What I can and can't do is ever changing over these past 4 months. Here are some of the things that I can now do that I couldn't do before...
Sit comfortably in a booth at a restaurant
Sit "Indian style" (I know there is a more pc term for it out there but forgive me) on my couch
Walk up stairs without feeling the need to call the paramedics
Not sweat half as much when doing simple physical things
Make smarter food choices at restaurants (while only momentarily feeling a need to order something fatty and horrible for me)
Inadvertently inspire other people to do better things for themselves (which is incredibly strange and foreign to me)
Things I can't do...
Stay positive about the rest of my life (weight loss I got covered, now the rest of my life is in focus and I can't find my way through it)
Have faith that I will find what it is I am looking for (optimism is not my strong suit and never has been)
Accepting the compliments I have been getting without looking for some reason to deny them (even if I keep it to myself)
Believe that I will find my sense of purpose
I have found myself drowning in my own self hate as of late. Which of course means I am keeping it to myself because that is what I always do. I internalize because I know that if I talk about it I will hear things like "Of course your amazing" or "I don't understand how you can see yourself this way" or "You will find it/him/yourself someday". Those things just serve to make me feel like I am more alone or defensive. I am actually quite defensive about my self hatred. I protect it and continue to fuel it. I don't know if it is because it is the belief system that I have built for myself and to question it means to lose what little sense of self I have. Or if it just my natural stubbornness shining through.Either way I recognize that doing this has not served me well in the past so it is the least I can do. I can let it out and let you know it's going on. I am not looking for words of encouragement or to fish for compliments but rather to be honest about where my mind is at. Loving oneself is harder than any amount of weight I need to lose. This is my challenge. This is my goal. Not to be thin or healthy (while both good side effects) but to find out why I feel this big gaping hole and why I can never ever seem to fill it.