Where oh where have I been?

Howdy, folks. Sorry, it's Lynne, remember me? The lady who said she was going to keep a blog of her "journey" but then remembered how hard it is to write one on a regular basis so she kind of bailed. Well, I am back and ready to thrill you with the roller coaster of emotions that you have come to know and love.

I will start off with the total weight loss (since ,let's get serious, that's what your here for). I am down 82 pounds total. Not where I want to be. I should be at at least 100 lbs at this point. For someone my weight I should be losing 20 lbs a month. I have been losing and gaining the same 5 pounds for 5 weeks straight. It is beyond frustrating but I can't say I don't know why. My old nemesis food has been showing up in all of it's various delicious forms again. I wish that my sleeve restricted me from certain foods but alas, it is super welcoming & friendly to everyone.

The only thing I can say is that sugar does seem to give me a bit of a headache and bread and pasta don't sit as well. Otherwise, all bets are off. I also don't seem to have as much restriction in how much I eat. It is most certainly less than what I was eating before surgery but way more than 2 months ago. The harsh truth about this surgery is coming to the forefront. I will have to diet for the rest of my life. And that, my friends, is fucking depressing. I thought this surgery would take away my hunger, make me only able to consume small amounts of food and turn my stomach to many of my favorite food groups. That is not my case. Therefore I am back at square one. Weighing and measuring and tracking my foods. I just can't handle it. I feel like an utter failure and like giving up because why bother? This will be just like any other diet I have tried and failed over my lifetime but with more doctors visits.
That is what my pessimistic inner voice likes to tell me. However, I am not giving up. Despite the overwhelming urge to just say "Fuck It", I won't be doing that. I refuse to have had surgery for "nothing". I can't say it's been for nothing since I am now Diabetes free (a reformed diabetic? I don't know the right term). I think it's time for me to find a therapist who works with food addicts. I have a wonderful therapist but it isn't her specialty. The truth is food no longer does what it used to for me. It doesn't fill the void or give me that endorphin rush like it used to. That doesn't stop me from trying to get it back though.
I never thought that 5 pounds would send me off the deep end. Yet here we are, treading water in the sea of self doubt and self inflicted misery. Change is a bitch and she is taking me on one hell of a ride. I see all of these women in these online support groups, loving life and losing weight left right and center but no one seems to talk about the struggle. They just say how much they love their tool and how magical and perfect life is.

Maybe one day I will be like them. Touting how amazing life is and how "blessed" I am but that day

ain't today folks. I am struggling and am so tired of the fight but fight on I shall. 

Another Year Over...

Welcome to 2018,everyone! I hope you all have had a magical and wonderful holiday season. Mine was quite full and happy. Lovely times were had with friends and family and celebrations abounded. I loved getting to spend quality time with my family and Brian's. I love being an Aunt and personally speaking, I think my niece and nephews are the best!

The hardest part of the Holidays is the same for me as it is for everyone else.

 

I love me some desserts and the holidays are just jam packed with sweet treats. Not to mention most of them are free, and let's be honest who doesn't love free food? Even though I can now eat about 1/4 or less than what I used to eat, all bets were off on the what I was eating. I still focused on protein most of the time but I did eat lots of cookies, crackers with dip and various assorted other carbs. Carbs glorious carbs. I have to say that most of the things I ate went down without an issue. I did discover that bagels are no longer my friend (which is like a dagger to my Long Islander heart). Two bites and I immediately get flushed and felt sick for a few hours. In other words, a great time!

I have found, as per usual, the mental part of this whole "journey" is the hardest part. I get full on very little but I find that utterly depressing. Eating sugar and carbs releases serotonin and boy do I miss it!

It's not that I didn't know I was a food addict or have an unhealthy relationship with food, I just didn't realize how deep this would go. Eating one cookie is nice but not nearly as amazing as it feels to eat as many as you can handle. I am learning how to deal with that disappointment but it's not always easy. I am also someone who has always indulged whatever food fantasy of the day I was having. Impulse control is something I struggle with as someone with ADD. It's not easy for anyone to ignore their whims of fancy but when you throw ADD (also known as shiny object syndrome) it makes it that much harder. We all have our hurdles and these are just some of mine.

On to the better side of this whole surgery thing...the weight loss. A lot of people ask me if I feel any different but honestly, not really. Yes some things are easier, like I can easily bend over to tie my shoe, I can fit into more types of seats, I can walk up stairs a little better. Minor but not insignificant. I am pleased to say that I am not yet 3 months out from surgery and I am down 70 pounds (20 lbs before surgery and 50 after). Let's do one of my favorite things, shall we? 

                                               What Does It Look Like???

                                                                   That's a lot of balls, folks!

                                    I've lost this Darth Vader Kettle Bell (how bad ass is that thing?)

                            I've lost this angry-ass Dinosaur looking mother-fucker (the turtle not the dude)

                                                       I've lost the world's largest Atlas!

I hope you have enjoyed my latest ramblings. Until next time!

A Day in the Life...

Another post so soon? Am I sick? Is something wrong? Nah..I just wanted to do a little updatin. I am down to 296 which is such a fantastic feeling. After stalling for 2 weeks at 301 it was such a great boost to see I am below 300! That's a total of 61 pounds overall and 41 pounds lost since surgery. I am 9 weeks out from surgery today so I am averaging 4.5 pounds a week. That is freaking outstanding and I am thankful to my therapist for pointing this out to me. It's hard when you don't see the scale move every time you get on it but if you look at an average, hot damn I am killing it.

