Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Heyyyyyy...It's been a little while huh?

After much poking, prodding and behests made in my general direction to get writing again, I am back. I don't have much to say. To say I went off plan would be an understatement. I fell right back into my old habits like teenage girls fall for Justin Beiber..hard. There are some feelings that I love when I am "off plan". The freedom to eat anything and everything I want. Not having to avoid social engagements so that I can ensure that I won't eat my face off. Having new eating experiences with my boyfriend. All of these things are reasons I give myself to justify over eating. What I never seem to remember is the negative attached to it.

The way I feel about myself now is exactly how I felt about myself at 380 pounds. Except now I have new and fun things to beat myself up about. How I am letting myself, my friends and family, down by eating off plan. How tight my pants have become. How I feel unattractive and generally shitty about my appearance. How I allow these thoughts to fuel the voices in my head (which never went away) about how worthless, untalented, unworthy and unimportant to myself I feel. I now know that these feelings will never leave. No matter how much weight I lose, I will always feel these things about myself. What can be done about it? Not sure..not yet anyway.

I am back on plan now (1 week in) mostly because I REFUSE to buy pants in a larger size. Not to mention, the most amazing man in the world (besides my Dad), my boyfriend,  has joined in the fight against fat. I am so proud of him for taking on this beast of a task. It's not an easy plan by any means but he is taking it on with gusto (just another reason why I love him).

I can't promise I will write more. I can't promise that I will not make you want to rip your hair out at my illogical thought patterns. I can promise though that I will try. That's all any of us can do isn't it?
(Random side note: I just noticed that it's been exactly 2 months since I have written anything..eerie stuff)