Let me start by giving you the bad news first...I haven't lost a thing. Big fat (well at least it's not morbidly obese anymore) zero. I have been feeling quite sabatoge-y lately (I realize that isn't a word but bear with me). I have done little things all week to derail myself. Am I bored? Am I looking for a new challenge? Or is it that dirty dirty Gollum (if you are new here you can click on the tag Gollum on the right to see what I am talking about) rearing his ugly head? I think its a combo pack of these things. See I have a problem. Happiness is not something I am good at. I am much better at cynisism, negativity and self doubt than being happy. I don't know what to do with myself when I am happy. I feel a myriad of things. Mostly they center around the fact that happiness is fleeting. At some point it will go away. The root cause could be anything. Perhaps I still don't think I deserve it. Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for a bomb to go off. The other shoe to drop. Do I feel like this all the time? No I certainly don't. However, when I have time on my hands I do. Lynne idel is a bad bad thing. And I have A LOT of idel time. Yet I am unwilling to make more changes to become more active. Some habits die hard I guess.
I don't want people to read this and then come at me with pep talks. I love my friends, family and assundry others who read this blog. I appreciate your faith in me (for you have far more than I do). I spent years only feeling negativity. As strange as it sounds it's a comfort zone for me. However, I need to feel these things. I have to work through them. I know that this is temporary. I know that I have people who truly love me and I know that many of you are sitting there worried about me or wanting to shake me (or worridly shake me which would be intense). I will move past this moment and carry on. In fact I am setting up a new goal as we speak.
I am going to go on a real vacation in May. This is incredibly exciting to me for several reasons.
1. I get to spend time with my amazing boyfriend and his friends. Good times will be had.
2. I get to fly on a plane and this time (fingers crossed) I won't need a seat belt extender or have the humilation of being asked to board the plane to make sure I fit the seat first.
3. I am going to DISNEYWORLD!!!! And while there I will be making a stop at Harry Potter World (because there is no way I am going to pass up that opportunity).
With all of that to look forward to I need to refocus myself. We are going at the end of May. Which means I have about 10 weeks to lose as much as I can. I would LOVE to lose 50 more pounds but I think that might be unrealistic. Why 50? Because then I would be under 200 pounds (for the first time since high school I am pretty sure). I am going to make my goal 40 pounds. This way if I blow by it fantastic!
Thanks for letting me vent and all your continued support. I really do appreciate it!