Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Let's start off with the bad news first...I gained 2 pounds, I am starving and I think about food all day every day. I dream of ice cream, cheeseburgers, frozen yogurt (yes it is different than dreaming of ice cream) and fresh fruit. I am tired of having to explain why I can't eat things, why I don't drink alcohol (not that I really drank before this journey but it seems different now) and always having to say no.

Sorry kids I just needed to bitch for a few there. I am having a tough time with my emotions as of late and I have a tendency to keep them to myself. Which as we all know is never a good idea. I know that most of this is coming about because I am finding myself in more situations that are outside my comfort zone. The one great thing about being fat was that I always had a readily available excuse as to why I couldn't do things. I no longer have that excuse and having to be honest about my anxiety is hard for me. Meeting new people, being around children and large crowds are just a few things that shoot my anxiety levels through the roof. It is based around the idea of having to have people like me. I feel like I have to put on a great act, to mask my gargantuan amounts of self doubt, anxiety and general negativity. It's not that I don't like the new people, or children in general (crowds can go shove it though) but it's exhausting having to hide all those things. I don't know how to stop the anxiety, since I used to use food to help make those feelings subside. I am not sure how I am going to deal with these things, but I guess acknowledging that they exist is the first step.

The good news of the week is that I joined a gym! I decided to give Lucille Roberts a try since it's the cheapest gym in my area. Even if it does conjure up images like this...

(And I will say there was one woman there yesterday who was rockin a neon green one..but she looked batshit crazy anyway) . I am looking forward to having a gym that I can have my own time in. I may even try some of the classes they offer. It's a step in the right direction. It might slow my weight loss down but I know I feel better after working out. Let's see what happens.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday!

Wow..3 posts in a week! You must all be bowled over right now! I know I am. Today brings with it another 3 pounds lost. How fitting no? I have been watching what I eat (perhaps indulging in a little extra whip cream or peanuts now and again). My stomach is still getting used to eating this way again. Mostly I seem to have an issue with my lean and green. I always feel nauseous afterwards. Maybe I got some bad lettuce or something?

 I am still not back to exercising yet. I have walked one day this week but I will be walking plenty over the next couple of days. I am taking a mini vacation into NYC with my man (insert big goofy smile here). I mentioned yesterday that I am falling back in love with the city. I am so excited to be there with him, to go exploring in places I have never been. Going to the city used to be a nightmare for me. It's hard to love going to a place where you are sure to suffer at the hands of others. In no other place was I treated so poorly as I was in NYC. Without fail, I would be called horrible names, laughed at, openly stared at, had food thrown at me and had children say the most unimaginable things about me. The list could seriously go on. Not to mention, when you are 380 pounds the last thing you want to do is walk around the city. Even in the winter I would work up a sweat something fierce. I could always write off hating the city as not liking the "hustle and bustle"(I am still not a lover of the big crowds in Times Square). Deep down though I knew I was avoiding all the pain I would feel, emotionally and physically, and who really wants to put themselves through that?

In looking back over my journey I realize now just how limited my life had become. The city is just one example of how I would push back from life. I didn't really get to experience my 20's the way others did. I hid. Behind food, behind my fat, behind a huge wall I had built. I lost friends, almost ruined other friendships and did major damage to my self esteem. All so I could have the "freedom" to eat what I wanted when I wanted. I know there are deeper emotional issues behind that but I feel I have rambled on long enough.

I try to not have regrets, for all the mistakes you make bring you to your present, but I will always mourn the loss of my 20's (not that I will dwell on it because everyone loses their 20's...that whole pesky aging process). I am fortunate enough to have rebuilt and strengthened friendships, to regained my love of things I thought long dead and am finding more ways to love myself. Losing this weight involves getting rid of my old notions and seeing them through a new lens. I am rebuilding my life (which sounds somewhat daunting) and I am going to make sure I live it to the fullest. Happy Wednesday my friends...for today is another day to make changes and see what new things you can build for yourself!
(p.s. not sure when I started sounding like a self help guru..but hey the truth is the truth!)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Happy Mediversary to Me!

1 year. 365 days. 8,766 hours. 154 pounds. I can't really find the words today to express how I feel. It's hard to summarize an entire year of your life isn't it? Not just any year either..a year of major changes. While I am still, at the core of me, the same person, I am forever changed. In a strange way, I feel blessed to have gone through what I have. I don't mean the weight loss. I mean being the weight I was. If I had never weighed 380 pounds I never would have known how amazing life can really be. It gives you such an appreciation for the small things, that most people take for granted (hell even I take some of it for granted now). We all have struggles in our lives, things to overcome.I will still struggle, for that is life, but it wont be in the same way it was before. As my mother said (wise woman that she is) "You will never have to lose 154 pounds ever again". I will never go back to where I was, but I am glad I was there. It is all part of my own personal journey through my time here.

In celebration of my Mediversary let us revel in some of the things I have been able to do this past year!
  • Go shopping in a normal store (which I haven't been able to do since before High School)
  • Fit into an airplane seat and buckle the seat belt without an extender
  • Sit Indian Style (I know, I know it's not PC but come on!)
  • Ride a roller coaster
  • Ride a bike
  • Make healthy food choices while eating out
  • Exercise and grow to love it (never thought I would be that person!)
  • Sit in a booth in a restaurant (When I sit in one now I can't imagine that I was ever to big to not fit..they seem huge now!)
  • Enjoy the summer months without sweating from the slightest movement
  • Go into New York City and not be mocked, stared at or have names called out at you. (I am actually falling in love with the city for the first time since HS)
  • Enjoy having my picture taken
  • Doing things for myself and being able to say No (being able to make yourself a priority is hard to do when you hate yourself)
  • Opening up myself to the possibility of falling in love and having the Universe send me Brian. Who loves me for me (my looks are a bonus)
  • Being excited for my future
These are just a few things I can do now that I couldn't before. I don't know where this journey is headed but given what I have seen this past year, it's only towards good things! Thank you all for sticking with me through the good, the bad and the ugly. The biggest thank you though goes to me. I am never one to give myself a pat on the back but I gotta give props where props are due. 1 year and I never gave up. I want to give the little girl inside of me a big hug and tell her "You are worth all the things you never thought you were. I am sorry I put you down and hid you for so long. You are free. You are free". This next year is all about that..freedom and what I do with it. Let's see where the road takes us...

