Friday, October 15, 2010

The good, the bad & the ugly

What I can and can't do is ever changing over these past 4 months. Here are some of the things that I can now do that I couldn't do before...

Sit comfortably in a booth at a restaurant
Sit "Indian style" (I know there is a more pc term for it out there but forgive me) on my couch
Walk up stairs without feeling the need to call the paramedics
Not sweat half as much when doing simple physical things
Make smarter food choices at restaurants (while only momentarily feeling a need to order something fatty and horrible for me)
Inadvertently inspire other people to do better things for themselves (which is incredibly strange and foreign to me)

Things I can't do...

Stay positive about the rest of my life (weight loss I got covered, now the rest of my life is in focus and I can't find my way through it)
Have faith that I will find what it is I am looking for (optimism is not my strong suit and never has been)
Accepting the compliments I have been getting without looking for some reason to deny them (even if I keep it to myself)
Believe that I  will find my sense of purpose

I have found myself drowning in my own self hate as of late. Which of course means I am keeping it to myself because that is what I always do. I internalize because I know that if I talk about it I will hear things like "Of course your amazing" or "I don't understand how you can see yourself this way" or "You will find it/him/yourself someday". Those things just serve to make me feel like I am more alone or defensive. I am actually quite defensive about my self hatred. I protect it and continue to fuel it. I don't know if it is because it is the belief system that I have built for myself and to question it means to lose what little sense of self I have. Or if it just my natural stubbornness shining through.Either way I recognize that doing this has not served me well in the past so it is the least I can do. I can let it out and let you know it's going on. I am not looking for words of encouragement or to fish for compliments but rather to be honest about where my mind is at. Loving oneself is harder than any amount of weight I need to lose. This is my challenge. This is my goal. Not to be thin or healthy (while both good side effects) but to find out why I feel this big gaping hole and why I can never ever seem to fill it.


  1. Love you can do list!! On your list of things you can't do, maybe you should add a YET. :)

    I so relate to self-loathing. That has been and is my issue. And your right, it is the hardest thing to change and it doesn't matter how much people tell me I'm amazing or whatever. There are other things that I've allowed in my perspective to fuel my belief in why I am actually so horrible. It is an ongoing battle. It is a battle in my mind.

    But I do believe in good and evil forces in the world, and that there is a force for all that is good and right and uplifting and inspiring, etc. And there is a force for all that is evil and deceiving and negative and degrading, etc. When I do listen to those self-degrading thoughts - or as you put it, your "Gollum", I am fueling that force for negative... but I KNOW there is so much good and positive and wonderful if I will but choose that. I'm sure you know this too. It's about changing the habits of the way we think and the way we CHOOSE to view things. It requires humility, at least for me, and turning my heart aches and worries to God. It's not easy.

    So, you say you aren't looking for words of encouragement but I hope you know that everything passes and we always move on and things DO get better! There is such a bright future ahead of you. I remember being told that once when I was very low and I was scared to even believe it. But it was true!

    You are doing great and I hope those "evil forces" (aka Gollum) will be kicked out so that you can enjoy your new and wonderful life and live it to it's fullest!!


  2. Thank you Margene..I appreciate the comments and the insight. It is always good to hear how others handle their own times of self doubt. My biggest fear is that they will never go away and I think in part that is true. Self doubt is a part of human emotion...we need it. However, I hope that someday I can get to a place where I no longer feel so uncomfortable with the idea of loving myself.