Tuesday, August 7, 2012
This image perfectly sums up what I looked like after getting home from the OA meeting I (finally) attended. A mixture of rage, sadness and just ugly, ugly crying. Why such rage? Why such overwhelming sadness? Lemme explain.
I do not have blind faith. In order to "work the program" you have to have blind faith. In God, higher power or a group of total strangers. Ain't gonna happen here kids. I never thought I was this cynical but it turns out when faced with a group of people, praising God/Higher Power I want to run as fast as I can in the other direction. So to sit for an hour and half with a group of people who do was excruciating. I had to bite my tongue and swallow the feelings of disbelief, which exploded out of me in a shaking rageful venting session (Thank you Brian for letting me sound like a complete asshole and not judging me whilst doing so). I need time to trust people and this group wants you to just hand it over the minute you get there.
The sadness came in this overwhelming feeling that I am never going to find the answer. Even with my doubts about OA, I had hoped I could find what so many others have found there. A sense of belonging or something. How can you feel you belong somewhere when the people there don't seem real? They don't talk about their issues or problems, they just talk about the healing power of OA. They repeat the steps and positive little mantras over and over again like some sort of cult. They couldn't explain why.
The ugly, ugly crying came as a response to the feeling that I am unfixable. That my mind works in a way that can't be fixed. That is forever doomed to run in circles but never settle. I feel broken inside my own head. I want to push everyone away because I don't want them to have to deal with me because I don't want to deal with me. I feel like I'm too much. My stubbornness is insurmountable. How can you reason with someone who can find a way to get out of doing just about anything?
I've always wanted to fix my problems on my own. No medicine, no groups, no therapy. I believe there is something wrong with me that I can't do it on my own. The truth is that I'm wrong. You can't do something like this alone. The first step has been therapy. The next step for me I think is medicine. I need something to make the circles stop. Perhaps once the circles slow down I can find a way out and actually move forward.