Now I am going to walk you through my typical day, since I've been promising that for some time.
My body wakes me up at 7am but on weekdays I have to get up around 6:30am. The nice thing is it's not as much of a struggle these days. I am sleeping through the night which hasn't happened in years! I also fall asleep much quicker. It's been the most noticeable change for me so far.

Once I am up and ready I make myself one of these beauties...

It is a pod from our Nespresso (my all time favorite coffee device) with a premier protein shake (I can FINALLY get these babies down again) over ice. It's wonderful to have my coffee again and to be able to get my protein in at the same time. I drink it on my way to work and usually finish it by the time I get there.

Next up at around 10am is any flavor of Dannon Light and Fit Greek yogurt.

 

It has the lowest sugar of any yogurt out there and has some of the highest protein. It also doesn't take awful. I used to like Oikos Triple Zero but not anymore. It has such a strong aftertaste for me now.

Then comes Lunch. The timing of this depends on how busy I am at work but typically by 1pm. The food itself can vary day to day depending on what dinner we had the night before. Today's lunch was thanks to my beautiful and talented sister who made this divine Lemon Chicken Soup with Orzo.

It's hard to get a size perspective from this but I would say I had about 3/4 of a cup. My sleeve can hold a whole lot more food now a days. It's still not much but it's not just a 1/4 of a cup. That's normal though, especially when it comes to a soup.

All through out the day I am also drinking water. It's still very hard for me to finish my water bottle (which holds 32oz) in a day. I also drink water and Diet Snapple at home so I am not too far off from my water goals. However, it's a big change from the fact that I would have anywhere from 64 to 92 oz of water at work alone before surgery.

Dinner time is typically between 6:30 and 7:30pm depending on what it is I have to make. This was last nights dinner. Ruben stuffed pork tenderloin (recipe from Skinnytaste) with 1/4 cup of coleslaw from Ben's Deli and a half sour pickle. Mother flippin delicious! I have to remember to eat slow but it's so hard when it's sooo good.

I have also been tracking my food. Something I never wanted to have to do again in my life. It holds very negative memories for me since I have been dieting since childhood. However, I got over myself and realized that if I wanted to see what I am eating and how it impacts my weight loss I have to track it. I am using MyFitnessPal which is great as it also connects with my Fitbit so I can track everything all in one. I am even tracking things like the cookie I had last night. A small cookie but a cookie none the less. I wrote it down and while to some it might seem trivial, it's a huge moment for me. I don't know about you but if I eat something "bad" I wouldn't write it down. I am doing my utmost best to be as honest I can be without making it a judgement on myself. I won't succeed at this if I keep telling myself I am awful and a failure every time I do something "off plan".

Exercise. Oh exercise. It is still a massive challenge for me. I am trying to get more steps in during the day but traditional working out is not happening right now. That's ok, it's still a goal of mine and not all goals get reached every single day.That's another thing I have never been good at. Goals. I don't typically set them because I don't want to fail. Failure is and has always been my greatest fear. I haven't tried many things in my life because of it. Another challenge to face thanks to this surgery.

Next time, on as the stomach churns (my own personal soap opera) I would love to take questions from you. Is there something you are dying to ask me? It doesn't have to be surgery related, maybe you just always wanted to know something about me. You can either leave it here in the comments, message me directly here or on Facebook. Until next time....

Let's talk Turkey

I would love to give you a reason for the long span between posts but honestly, I just haven't had much to say. Or perhaps I have had too much going on in my own head to really put into words. Either way, I have been hiding a bit inside of myself. However, since it's the start of the Christmas season (my absolute favorite time of year) I figured I would give of myself and let you all in on the madness. No need to thank me!

On the food front I am now back in the realm of the living...Solid Foods! 

Thanksgiving was my official first day of eating with everyone else and it was lovely. We spent the holiday with Brian's family in Connecticut. The dinner was at their country club, buffet style. I avoided the appetizers (Which was super hard given they had grilled cheese strips with a tomato soup dipping sauce) and focused my buffet choices on protein. Turkey isn't my favorite so I went for the prime rib. While delicious it was a bit fatty and went down a little heavy. I had a few bites of mashed potato and a few of stuffing. All in all I feel I got the Thanksgiving experience without feeling that I was going to explode. 

Later on we had dessert back at Brian's Aunt and Uncle's house and of course, I had to try some pies. My brother in law is an amazing pie maker so it  was out of respect(wink wink). I was worried it wouldn't end well but of course, the pie went down better than anything else that day. I now know I am in trouble. I will really have to watch myself around sweets. Not that I had a lot of pie but still, it's something to keep an eye on.

Now the real work begins. It's up to me to make the best choices I can for myself (not really my forte). I have to dedicate more time to figuring out what I should be eating instead of on what I could eat. I can pretty much have anything I want now. I can't have much of it and I can't eat too fast. I ate lunch a little to quickly the other day and let me tell you, that was zero fun. I also need to get on the exercise bandwagon. That is the hardest of all. I do have more energy now that I am able to get more protein in but it's painful. I am still over 300 pounds so while it's better than it was it's still a lot of pressure on my joints. Going to the pool to walk is really my best bet but that takes time and planning.

Reading that back to myself , I am just a big ole whiny baby. I knew this surgery was just a tool to help me to make a healthier life for myself. The trouble is being healthy is no fun. However, I am working everyday to get over myself. I am own biggest roadblock as are we all. Nothing can stop me if I put my mind to it except for that big ole whiny baby.