Monday, June 20, 2011

Oh how far I've come!!!

It's intensely strange to be sitting here knowing that 1 year ago tonight I was in a totally different place. Granted, it's the same couch and same living room but where I am in my life is kind of mind blowing. Even though tomorrow is technically my Mediversary, I think tonight is just as important. I will save my rambling of emotions for tomorrow (because as you know, my friends, I love a good ramble). A year ago today I was worried about failure, hunger, and if this plan would work. Now, I am just excited for what tomorrow has to offer, all of them. Tomorrow I will share with you some things that 1 year ago I couldn't do. Tonight though, would you care to see some new pics?? ( I am pretty sure I just heard a universal yippie!!) 

I figured start off with the sassy one first

How you like me now?

These pants are starting to get lose me thinks!
Umm You can see a lot more of the wall now huh?
I will let that one speak for itself!
There is still such a major disconnect for me when I look at these picture. Part of me can't believe I was ever that size. Part of me can't believe I am the size I am now. It's  all so surreal. Yet what I do know is that I worked really really hard for this. I have not only lost 154 pounds but I am slowly losing my unhealthy relationship with food. One day I know that I will be better with food than I am today. Never perfect (for who is) but better. That is what I have learned. That things can always get better if you let them.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

It's Wednesday already??

Funny story..I had actually planned to make more posts this week in celebration of my upcoming Mediversary. However, as these things go, I have not dedicated any time to it. Life is busy people! However, I promise here and now that I am going to take some me time and really reflect on my earliest posts. They are important in understanding just how far I have come. Also, the sister and I will be doing a photo shoot this evening so new shiny things for you to look at!

In other news..I am down another 2 pounds this week! I am pleased with this, more so because it was an up and down week. I am finding it hard to be 100% but I have done it. I fight with myself each and every day. It's far harder than in the beginning. I think because when I look in the mirror I really like what I see. I can honestly say I feel pretty. Actually pretty doesn't cut it. I feel beautiful. For the first time in my life I can look at my whole body and say (even with it's imperfections, loose skin, bumps and bruises) "I am one good lookin chick". I have an extra swagger in my step which I would only have on a rare occasion before. Therefore I have less of a drive to change it. While I am still in the obese category I feel better than I have in years!! While I still have my goal I know it will take longer to get there than this past 154 pounds did. I am ok with that. This is a life long journey so I have to take it one day at a time (similar to AA one might say)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

We've Hit A Milestone!!!

My amazing friends I have hit another major milestone!!! I have lost 9 pounds this week which makes a grand total of 152 pounds lost! I have finally reached my next big goal!! I have been circling this number for almost 2 months now and boy does it feel good to finally break it! I am coming up on my year Mediversary (as many in the Medifast community call it) and I never ever ever thought I would have come so far!

In the coming days I am going to look back over my posts and remember what I was feeling this time last year. I can tell you that at around this time I had already made the choice to start this plan. My amazing friends Mike and Jen were getting married (It was such a special and beautiful day). I knew that it was going to be the feast of a lifetime so I had decided I would start after it. I was merely waiting for the food and for my courage to show up! I was excited but scared. Scared that I would fail, but mostly to disappoint my family and friends. They have always loved me no matter what size (even if most of the time I couldn't allow myself to feel it) I knew they were scared for my health and finally so was I.

More reflections in the  days to come I am sure. For now though it's time to celebrate with another installment of "What does it look like? " You ready???

I've lost a shopping cart full of sugar! I knew I was sweet but daaammmnnnn

I've lost this chair made out of those free AOL CD's that used to litter store registers everywhere. I would like to know who had enough time on their hands to do this (perhaps someone waiting for their dial up Internet to load)

I've lost this collection of pull tabs from the tops of soda cans. I'm not sure what's harder to believe..that I lost 152 pounds or that someone took the time to collect these.

I've lost this screaming eagle (insert nightmare here) statue carved out of Jade.

I've lost this master of the universe..the one and only Darth Vader

Hip Hop Hooray I lost the world's largest cupcake!! (even this random lady is happy for me)

As always I wouldn't be here without the love and support of all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my now much smaller (yet no less powerful in it's capacity to love) heart!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Nothing much to report today friends. No loss but no gain either! I am back on plan 100% as of yesterday ( so I am tons of fun to be around right now). I know I will feel better soon and my energy levels will be back up. Until then I am going to retreat into the depths of my own mind and dream of my amazing vacation. It is always hard to come back from a great trip as you wish you could be back there every moment of the passing days. Soon enough though I will be back in my daily routine and the mourning will cease (am I dramatic or what??). In an effort to keep the memories alive a little longer here are some pics from my trip!

Which way to go? Why not both ;)

Mmmm I can remember the taste of the butterbeer. Very very sweet but so good!

The magnificent Hogwarts

The excitement of seeing Cinderella's Castle in the distance! Notice the strategic turning of the body to hide my "pterodactyl wings"
I hope you are all having a great day! Hopefully next week I will be back with some losing news!