Up and down..up and down.. now I know what people mean by yo-yo dieting! I am up 2 pounds. I have not given up on my goals but as I have been saying for some time now, I have no focus. I see myself reverting back to some old habits but to be honest I'm not sure why that is.Things in my life are going really well in general. I have a new car (thank you to all parties who made that possible!), I have some money in savings, I no longer have debt hanging over my head and I have firm plans to move in with my most amazing boyfriend in April. Life seems to be heading in one great direction but I feel no different on the inside. Perhaps the change (since I am such a HUGE fan of change) is making me want to act out in not so good for me ways. In many ways, I feel no different about myself then I did a year or more ago. I still don't see myself in a light that is positive for the most part. I don't take pleasure in my success. I see myself as average at best. Average doesn't deserve praise as far as I'm concerned. I don't know how to change my view of myself. I hate (deep abiding hatred) self affirmations (they feel icky and wrong and contrite). I've done the therapy thing on and off for years. I am stubborn in my self hatred. It is my comfort zone.
All that being said, I know I must be different than a year ago. While some of the base emotions are the same. The same self hating thoughts floating through my head. I know that I am capable of change. I don't like it but now I know I can do it. Perhaps it's time to baby step my way into some self love (and not the dirty kind you perverts). It is the hardest part of losing weight. Getting over the reasons why you were obese to begin with.