I am officially down 53 pounds which is nice. I think I will get excited once I get below 300. Until then I will have to push myself to do the things I don't want to do and eat the things I don't want to eat. I am an adult, damn it!

Until the next time, my friends! 

Puree all day

It's time for another update from yours truly. The last time there was exciting news to share. This time it's a bit more pedestrian. I am down another 5 lbs which should make me happy but it feels kind of..meh? I certainly didn't expect 16 lbs but maybe 7lbs? It just seems like 5lbs over 2 weeks isn't that fantastic. Especially for someone like me who has so far to go. I know that I will need to step back and find some perspective.

The awful truth is that this "journey" (stealing from the Bachelor franchise on this one) is a million times harder than I ever imagined. The longing for food is so intense at times it can feel like I lost a limb. It has definitely improved with moving to Stage 3 of my diet. Purees. Get excited everyone! Haven't you wanted to relive your infancy or have a flash forward to your old age to experience food without having to chew it?? My favorite food right now is whipped cottage cheese (Friendship Cottage cheese is the only brand I can find and I got it at Stop and Shop) with salt, pepper and a little bit of olive oil.



I know what your thinking "But, Lynne, I like my cottage cheese with fruit".  I say expand your mind my friends because this combo will blow your mind. It's so savory and creamy and it has a great protein count. I will continue to eat this even when I am not in this stage. Next stage starts Thursday and I can add tuna with mayo to the mix and egg salad as well. I will be on that for two weeks. That means for Thanksgiving I can attempt to have solid food. I don't know how that will go and may just stick to mashed potatoes which sadly doesn't really meet the protein requirements. I will probably also bring my cottage cheese with me since it's just family.

Overall, I am doing alright. Physically I am fine but mentally I am not doing great. I am sad a lot. I have been on anti depressants for years but I am still prone to days of extreme sadness for no real reason at all. My birthday is coming up and I have no desire to celebrate. What do you do for your birthday when you can't eat? The idea of putting a candle in my yogurt is the most depressing thing I can think of. Even if we went out to do something non food related I will have tote around a cooler bag full of my provisions. I know I should be excited about a future with more mobility and a longer life span but honestly I don't care right now. I know many people think me brave or someone worth celebrating but I don't and honestly doubt I ever will. I put myself in this situation and had to resort to surgery to fix it. It's the depression talking but it's my comfort zone and when everything else is making me so uncomfortable, it's where I naturally go. I didn't want to sugar coat what I am going through because I know I am not alone. I know that many others who have spent a lifetime being told by society and individuals that they are worthless or less than. Changing that mind frame is the real battle, not the weight.

I don't want to end on sad note because I know that this phase of sadness will pass. So instead let's end with some positives.

My clothes fit better and most are huge on me already
I can walk a little faster than before
I am sleeping through the night for the first time in years
I am craving food less (physically)
I am done with my injections of blood thinners (post-surgical protocol to reduce the chance for blood clots)

Until next time my friends! 

That time I lost a toddler

It's been another week and another week of ups and downs. The downs have been a lot of trips to the bathroom which were unpleasant to say the least. Let's just say I have never been so relieved to see a McDonald's bathroom in my entire life. My brain isn't quite back to normal yet in that it has a hard time "waking up". I am not back to drinking coffee yet as it doesn't really appeal to me but it's also just lack of energy overall. I have also been emotional which they say is not surprising since we store a lot of estrogen in fat, so as you lose weight that estrogen gets released. It's been a fun roller coaster of emotions!

The ups have been finding unflavored protein powder so I don't have to suffer through drinking shakes anymore. They are just so sickeningly sweet now and I can't handle it. Now I can get my protein in with yogurt and creamed soups which is much better. I am counting down the days until 11/2 when I can move to stage three. The pureed stage where I get to pulverize the crap out various sources of protein. My food processors is about to get a workout!

The other up has been a bit of weight loss! Before surgery I lost 21 pounds, 4 of which I lost over the months and the remaining 17 I lost in the 3 weeks before surgery. At my first follow up after surgery I had lost 6 pounds which was fantastic! I had heard a lot of people don't lose anything right after surgery since you are still bloated with all the fluids and air they pump into you ( makes you feel a bit like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade balloon). I went back in this week because I wanted to make sure my fun trips to the bathroom were normal (which they are!) and guess how much weight lost in 1 week? Go on, guess.....Close but no cigar! I lost 16 pounds. You read that right 16 pounds. I nearly fell off the scale and had to have the assistant read me the number again to make sure I wasn't seeing things. That's like Malaria level weight loss, people. The doctor said I was above average (awww doc you're so sweet!) but that I shouldn't expect to see that kind of number again, which is fine by me because slow and steady wins this race. In total, over 5 weeks I have lost 43 pounds. Ummm say what? That's actually insane to me and I have a hard time believing it to be honest. I thought to help me visualize it I would bring back an old feature of this blog, called What does it look like? So what does 43 pounds look like?

                                              I lost a toddler. Like a legit small human.

I lost a baby dolphin. I am sorry, what? That seems insane and also adorable. 

I lost a microwave. I am shedding household appliances like a rock star!

I lost a drug busts worth of Marijuana. 

All in all I have to say it's pretty impressive. I know as the weeks go on I will lose less but I will get to eat more kinds of food and by me that's just fine.  Until next time, when perhaps I will give you that glimpse into my average day that I keep talking about. 

