Friday, November 18, 2011

Yes, I am alive...

As I have received a few messages wondering where I am or how I am doing I figured I should check in with y'all. I got nothing. I didn't step on the scale this week. Why? Because I know my eating hasn't been great and I haven't exercised to make up for it. Therefore, I know it won't be anything good. Avoidance isn't what I aim for but at the same time, why beat myself up further? I am well aware that I am fucking this up royally right now. I am not eating right. I am not exercising. I am not happy with my choices, yet I can't seem to stop myself. It's too easy to eat bad. It's too easy to fall back into old habits.

Why I am doing it is the question I keep asking myself. Perhaps it is all the change I see coming my way that has me uneasy (as excited for the change as I am, change is never easy). I feel like my focus is gone. Not just on my diet but in general. I find my brain shutting down, my eyes unfocused and going glassy. It's always been hard for me to concentrate but it seems when I have a lot of things swirling through my head, it gets even worse. With me, when things get too numerous, I tend to shut down. For example, even though I am months away from moving, I think about it all the time. I think about all the big and little things that need to get done. I can't do anything about most of this for a few months, so why am I letting it occupy my thoughts? Not sure but I can't seem to get them to stop. No matter how many times I tell myself to take a deep breath and let it go, they pop up again. It's like a huge to-do list and I can't check anything off. Hence why it's making me crazy. I am not good at waiting for things I really want. I will put off things I hate to do or don't want to do till the last minute.

Le sigh...I know I have it in me to keep losing weight, but it's not a priority for me right now. Maybe after Thanksgiving, I can give myself some time to exercise and that might help. Ok, not maybe, I WILL make time. I have to. I know it can make me feel better. So there. That's manageable. I can do that. Thanks always know how to make me feel better (and you, my dear friends as well)

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