Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Gained 8 pounds. Not much to say about it other than I am mad at myself. I ate my face off this weekend (what else is there to do in a Hurricane?). I continue to eat poorly because well I already messed up this weekend so why not continue it..or so that's what I keep telling myself. I know the right thing to do. I know what I "should" be doing. I just can't seem to muster up the drive, desire, fortitude to do it. Not sure what it will take to get there. For all of those whom know and love me..just do me a favor and don't ask me about it or give any pep talks. I am only going to shoot you down and I really don't want to feel like an asshole on top of feeling like a let down. I know that this is the negativity speaking. I also know that your supportive words and "you can do it's" only make me feel worse. I have to believe in myself before I can let those kind of words in. Right now I am down and I will have to do the heavy lifting of getting myself back up. Thank you all for listening to me vent and understanding me.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Another week gone and who knows where it all went! I gained .08 pounds but I am choosing to see that as water weight (the dreaded visitor is in's gonna be a doozy of a visit me thinks). I think my new plan is working. However, I need to start being more accountable.If I am going to eat real food then I need to keep track of it all. Being more accountable seems to be the theme of the week. I have always been one to avoid adult like responsiblities. Budgets and doctors appointments in particular seem to be my down fall.

However, I think it's time to grow up a bit. I want to be active in planning for my future (whatever it may hold). I do know a few things that I want. I want to be able to move in with my boyfriend at some point.. I want to be able to get a newer car (not so much a want but a need at some point). I want to be able to run (not just away from someone/something but in an athletic way). I want to be able to lift heavy things (such as my own body weight). I want to have core strength. I am doing things to move towards those things. Onward and upward as they say!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

A year ago I wrote this post. I almost don't recognize that it was me writing that post. Now, a year later, I am not only going on mile (2 or more really) walks but taking up to 3 classes at Lucille Roberts a week. However, what sticks out the most to me is the tone in which I wrote it.  I sound so chipper (with a side of sarcasm of course). It's hard to remember that the beginning of this journey (even though I am sooo sick of that word thanks to the Bachelor franchise) every day brought new discoveries. I was on my way out of a depression that was deep, dark and dangerous. I remember having all these wide eyed moments, where I felt like I was experiencing things for the first time. Those moments come slower now. They are, though, no less wonderful. I feel more like myself lately. The right mix of the new me and the old me. I am more responsible, pro active, active and aware of my food choices then ever before. I am more open to re-experiencing things that I once hated. However, I balance all this with a healthy dose of self doubt and negativity. I wouldn't be me without those things. I have to love all the things about me, even the things that get in my way.

Now that I got that out of the way...on to the real purpose of today's post. I am down 2.2 pounds! All this with my modified diet of sorts. I eat Medifast meals through out the day but I am incorporating more real food too. I have allowed myself some indulgences but overall I am making good choices each day. In essence, I have decided to take on the challenge of learning how to eat when hungry. To not turn to food to cure something.

In honor of getting back down to 161 pounds lost I am doing another installment of What Does It Look Like?? It's my gift to all you lovely people..enjoy!

I lost this adorable baby giraffe...did you know they come out weighing 160 pounds?? That's intense

I lost this cake encrusted with diamonds, rubies and sapphires. Because nothing say delicious to me quite like precious stones

Umm..I lost a min horse!!! Does anyone else find that a ridiculous statement because I sure do.
I lost this log...Not sure why you have a contraption that weighs logs in the back of your van but hey we all have fun in different ways I guess.
These disturbing rocks don't weigh 160 pounds but did come up in my search..again..Google continues to amaze me.

 Thanks for all your continued interest in this little blog and of course your support of my efforts!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!

Is it Wednesday already? Alas the calendar in my office tells me that it is. Not a bad day though. I am down 1.2 pounds. I had originally wanted to say 2 pounds but the scale read 221.8 today. Therefore I can't really say I lost 2 pounds (damn you integrity!). I am happy that I didn't gain and even happier that I lost something along the way. I am still trying to figure out the path forward. It is sure to be a bumpy road. However, I have learned that this is a marathon not a sprint. I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life. Now that I have lost 158.2 pounds, I know that I can lose the remaining 60 to 80 pounds. I know it won't be as fast if I choose to not go the Medifast route. Does it need to be fast though? Or should I learn to deal with food instead of bypassing my addiction? Pondering shall continue....

Monday, August 8, 2011

Where Do I Go From Here?

Lately, I have been thinking (and over thinking) about where I am. My focus is shot to pieces to be perfectly frank. I have a lot on my plate (just so you know I wrote that as potato..can you tell where my mind is??). I am not sure where my will power and strength have gone but they are officially in hiding. For the first time in a long time I am genuinely scared to weigh in. I am afraid that the scale will show me as the epic failure I feel I am. Why such a harsh judgment on myself you ask? Because that is (unfortunately) how I roll. I have always been hard on myself. I have never seen the good things I have done but rather always focus on what I haven't done. For those of you not new to my blog I am sure that is ABUNDANTLY clear.

I am not sure where to go from here. I am not sure what the path forward should be. I know I don't want to give up (no matter what that damn gollum says). I also don't know what I want the next stage of this journey to look like. I have really really enjoyed getting to eat with my friends and family lately. I also know that I have enjoyed myself too much. I loosen up the reins and I immediately start to fall back into some old patterns. I am doing things to counterbalance my poor choices (such as exercising at least 4 days a week). However, the realization that my relationship with food is almost as bad as it was a year ago is deeply upsetting. It is things like this that make me feel like a failure. Yes, I have lost 155 pounds (give or take). Yes, I am healthier and happier than I was. Can I keep it up though? I am always going to want to make poor choices. I will always want dessert, french fries, junk food. I will always have to fight the urge to use food as an emotional crutch.

Perhaps it is that, knowing that this battle of making good choices, will always be my burden to bear, that has me so confused. Maybe I really did think that once I lost weight it would change how I feel about food. Funny story. It did not. Having this year off from food, was a good thing. It allowed me to lose a large amount of weight and get me moving again. However, it did not address how I am going to live in a food world once I was done.

My main questions to myself are:
1. Should I go back to Medifast 100%
2. Can I go back?
3. If not, then what am I doing?

As of right now, I have no answer. I have to get past the shame and disappointment I feel for not being 100% on plan anymore. I have to allow myself to see that changing the plan doesn't mean failure but just that..a change. Oy vey people...oy vey.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Yet another busy day here at Camp Lynne! I am sure you can tell that lately I have not only been unfocused but my work load has increased. It is quite the situation I find myself in. So much to do and so little brain to do it with. I'm not saying I'm not smart (my modesty just won't allow me to lie!). Rather it is that I have a finite amount of concentration. Once I use that up for the day you may as well just push me in front of the tv and throw a bib on me for the drool cuz that's about all I'm good for. However, this week will allow me the very much needed down time to catch up and recharge my batteries. Don't get me wrong, it's great having plans and things to do, just not all the time. We all need time to sit and think and I finally get to have some of that time to work out the next step in my journey (even though I am sick of that word thanks to the Bachelorette). 

Before I leave you for another all day conference (hence the early morning writing session) I should probably tell you what you really came here for huh? I am down 3 pounds (which is a shock to say the least). Insert happy dance know what..why not..let's do it!!

Happy Wednesday Everyone! May your day been filled with this level of happiness ;)