The Dirt...Part 2

I'm going to take a moment to reflect on this past week before I dive back into the dirt as it were. It's been a week since my surgery and boy what a week it has been. I am finally starting to feel like myself again which felt impossible a few days ago. Surgery really throws you for a loop. Not that I didn't expect it but I didn't expect it ,you know what I mean? Your body isn't your own. You don't know it anymore and it is fucking angry. Things hurt, you can't sleep in your own bed (some people could after surgery, but of course, not moi), you have to eat but you can't tell if you are starving or nauseous, the list could go on. However, every day, was a little bit better, until finally, I could sleep in our bed again, I wasn't nauseous and everything doesn't hurt. It's hard in the throws of it to emotionally know that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I am still tired but getting better. My biggest hurdle right now is figuring out the difference between hunger, thirst and boredom. It's not easy for someone who never really learned the difference or really cared to know. It will take time but I am sure I will get the hang of it. For now, I am counting the day until I can eat real food again.  I think I might even have a ritual burning of a protein shake when I am done. I used to love them. I have been drinking them for months now but not anymore kids, not anymore. Now on to the dirt that lead me to my current state.

So where were we? Ah yes, the info session with Dr. Ahmad. It was an evening long session, filled with people sharing their triumphant stories and then Dr. Ahmad coming in to give you the nitty gritty. Brian couldn't get enough of all the pictures of surgery (He even stood up and moved closer to the screen to get a better look). The next step is to have a one on one with Dr. Ahmad. This appointment came a few weeks later. It was there that we got to ask Dr. Ahmad any questions we had to our particular situations. He discussed the options and ultimately we decided that we would both have the Gastric Sleeve Surgery. Yes, both Brian and I were going to have the surgery. I was going first and he will have his sometime in March 2018. After meeting with Dr. Ahmad we felt confident that he was the man to do our surgery and that it was our best option at fulfilling our promise to one another to live a long life together.

Fast forward to the next appointment which is what they call a 5 in one. This place is a well oiled machine, let me tell you. They have a tight system down that is really quite impressive. This appointment you get a ultrasound (to check for gallstones or other issues), blood drawn, see the patient coordination team, have a psych evaluation and meet with Dr. Ahmad again. It was about 3 hours total but it felt like a whirlwind. Everything was moving along.

A week or two later, Brian and I both got a call that took the wind right out of our sails. Dr. Ahmad's office called to tell us that we both had Type 2 Diabetes.

                                 

It was quite the shock and yet not totally unexpected. Not everyone who is obese get's diabetes. You have to have a family history of it in order to get it which we both did. Now the good news for both of us was that we had not yet blown our insulin producers out of the water and were not insulin resistant. This meant that we could turn our ships around with diet modification, weight loss and drugs. I started taking glipizide metformin right away and within 2 months my A1C ( your blood glucose number) went from 10.5 to 6.9 which is incredible. Mind you, normal range is 5.6 or below so I started off at a very scary place. My doctor said that in a year or two I would have been insulin dependent the rest of my life. Now, it is my hope to be off drugs by the new year and no longer be a diabetic. I wish that my friends with Type 1 diabetes could be so lucky, I truly do.

So with the diabetes and my weight, it was a no brainer for me to have the surgery. It was going to save my life. The next couple of months were a blur of doctors appointments, getting clearance for surgery from a cardiologist, my primary, the hospital and my surgeon, all while going to the surgeon once a month for my mandatory weigh ins. Now I would like to say that I was really dieting and getting ready for surgery and lost a ton of weight before surgery but alas that is not the case. I did change some habits and cut back on carbs big time but I wouldn't call it a diet. The diet really began 3 weeks before surgery. That diet would consist of 2 protein shakes, 2 apples and a salad with 6oz of lean protein and 2tbs sugar free dressing.

                       

To prepare for that hell I did have a week long "last supper" where I indulged in all of my favorite foods, culminating in an official "final meal" at Teller's in Bay Shore (Their Filet Wellington is..gahh..I can't even it's so amazing) . It was perfect. By the time the diet was getting starting I was kind of sick of all the indulging I had done. Then just 3 weeks later, there I was, in the hospital and walking into the OR to lay down on the operating table.

So there you have it, folks. The dirt, in all it's glory. Next up, a day in the life post surgery but for now, it's shake time (Yayyyyyy). Happy Friday, y'all!

The Dirt...Part 1

Let me start off by saying, wow! The amount of support I got over my first post is really spectacular. It's one of the hardest thing for me, to let in praise and support but it's hard to keep it out when it keeps pouring in. I appreciate it more than my meager words could express.

Now for what your really here for...the dirt! The dirt on why I decided to have a someone go into my body with a robot (it's called the DaVinci Robot ...super classy y'all) and shave my stomach down to a thin line and remove the rest of it through my belly button. I mean I had nothing to do on Thursday the 12th so I figured, meh, why not.

All kidding aside, this has been a long time coming. I had looked into Gastric Bypass ( a much more drastic procedure with far more potential pitfalls) about 10 years ago. I went through all the pre testing but when it came time to schedule the procedure I couldn't go through with it. At the time, they weren't going to be able to do my procedure laparoscopic (aka with a robot) and I would be cut open. As much fun as that sounds, it would also have involved them implanting a mesh filter in my veins that I would have had to live with the rest of my life. That really made me second guess everything and I never went back.

