Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!

It's time for another installment of "What Does It Look Like??". Why is that? Because I lost 2 pounds this week bringing me to a grand total of 140 pounds lost. I have lost what I hope to weigh at the end of this. 100 pounds until I reach my goal! It seems pretty far away but as I keep trying to tell myself it's not the goal but the journey. I have grown alot in the past 9 months. My life looks totally different than it did when I first started this. While many things have changed I am still me. I will always be someone who looks at the negative before the positive. I will always have feelings of self doubt, anxiety and a tendency to over think things. However, I can let more positive in than before. I am getting more comfortable being happy and seeing that happiness is not that "jump up and down" feeling. Rather it is being able to see all the good things that I have and being content with those things. Ok enough self analysis on to the funny!

I lost a freaking bath tub!! Are you serious? That's insane..

I lost this beautiful Jade statue. I would normally be sad to lose something so beautiful but when you think if this was made of fat it's pretty gruesome in a "Silence of the Lambs" kind of way

A mini fridge from my mid section!

Freaky rabbit suit filled with beans and strung up like he touched the preachers daughter in the old west. Yup I lost that and the person who created it lost his mind..I think we are even.

I just had to add this in because when I searched for 140 pounds this image came up. The reason? They eat 140 pounds of food in a day..which I guess gives them energy to rape the crap out of each other. Go fig.

I hope you have all enjoyed this installment as much as I have. Let's just hope that work doesn't look at my search history because 140 pounds brings up a lot (and I mean A LOT) of half naked ladies. Happy Giraffee Hump Day everyone!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!

Good Morning my to report very little. Well in fact nothing. No loss but no gain either. After a very eventful weekend I am alright about that. While I say that I am not going to beat myself up for going off plan I always do. I say it out loud so others will think I am well adjusted but the truth is inside I am going "why do you do this to yourself??". I have no one to blame for my eating off plan but myself.

So what was this eventful weekend you ask? Friday I went up to Conneticut with my boyfriend to spend time with his family and meet his 1 year old neice. I was overwhelmed about the whole thing ( I am often scared out of my mind to meet new people...especially babies) but I think I handled it all well.  His family is wonderful and his niece was adorable. Even more adorable was how he interacted with her. He couldn't get enough of playing with her and you could clearly see how much he loved her. My eating wasn't off the charts awful but I didn't want to eat my Medifast food in front of them. For several reasons but mostly to not feel like the wierd girl eating cheese puffs at the table. My boyfriend is incredibly supportive of me and my plan and was concerned that I wasn't sticking to my guns. He kind of forced my hand on the second morning to eat some of my food. As he said I should be proud of what I have done and what I keep doing. However, being proud and feeling like an outsider don't really gel. Eating is so communal and a bonding experience. When you can't particpate I have found that 1. people become uncomfortable with their own eating or what they eat in front of you 2. I feel like a leper (or some other kind of nasty disease riddled person) and that everyone is staring at me.  It isn't what I wanted my first impression to be with his family. I wanted to be normal again. However, for those who know me, normal is something I will never be!

On Saturday I had the chance to celebrate my best friend and all her glory at an amazing restaurant in the city. It was wonderful to see so many people that I know follow this blog (shout out to Kate & Tara!)! Even better was to see her family, some of which I haven't seen since her wedding a year and a half ago. One of her brothers took a minute to recognize me (that is always fun!). It was great to get dressed up and show off my new figure to people that really care about me. It gave me an ego boost for sure! My best friend is an amazing woman and so incredibly supportive of me. She went out of her way to make sure that the restaurant could make food that was to plan for me. It was a fantastic night out and a great way to get over the self doubt I had been feeling.

I think I need to take some me time in the coming weeks to refocus myself and get out of the funk in my own head. I am getting bogged down by the little things (since I naturally like to focus on the bad instead of the good) and need to do something to kick my own ass. I know I keep saying it here but it takes me time to build up enough steam to turn words in to action.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Hello everyone! I am happy to report that this week we see the scale do it's job...Down 4 pounds!! It is a wonderful feeling to see a nice big number like this! I am refocused (for the most part) and moving towards my goal of being 200 pounds by the time I leave for Florida (soooooo excited). I think I can thank the warmer weather for giving me the chance to walk several days this past week. I haven't been as focused on me eating and finding myself wanting to cheat at least once a day. It's hard to say cheat since this is not a diet but I am definitely not as strict as I once was. It's hard to keep that kind of focus for months on end. I have to give myself a pat on the back though. While I have eaten off plan I haven't gone hog wild. My stomach is definitely smaller than it used to be which helps with that. I can't keep beating myself up for these dalliances with the devil (he is so tempting).

