Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Weigh In Wednesday

Happy Wednesday Y'all. I am pleased to announce that I have met yet another goal...80 POUNDS PEOPLE!!! Booyah! Which means I lost 2 pounds this week and those 2 pounds feel as good as 20 because I am about to cross a threshold that I haven't seen in a long time. By next week I will be out of the 300's and into the 2's. That's starting weight was 380 pounds (my insides are twisting as I write that). There is a sense of shame that comes with admitting that and yet pride that I am no longer there (which is why I told ya).
In honor of this tremendous milestone I am bringing you some more "What does it look like"!

I have lost the gingerbread it took to make this White House replica (The icing weighed an additional 30 pounds but we won't count that just yet)

Ring the bell folks!! I lost this original train station bell (I ring too if you shake me back and forth)

I've lost one of these wheels of Parmigiana (mmmm how I miss thee Parm..but its nice to not have you on my ass anymore!)

Now that I have lost this Iron Man suit does this mean I can now be a superhero?!?!

And my ultimate favorite...I have lost this Spa to Go (minus the creepy couple..I can't figure out if she is saying something like "Oh Dave you silly man" while giving him a come hither stare or if she is saying "Whoa buddy that is NOT the knob to turn the jets on")

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

A Case of the Shoulds

We all do this...we all tell ourselves what we SHOULD be doing with our lives instead of stopping to ask what we WANT to do. Here are the shoulds that I think rule my life at the moment.

I should be....

More successful
Have a career instead of just a job
Be in a relationship
Clearing out my debt
Have a passion for something
Want to have children

To be honest the only one of those shoulds that I actually want to figure out is the passion. I want to find it again. The truth is that I need to drop all of the pressure I feel to figure out the other things and focus on that. On learning again. On exploring new things to see what I like and what I don't like. How can I be successful if I don't know what I want to be successful at? I know very few things for sure. I know I want to own a home someday and live in it with my husband. I think in order to get those things I need to do the hard work of trying and failing. No one is good at failing but I need to. I need to see what I really want to do. I want to give myself the liberty to fuck some things up because at this point in my life there is little I can do that will truly mess up my future. I am not going to quit my job and spend a year finding myself by backpacking through Europe. The time for such things has passed. What I am going to do is enroll in some classes, any classes that stimulate me. I am not in it to get a degree I just want to see what subjects interest me. This is the easiest thing I can think of to do to try and stimulate my search for passion. Any other ideas?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I'm Listening Universe

It seemed that yesterday was the Universe trying to let me know something. We had the author Junot Diaz at our school for a large all day event that I helped to plan. He came and spoke with the freshmen class who have all read his book "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao". He was a down to earth, frank, intelligent, engaging person and some of what he said really stuck with me.

He spoke about what the true meaning of an education is. He said that if you go through school with your fists raised and defensive, you will never truly get an education. In order to be transformed by higher education you have to open yourself and become vulnerable. To new ideas, to challenge your perception of yourself, to try things you are scared to try or never wanted to try. He spoke of how he never did this as an undergraduate but rather as a graduate student. I can totally relate to this..except that I never have opened myself up. I am perpetually scared to try new things and become adamantly stubborn when there is something I don't want to do. Rather than opening myself up and seeing what it might be like I just write it off. Then I wonder why I feel so empty (duh Lynne..use a little logic here!). We all do everything we can to not get hurt but I wonder if I am not hurting myself more by not trying (I am going with yes on this one).

He also said "I don't want to be liked, I want to be understood". He went on to explain that being liked means that you are just alright, that you meet some basic criteria for the other person but it is on a superficial level. To truly understand a person you have to care, you have to invest yourself, and have compassion. It is not an easy thing to do to understand someone. I am lucky to have people in my life who understand me, and take me for who I am, faults and all. It gave me pause to realize that I have rare friendships and that I am truly blessed.

Later that night, when out to dinner with my great friend Josh, we spoke of something similar. Granted it was geared toward my love life (I know your saying what love life?). He spoke about how I should try and push myself out of my comfort zone (we all know just how much I love to do that!). It's true though. I have always looked for men on bbw (Big beautiful women in case you don't know) sites. These sites are geared towards men who find women of my size or any woman larger than the average attractive. I have had no luck (and some seriously negative experiences) on "regular" dating sites in the past. While I am smaller now that I have been in a long time I still don't think I can join one of the "regular"sites. I just think it will be setting myself up for failure. However, as Josh pointed out, I need to step out of my comfort zone and if I fail, then no big deal since I am expecting it to anyway.

Now I don't know if I am the only one, but it seems the Universe is sending me a big ole hint. Get out and try something. Anything new,anything that challenges you to feel uncomfortable. Starting this weight loss journey was most certainly not comfortable (it was scary as hell!) and it has turned out to be a good thing. Stay tuned folks, let's see how much I can push myself shall we?

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Weigh-In Wednesday!!

Happy Wednesday Everybody! This week we have ourselves another loss...of 5 pounds! Which means I am a mere 2 pounds away from reaching my 80 pound goal!!! I can't believe that I am going to be turning 30 in a few weeks and it looks like I am on track to not only meet my goal of 80 pounds lost but I may just blow right by it!

I still can't believe sometimes that I am going strong and staying on track even after 13 weeks. It really has become second nature at this point. My biggest struggles are with the personal issues I still face but eating is no longer a concern. I know what I am doing and I do it well. Yes I face obstacles and sometimes disbelief from people when I say No to certain things (mostly drinking which surprises me since I am not a big drinker to begin with).