Cut to Christmas time 2016. My husband and I had been trying for a while to lose weight together. We tried but honestly we both love food sooo much that it made it so impossible for us to stay on top it. Not to mention, we both hate to be the bad guy so stopping one another from poor choices was not our strong suit. I was feeling incredibly depressed by all the weight I had gained back. I was back at almost the beginning, 357 pounds. I couldn't fit into booths, I couldn't ride the rides, I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like my heart was going to pound out of my chest. It was feeling quite bleak. Then, as with most things in life, random things began to happen.

The first was a study had come out stating that the best way for obese people to lose weight and maintain it was through surgery. I was shocked. It wasn't by a small margin either.  (here is the article I read if you are interested ). It made me think about surgery as an option again. The second was two amazing co workers of mine had had the surgery done and they were such an incredible source of knowledge and first hand experience. They both had it done with Dr. Arif Ahmad at Mather Hospital in Port Jefferson, NY. They were so open and honest about what they were going through that it made the idea of surgery a possibility. I am forever going to be grateful to my two guardian angels, Robin and Yvette. They helped saved my life, of that I have no doubt.

After months of thinking and watching my friends go from miserable to happy and full of energy, Brian and I finally made it to one of Dr. Ahmad's seminars. The seminar is your first step. You go, get weighed in, and then listen to people who have been through the procedure tell their stories, answer your questions, and then Dr. Ahmad comes in with more specifics about the surgery itself and the various options. From there you make a follow up appointment with Dr. Ahmad and his staff to have a one on one consultation.

I will take a breather here and let you soak all of that up. I will pick up where I left off to get to the real nitty gritty of the past 6 months. For now, I am going to be good to myself, talk a little walk, then sip the hell out of some water, baller style.

5 years later...

What can I say about the last 5 years? They have been, without a doubt. the best 5 years of my life. I married my best friend on November 1st, 2013, have gone on amazing adventures, gotten to be an aunt 4 times over and witnessed the growth of my friends families with millions of babies.

So why start this blog up again, you ask? Well, despite it being the best 5 years of my life, I have managed to lose my way in the health department. Happiness has a way of letting you forget about things like eating healthy and exercising. Perhaps it doesn't for other people but for me, well those things go right out the ole window. Getting back on track has always proved difficult for me and this time has been no different. Despite being surrounded by a huge support system, losing weight and keeping it off has been an eternal struggle. It's time for something drastic. It's time to do something that has proven to help people who have been obese their entire lives like I have. It's time...to have Gastric Sleeve Surgery...

That's right, I am having Gastric Sleeve Surgery.  In fact, I've already had it. I went in for surgery on 10/12/17 and am home writing this blog. After speaking with a few friends who expressed how much they loved this blog my first time around, I decided to come back to it to keep anyone interested updated on how I am doing. The background on my decision will come in future posts. As of today, I am in less pain but still having a really tough time post surgery. It's so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. The nausea, the headaches, the lack of sleep, the strange sounds my remaining stomach now makes. It's all sorts of fun!! (Haha jk). Stay tuned for more insight and updates. For now, I am going to rest and try to get down the rest of my protein shake for the morning. The struggle is real folks.... 

OA & Me, Not Meant to Be

This image perfectly sums up what I looked like after getting home from the OA meeting I (finally) attended. A mixture of rage, sadness and just ugly, ugly crying. Why such rage? Why such overwhelming sadness? Lemme explain.

I do not have blind faith. In order to "work the program" you have to have blind faith. In God, higher power or a group of total strangers. Ain't gonna happen here kids. I never thought I was this cynical but it turns out when faced with a group of people, praising God/Higher Power I want to run as fast as I can in the other direction. So to sit for an hour and half with a group of people who do was excruciating. I had to bite my tongue and swallow the feelings of disbelief, which exploded out of me in a shaking rageful venting session (Thank you Brian for letting me sound like a complete asshole and  not judging me whilst doing so). I need time to trust people and this group wants you to just hand it over the minute you get there.

The sadness came in this overwhelming feeling that I am never going to find the answer. Even with my doubts about OA, I had hoped I could find what so many others have found there. A sense of belonging or something. How can you feel you belong somewhere when the people there don't seem real? They don't talk about their issues or problems, they just talk about the healing power of OA. They repeat the steps and positive little mantras over and over again like some sort of cult. They couldn't explain why.

The ugly, ugly crying came as a response to the feeling that I am unfixable. That my mind works in a way that can't be fixed. That is forever doomed to run in circles but never settle. I feel broken inside my own head. I want to push everyone away because I don't want them to have to deal with me because I don't want to deal with me. I feel like I'm too much. My stubbornness is insurmountable. How can you reason with someone who can find a way to get out of doing just about anything?

I've always wanted to fix my problems on my own. No medicine, no groups, no therapy. I believe there is something wrong with me that I can't do it on my own. The truth is that I'm wrong. You can't do something like this alone. The first step has been therapy. The next step for me I think is medicine. I need something to make the circles stop. Perhaps once the circles slow down I can find a way out and actually move forward.

Twelve Steppin

Therapy was interesting. It's strange to be back again after so many years away from it. The jury is still out on the therapist. I liked her but I didn't feel an immediate connection with her. However, just like dating, you have to give people a chance (unless they are total lunatics and ask you to take your shoe off in a Starbucks to see what brand it is and to see your feet...yeah, that happened). I enjoy the feeling of being able to unburden myself somewhere other than at home (Brian is such a great man but even he can break under the weight of my round about thinking).