I think everyone's moods go in cycles. Right now I am in a time of self doubt and self induced stress. I know it's my own little Gollum having a good romp through my brain. I gave him a little leeway and that bastard takes a mile. As I have said before I tend to keep a lot of this to myself. I think the reason for that is that I know that talking about it won't mobilize me to do anything. Most people find it hard to talk about these things because those that love us want to help us. They want to make it better. They want to let you know how wrong that little Gollum voice is. That stuff is hard to hear because it doesnt jive with my self perception ( I know I am super hard on myself). That is why I talk about it on here. This is my outlet for such things. As you have seen over the past few weeks that this is the topic of the moment. I am sorry if it bores y'all to tears but alas it is the broken record that is on repeat in my head.

Anyway, Today is a day to not go off plan but rather celebrate my loss by sticking to my guns! Gollum be damned!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!

Let me start by giving you the bad news first...I haven't lost a thing. Big fat (well at least it's not morbidly obese anymore) zero. I have been feeling quite sabatoge-y lately (I realize that isn't a word but bear with me). I have done little things all week to derail myself. Am I bored? Am I looking for a new challenge? Or is it that dirty dirty Gollum (if you are new here you can click on the tag Gollum on the right to see what I am talking about) rearing his ugly head? I think its a combo pack of these things. See I have a problem. Happiness is not something I am good at. I am much better at cynisism, negativity and self doubt than being happy. I don't know what to do with myself when I am happy. I feel a myriad of things. Mostly they center around the fact that happiness is fleeting. At some point it will go away. The root cause could be anything. Perhaps I still don't think I deserve it. Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for a bomb to go off. The other shoe to drop. Do I feel like this all the time? No I certainly don't. However, when I have time on my hands I do. Lynne idel is a bad bad thing. And I have A LOT of idel time. Yet I am unwilling to make more changes to become more active. Some habits die hard I guess.

I don't want people to read this and then come at me with pep talks. I love my friends, family and assundry others who read this blog. I appreciate your faith in me (for you have far more than I do). I spent years only feeling negativity. As strange as it sounds it's a comfort zone for me. However, I need to feel these things. I have to work through them. I know that this is temporary. I know that I have people who truly love me and I know that many of you are sitting there worried about me or wanting to shake me (or worridly shake me which would be intense). I will move past this moment and carry on. In fact I am setting up a new goal as we speak.

I am going to go on a real vacation in May. This is incredibly exciting to me for several reasons.

1. I get to spend time with my amazing boyfriend and his friends. Good times will be had.
2. I get to fly on a plane and this time (fingers crossed) I won't need a seat belt extender or have the humilation of being asked to board the plane to make sure I fit the seat first.
3. I am going to DISNEYWORLD!!!! And while there I will be making a stop at Harry Potter World (because there is no way I am going to pass up that opportunity).

With all of that to look forward to I need to refocus myself. We are going at the end of May. Which means I have about 10 weeks to lose as much as I can. I would LOVE to lose 50 more pounds but I think that might be unrealistic. Why 50? Because then I would be under 200 pounds (for the first time since high school I am pretty sure). I am going to make my goal 40 pounds. This way if I blow by it fantastic!

Thanks for letting me vent and all your continued support. I really do appreciate it!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!

Happy Day to all who wander here! Today is not only WIW but it also happens to be my amazing sister's birthday! For those of you who don't know my sister Tracey and I are like two peas in a very strange pod. She is the bread to my butter substitute. The lean to my green. The coffee to my shake. I can honestly say that I don't know two sisters who are more in sync then we are. We are the annoying people with a million (I mean that figure quite literally) inside jokes. We speak our own language of strange quotes (often just created out of tangents that we go on that would be hard to explain to others). My earliest memory is of being in awe of her, sitting on my bedroom floor with her in her baby seat(not sure what else to call throne?) and kissing her forehead ( I know aren't you just melting at that image).  I know that I wouldn't be the person I am today without her.

As you all know one of my big goals is to be on the Amazing Race and she will be my partner in crime. I couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else. As of late I have had a hard time focusing on said goal because I feel so good and look fantastic (Good Morning Ego!). In an effort to kick start that drive in me I am going to share a picture with you. This was taken at Tracey's birthday celebration last year.

                                                      A year ago today I looked like this.
And now, thanks to her support, your support and my own drive I look like this .......
Same great smile but a heck of a lot easier to see! Oh and that handsome man by my side is another amazing person in my life, my boyfriend Brian (yeah I bagged me a great guy).
Seeing that is pretty damn motivating I must say! I have come so far and while I still have a way to go I know I can get there. One baby step at a time. Speaking of which, I am down 2 pounds this week. Any loss is a good loss!