On my way to work today I was daydreaming about my biggest goal...being on The Amazing Race. It seems more and more possible as the weeks go by. That in and of itself is reason to keep going. I want to be on that show so bad that I can taste it! I know that it might seem like a strange goal to some but it would be the ultimate reward...getting to be a part of something I love (T.V.) and to travel the world like I  haven't been able to do (part money part physical limitations). So I say..get ready to meet me Phil cuz I'm gonna blow your mind next year!!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Early Birthday Surprise!!!

To say I had a great weekend would be an understatement! My sister & mom threw me a surprise 30th birthday party that I am sure to never forget! First off...the fact that they had been planning for months is amazing. I can't imagine how much time and effort this must have taken them! Secondly I had no was a true and genuine surprise! I didn't have to fake it or anything! It was amazing to see so many of my friends and family there to celebrate little (well getting there ) old me! I am still kind of overwhelmed by the whole thing. My brain seems to think it was all a dream and perhaps that is because the night was somewhat of a blur. Even more amazing...I didn't have a piece of birthday cake (and I was the one cutting it!). To be honest I was just so happy and trying to take it all in that it was hard enough to eat my meals.

While my birthday is still 4 weeks (round about) away it was great to have something done just for me. I feel incredibly lucky to have these amazing people in my life. Especially my amazing sister and mother for doing all the hard work and keeping it a secret for months! I guess I will just have to keep celebrating turning 30 until my actual know just to keep up with appearances and all that.

Friday, October 15, 2010

The good, the bad & the ugly

What I can and can't do is ever changing over these past 4 months. Here are some of the things that I can now do that I couldn't do before...

Sit comfortably in a booth at a restaurant
Sit "Indian style" (I know there is a more pc term for it out there but forgive me) on my couch
Walk up stairs without feeling the need to call the paramedics
Not sweat half as much when doing simple physical things
Make smarter food choices at restaurants (while only momentarily feeling a need to order something fatty and horrible for me)
Inadvertently inspire other people to do better things for themselves (which is incredibly strange and foreign to me)

Things I can't do...

Stay positive about the rest of my life (weight loss I got covered, now the rest of my life is in focus and I can't find my way through it)
Have faith that I will find what it is I am looking for (optimism is not my strong suit and never has been)
Accepting the compliments I have been getting without looking for some reason to deny them (even if I keep it to myself)
Believe that I  will find my sense of purpose

I have found myself drowning in my own self hate as of late. Which of course means I am keeping it to myself because that is what I always do. I internalize because I know that if I talk about it I will hear things like "Of course your amazing" or "I don't understand how you can see yourself this way" or "You will find it/him/yourself someday". Those things just serve to make me feel like I am more alone or defensive. I am actually quite defensive about my self hatred. I protect it and continue to fuel it. I don't know if it is because it is the belief system that I have built for myself and to question it means to lose what little sense of self I have. Or if it just my natural stubbornness shining through.Either way I recognize that doing this has not served me well in the past so it is the least I can do. I can let it out and let you know it's going on. I am not looking for words of encouragement or to fish for compliments but rather to be honest about where my mind is at. Loving oneself is harder than any amount of weight I need to lose. This is my challenge. This is my goal. Not to be thin or healthy (while both good side effects) but to find out why I feel this big gaping hole and why I can never ever seem to fill it.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Weigh In Wednesday!!

I know I haven't been writing very much and for that I am sorry!! I promise to try and keep better track of my thoughts and emotions dear reader. Not just for your reading enjoyment but for my sanity as well (because we all know how I live on the edge of sanity every day!)

Now for what you have all been waiting for...In 4 months I have lost a total of 73 pounds! How you like me now!!! That means I lost 8 pounds this week ( I swear I never know what my body is going to do so I have given up trying to figure it out). I think it is time for another treat for you my faithful friends..."What Have I Lost??"

Evidently this incredibly creepy Japanese Toodlerbot weighs a whopping 73 pounds.(so now not only can it haunt your dreams but if it falls on you it just might kill you)

                                           I have lost this bio engineered calf (Cloning at it's best)

I have lost the dentures that cover this car..known as the Chubaru (Looks like someone either really loves dental artistry or they have been sniffing too much Polident)

I have lost this amazing Amethyst specimen (Would that be too much to hang around my neck you think?)

 Last but not least I lost this Gargoyle thing..(perfect for guarding your dreams or letting everyone know just how much you wish you were a part of the Addams Family.)

Thank you to everyone who keeps supporting me on this up and down journey I am on. I am thrilled with my progress. I will be turning 30 in a mere 4 weeks and I may be smaller than I have been in most of my 20's. It is exciting!!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Weigh-In Wednesday

Hello my friends! Today brings with it a loss of 3 pounds. I am pretty happy about it considering that I was away all weekend and had to eat my Lean & Green out each day. Perhaps all the walking helped to counterbalance it all. In honor of losing weight this week I thought I would share some recent NSV's (non-scale victories).

1. I was finally able to buy new pants! It feels good to be able to wear pants that fit again(even if they will be loose again in a few weeks)

2. I was able to sit comfortably in a booth!! That for me is a big deal as it is something that I avoid doing 95% of the time.

3. I can see that I actually have shoulders! It gives me a little leap in my heart when I see myself in tank tops. My arms on the other hand are morphing all the time. I swear it's like the fat is ebbing and flowing.

A short list to be sure but I am proud of each and every one of them! I hope you all have a fantastic Wednesday!