I promised myself that whatever my therapist offered up as treatments (exercises, meditation, group therapy) I would give it a chance. In my former therapy days, I was beyond obstinate. I would only do the things I was comfortable with. I just wasn't ready then. To challenge my ideas or to leave my comfort zone. While my instant reaction to most new things is a tightening of my stomach and a steel-like resolve in my head to not do it, I am just saying yes.

Of course, her first suggestion was Overeaters Anonymous. Way to bring out the big guns of uncomfortability for me lady therapist! I went right to my trusty answer which is "I'm not sure that's for me". She was pretty adamant about it and after a few minutes I realized I have to do it. Not because she told me but because I have never done it. How can I be so sure I am going to hate something without ever trying it (this rule does not apply to anything involving birds though...I will ALWAYS hate anything to do with them so no dice).

I have spent some time this morning taking a look at the OA site and what it's all about.. For those who don't know OA, its pretty much Alcoholics Anonymous but food is in place of alcohol. The twelve steps are there and everything! Here's the thing, the main reason I have never wanted to get involved in this group is their heavy referencing of God. An example of this is "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity". I don't think I can ever get on board with thinking like this.

Do I believe in a higher power? Yes. Do I believe that it can restore my sanity? Hell no. It doesn't work like that. At least not to my thinking. I have never seen any evidence to support such a theory. It seems to me like your saying "I have no control over these things, so I am going to put my faith in this higher power/God, to make me better". It takes the onus off of you and onto God. My belief in a higher power does not include a "plan" or any answering of prayers. I believe that there are mysteries out there and that something as awe inspiring as this planet could not have simply risen out of the mud. That's where it stops though. I just think, that if this higher power was going to restore some sanity, it might be to those nut jobs who kill people, or use it's name to hurt/repress/disadvantage others. That's a bit more important than my eating habits.

All that being said, I am still going to go. I will see what they have to say and if I feel like it's something I can get into. I just needed to get it off my chest I guess.

The path to change is never straight

A straight path is what we all crave. With no bumps or off ramps or construction delays. However, life is not a straight path. It's like those winding mountain roads I loved to travel as a child (still do). With dark corners and scary curves over precipices. There are some straight bits; with little to see or do but are comforting none the less. Sometimes, you have to change course, get off and take the long back roads. You never know what you are going to find there but you hope that you still find your way to your destination.

I have taken a major detour from my path. I have been wandering in the woods for some months now. Knowing where the road is but never wandering back to it completely. I know (logically) that I can get back on that road whenever I want to. I just haven't fully wanted to.

So in non-metaphor terms, what's really going on? I am back up to 270 pounds, my clothes are super tight and I am miserable. I feel like a total failure. Even with getting on weight watchers a few months ago, I have managed to lose 12 pounds and then gain that all back and then some. It's not that weight watchers doesn't work. I don't work. I am using food to ease my anxiety. Which, is clearly, working out like gang busters. My anxiety is only momentarily assuaged by the food. It's still there when I'm done, only slightly muted.

I know that I could go back on Medifast and lose a lot of weight again. I am tempted to do it barring the high monetary cost. However, that is also only a temporary fix. I need to do the thing I have been avoiding for years now. Getting down to the hard work of changing me. Changing my outlook and my perception of myself. I have already changed so much in the past 2 years and I try to be proud of that. Yet, it's not enough. I still feel the same about myself as I did when I started. My depression has come back into play on top of it all.

So why come back to my blog? I am going back to therapy (today actually). I am fairly certain (based on my past experiences with therapy) that there will be some writing exercises. Even though I have this blog, I have always hated writing exercises. I also hate saying positive statements to myself in the mirror. I hate them because it means I have to face my feelings. I try to stamp my feelings down or devalue them because they feel so overwhelming. It's like if I allow myself to feel those feelings, they will never stop. This is why I've come back here. This feels like a safe space for me to write and allow my feelings to be released.

If anyone is reading, welcome back to my inner monologue. It's going to be one hell of a trip.

Realizations

You ever have one of those moment's of clarity that almost knock you off your feet? I had one the other day. It helped to change my mood instantly(toward the positive). Sometimes, all we need is the simple question of why answered. In trying to figure out why I am anti weight loss and trying to find comfort in food, I stumbled across the answer. Change. That pesky think I keep talking so much about.

The change that has me all wound up is moving. It's a great thing. I am moving in with the love of my life and I am beyond excited about it. However, even good change is change none the less. It means leaving behind my amazing apartment of the past 5 years. It means having to learn how to live with someone new. Learn their habits, their quirks, where to bend and when to stand firm. It means having to figure out so many little details that you take for granted over the years (who pays the bills, who takes out the garbage, who checks on scary noises in their underwear at 2am..).

Most of all though I realized just how scared I am to leave my sister behind. In case I haven't mentioned it before (or you are a new reader..if so Welcome!), my sister is my (how can I put this without sounding weird...I can't so here goes) soul mate. I obviously don't mean that in a creepy sexual way (pervs!). I mean it in that we have a deeper understanding of each other than anyone else. Since she came into my life I have cherished her. Yes, we have our moments and fight or get mad at each other (we are human after all). Overall though we have just about the best sister relationship out there. We speak in a language all our own (made up of ridiculous statements and full blow scenarios that we create out of thin air). She gets me and I her. Living with her these past 5 years has been nothing short of magical. In moving, I will lose some of that magic. Getting to come home and share our days. Watch a crazy amount of reality television (until our eyes bleed). Talk about what's going on in our lives and have a shoulder to cry on if we need it. I am not saying that Brian won't be able to give me what I need. It's just not going to be the same (hence change). I dont' want to lose the closeness we have developed. It is going to be of the utmost importance to me that I work hard to keep that (because all relationships take work and attention). We will always be sisters (the benefit of blood relations) and I know that our relationship will grow and change with us.

