to treat your bodies to some praise & attention!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Happy Wednesday everyone! On this rainy day I am happy to report a 2 pound loss. I am pleased with this as I think I will be seeing numbers like this from now on. Slow and steady wins the race (or so Aesop tells us). I have been working hard on staying focused and not going off plan. I of course had a falter on Saturday (why are potatoes so freaking wonderful??). These things will continue to happen. I don't know if I can ever go back to being as focused as I once was. There isn't that immediacy that I felt when I first started. I also know that I won't be losing the big numbers any more since I am getting closer and closer to my goal. This does NOT mean I am deterred or even dismissive of what I need to do. What I want to work on now is having a healthier relationship with food. Sooner rather than later I am not going to have Medifast to fall back on. I will take the training wheels off and have to interact with food again. Here are the things I am doing on a daily basis to change my relationship with food (I feel if I had a lifetime movie made about this relationship that food would be played by either the dad from 7th Heaven or the dad from My So Called Life..they always play the creepy, sabotagey guys)

1. I am no longer saying "I am going to be good today". This implies that by making poor food choices that I am a bad person. This is not true. Rather I say that the choice is good or bad. Not me.

2. Exercise is something I want to do every day. I really loved the feeling of doing something good for myself. Not to mention the endorphins that people always talk about are being felt!

3. Know that losing weight isn't the goal. It is the side effect. I want to be healthy, more active and have the ability to fully participate in life. By focusing on these things I will create a better relationship with my body.

Every moment of this journey has taught me something about myself. That I am stronger than I thought. That I can change if I want to. That when you do good things for yourself good things come to you. The secret of life is knowing what your challenges will be (Mine will always be patience and positivity) and how to let them be your challenges without bringing you down. Happiness is here to stay for me. I may not be happy every moment of every day.I will get frustrated, angry, hurt and petulant. I will have self doubt and self loathing. Those things will never disappear, BUT they are less then they have ever been. I plan on keeping it that way for the rest of my life.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Howdy everyone! I have no weight loss to report today but it's ok. I am just glad I didn't gain. I have been cheating on the regular so that fact that I didn't gain I am happy about. I am recommiting myself as of today though. I know that pretzels, peanuts and random other crap isn't going to solve the anxiety I feel. However, when I first started this plan I felt less anxiety because I was so focused on the plan. I am going to reinvest myself in that focus. I know that I will have a few bad days (so please don't hate me if I seem a bit short with you!). I have been on this plan for 10 months now (which is unreal!!) and the fact that I haven't
1. Gone completely insane
2. Had a full out binge day
3. Given up
Is something to celebrate in and of itself. I am proud of myself from time to time that I have stuck with it for this long. I know that by being on this journey I have allowed so many wonderful things into my life. I want to keep having those wonderful things. Therefore, I must soilder on. Keep my chin (now only 1 instead of 3!) up and refocus. I also have an ace in my pocket now. I found out that I really like working out! I heard tell that people like this whole sweating thing but I never felt it. It was always painful, exhausting and embarrising to be in a gym. Now though, the sweat feels good, moving my body feels even better and I don't care if people stare. Here we go folks..let's see what this week will have in store!