Lately, I have been thinking (and over thinking) about where I am. My focus is shot to pieces to be perfectly frank. I have a lot on my plate (just so you know I wrote that as potato..can you tell where my mind is??). I am not sure where my will power and strength have gone but they are officially in hiding. For the first time in a long time I am genuinely scared to weigh in. I am afraid that the scale will show me as the epic failure I feel I am. Why such a harsh judgment on myself you ask? Because that is (unfortunately) how I roll. I have always been hard on myself. I have never seen the good things I have done but rather always focus on what I haven't done. For those of you not new to my blog I am sure that is ABUNDANTLY clear.
I am not sure where to go from here. I am not sure what the path forward should be. I know I don't want to give up (no matter what that damn gollum says). I also don't know what I want the next stage of this journey to look like. I have really really enjoyed getting to eat with my friends and family lately. I also know that I have enjoyed myself too much. I loosen up the reins and I immediately start to fall back into some old patterns. I am doing things to counterbalance my poor choices (such as exercising at least 4 days a week). However, the realization that my relationship with food is almost as bad as it was a year ago is deeply upsetting. It is things like this that make me feel like a failure. Yes, I have lost 155 pounds (give or take). Yes, I am healthier and happier than I was. Can I keep it up though? I am always going to want to make poor choices. I will always want dessert, french fries, junk food. I will always have to fight the urge to use food as an emotional crutch.
Perhaps it is that, knowing that this battle of making good choices, will always be my burden to bear, that has me so confused. Maybe I really did think that once I lost weight it would change how I feel about food. Funny story. It did not. Having this year off from food, was a good thing. It allowed me to lose a large amount of weight and get me moving again. However, it did not address how I am going to live in a food world once I was done.
My main questions to myself are:
1. Should I go back to Medifast 100%
2. Can I go back?
3. If not, then what am I doing?
As of right now, I have no answer. I have to get past the shame and disappointment I feel for not being 100% on plan anymore. I have to allow myself to see that changing the plan doesn't mean failure but just that..a change. Oy vey people...oy vey.