I look forward to what those changes will be. Her marrying and having kids. Taking vacations with our respective boo's and boolets. Growing old together. Who knows, we may come full circle someday and live out our old age together (minus the cats). In the meantime, I will take care to make sure she knows just how much these past 5 years have meant to me.

Moving is going to be a great new adventure. Once things settle into rhythms again I know I will refocus my attentions. Until then, I am thinking twice about reaching for food to comfort me. I may still do it (old habits die hard) but far less frequently. That a-ha moment has helped me to feel a bit more in control. Imma take that and run with it.

Pretty much sums us up

Can a leopard really change their spots?

After a particularly wonderful (and much needed) catch up chat with my friend, Emily, my brain began to spin. On what? On the idea of change and your mindset.  Can we ever truly change? Can we every really make the voices stop or even get quieter? Is it all temporary?

The answer for me seems to be no. I have struggled most of my life with the same issues. The same thoughts. The same beliefs. The same mindset. How can you change something that deeply ingrained? I can do things on a temporary basis it seems. For a short time, I can stay focused on thinking more positively. I can even say nice things to myself without immediately wanting to laugh at how untrue they are. However, it last for only a fleeting moment.

I don't think I am some sort of horrible creature. Merely not worthy. Nothing special. Average. Average has never been something to celebrate. Who gets a trophy for coming in the middle of the pack? (well things may be different now that every single kid gets a trophy for showing up to the game).  I want to be so much more than average but I fall short. Which is my own fault, since I cut myself off at the knees. I only give enough effort to stay average. If I am not immediately good at something I give it up. Why keep doing something that your clearly awful at?

Even in my fuddled mind I know how totally irrational that sounds. Someone doesn't become a pianist over night.They practice for hours a day for years. However, I don't know where they get that determination and drive. What is it about that one task that makes them want to keep going even if they aren't very good to begin with? Is it the love of the music? What sense of satisfaction do they get?

While this blog is about weight loss, it's really about what got me to be as heavy as I was (and still am). The weight was just a symptom of the larger problem. My mind is the bad guy here. The one that makes it impossible for me to fight any more. The one who only gives me rest when I eat something sugary/carb loaded. It makes the overwhelming deluge of negative thoughts quiet  for a moment. Depending on the food it may even quiet them for a few hours. However, it's a band aid. The thoughts always come back. Louder than before and seemingly having multiplied (getting busy whilst I ate some ice cream..it's like an episode of Jerry Springer).

I have done therapy. I have been on anti depressants. None of it did much good. The thoughts are too strong, too stubborn and deeply rooted.  It makes one feel defeated. Maybe what I will have to do is create an alter ego. A superhero who can do battle with these thoughts. Does that make me crazy? Yes, yes it does. You can only fight crazy with a higher, more whacked out crazy. (Even as I write this I am saying to myself..yeah right your never going to spend the time doing that. Not to mention, my sewing skills stop just short of Lycra pant suits and capes).

If I can't change the thoughts, what can I do? Hide away has always been my favorite answer. I don't want to hide though. I want to find a solution. I want to be ok. I want to be able to smile and mean it. I want to finally feel like I am good enough (and not just for a moment). It means hard work. I am not sure what it will take for me to be ready to do it. But, just like losing weight, one day I will get fed up enough to do something about it. I hope that day is really soon.

Heyyyyyy...It's been a little while huh?

After much poking, prodding and behests made in my general direction to get writing again, I am back. I don't have much to say. To say I went off plan would be an understatement. I fell right back into my old habits like teenage girls fall for Justin Beiber..hard. There are some feelings that I love when I am "off plan". The freedom to eat anything and everything I want. Not having to avoid social engagements so that I can ensure that I won't eat my face off. Having new eating experiences with my boyfriend. All of these things are reasons I give myself to justify over eating. What I never seem to remember is the negative attached to it.

The way I feel about myself now is exactly how I felt about myself at 380 pounds. Except now I have new and fun things to beat myself up about. How I am letting myself, my friends and family, down by eating off plan. How tight my pants have become. How I feel unattractive and generally shitty about my appearance. How I allow these thoughts to fuel the voices in my head (which never went away) about how worthless, untalented, unworthy and unimportant to myself I feel. I now know that these feelings will never leave. No matter how much weight I lose, I will always feel these things about myself. What can be done about it? Not sure..not yet anyway.

I am back on plan now (1 week in) mostly because I REFUSE to buy pants in a larger size. Not to mention, the most amazing man in the world (besides my Dad), my boyfriend,  has joined in the fight against fat. I am so proud of him for taking on this beast of a task. It's not an easy plan by any means but he is taking it on with gusto (just another reason why I love him).

I can't promise I will write more. I can't promise that I will not make you want to rip your hair out at my illogical thought patterns. I can promise though that I will try. That's all any of us can do isn't it?
(Random side note: I just noticed that it's been exactly 2 months since I have written anything..eerie stuff)

Yes, I am alive...

As I have received a few messages wondering where I am or how I am doing I figured I should check in with y'all. I got nothing. I didn't step on the scale this week. Why? Because I know my eating hasn't been great and I haven't exercised to make up for it. Therefore, I know it won't be anything good. Avoidance isn't what I aim for but at the same time, why beat myself up further? I am well aware that I am fucking this up royally right now. I am not eating right. I am not exercising. I am not happy with my choices, yet I can't seem to stop myself. It's too easy to eat bad. It's too easy to fall back into old habits.

Why I am doing it is the question I keep asking myself. Perhaps it is all the change I see coming my way that has me uneasy (as excited for the change as I am, change is never easy). I feel like my focus is gone. Not just on my diet but in general. I find my brain shutting down, my eyes unfocused and going glassy. It's always been hard for me to concentrate but it seems when I have a lot of things swirling through my head, it gets even worse. With me, when things get too numerous, I tend to shut down. For example, even though I am months away from moving, I think about it all the time. I think about all the big and little things that need to get done. I can't do anything about most of this for a few months, so why am I letting it occupy my thoughts? Not sure but I can't seem to get them to stop. No matter how many times I tell myself to take a deep breath and let it go, they pop up again. It's like a huge to-do list and I can't check anything off. Hence why it's making me crazy. I am not good at waiting for things I really want. I will put off things I hate to do or don't want to do till the last minute.

Le sigh...I know I have it in me to keep losing weight, but it's not a priority for me right now. Maybe after Thanksgiving, I can give myself some time to exercise and that might help. Ok, not maybe, I WILL make time. I have to. I know it can make me feel better. So there. That's manageable. I can do that. Thanks blog..you always know how to make me feel better (and you, my dear friends as well)

Weigh In Wednesday

Up and down..up and down.. now I know what people mean by yo-yo dieting! I am up 2 pounds. I have not given up on my goals but as I have been saying for some time now, I have no focus. I see myself reverting back to some old habits but to be honest I'm not sure why that is.Things in my life are going really well in general. I have a new car (thank you to all parties who made that possible!), I have some money in savings, I no longer have debt hanging over my head and I have firm plans to move in with my most amazing boyfriend in April. Life seems to be heading in one great direction but I feel no different on the inside. Perhaps the change (since I am such a HUGE fan of change) is making me want to act out in not so good for me ways. In many ways, I feel no different about myself then I did a year or more ago. I still don't see myself in a light that is positive for the most part. I don't take pleasure in my success. I see myself as average at best. Average doesn't deserve praise as far as I'm concerned. I don't know how to change my view of myself. I hate (deep abiding hatred) self affirmations (they feel icky and wrong and contrite). I've done the therapy thing on and off for years. I am stubborn in my self hatred. It is my comfort zone.

All that being said, I know I must be different than a year ago. While some of the base emotions are the same. The same self hating thoughts floating through my head. I know that I am capable of change. I don't like it but now I know I can do it. Perhaps it's time to baby step my way into some self love (and not the dirty kind you perverts). It is the hardest part of losing weight. Getting over the reasons why you were obese to begin with.

Weigh In Wednesday

What's up everyone! I hope you are all doing well on this sunny fall day. I am down 3 pounds which I am pleased with. It's been hard to stay on plan. Mr. Gollum is being quite pushy these days. A little cheat here and there but overall I have been on plan. I think it's important to me that even if I am not perfect that I don't allow that to be a license to over eat. Over eating is kind of my jam. I love the feeling of it to be honest (not the after effects though). There is something about not having to be controlled. About giving in to what you want and not worrying about the consequences. I think everyone has moments like those. Where they don't want to be an adult, with responsibilities. I wish I were one of those people who gets joy from eating healthy. I am sorry but quinoa, whole wheat pasta and veggies will never get my heart racing quite like ice cream, pretzels and assorted dips will (yes I know those are random things but they are what popped into my head first). However, I am learning to appreciate what those healthy foods do make me feel (which is less sluggish and proud of my good choices).

This journey ain't easy folks. I know there are things that I should be doing more of but I am resisting for some reason. I am working on why but for now I am happy to be on a downward spiral..for once!

Weigh In Wednesday

It's back kids..Weigh In Wednesday! As always with the first week there was a nice drop in my weight...no big deal..yeah you know..just 18 pounds. I swear to god I am not making this stuff up. Last week my scale screamed 238 at me (it's pretty obnoxious). This morning it somewhat incredulously said 220. Is it really possible to retain 18 pounds of water weight?I have such a hard time with these numbers sometimes. I can't image gaining 22 pounds in 3 weeks as much as I can't believe losing 18 in a week.

My energy levels aren't quite back up to where they were (I mourn their loss most of all). I know that it will take some time (as it took almost 7 months of weight loss to get them the first time). Budget wise I don't know if a gym is do able at this time. That doesn't mean I can't take advantage of the resources I have at home (looks like fitness video's are gonna make a comeback at my apartment!) . One way or the other I am doing my best to stay focused. It's never going to be perfect.

Forgiveness Friday

Forgiveness..something I can easily give to others but rarely( if ever) to myself. However, dear friends and readers..I am giving myself some forgiveness. For falling so far off my path that I am worried I won't be able to find my way back. For not keeping up with this blog in a way that is helpful to me and hopefully entertaining to you. For losing sight of my goals.

We all have times like these. Where living in the moment takes away from the future plans we have. I don't regret any of it for a minute though (well maybe eating nothing but fried food one day which resulted in laying on the bathroom floor for a few hours...I regret that). I allowed myself to indulge and in the process learned a lot about myself. I know that while in the moment it felt amazing to eat the lobster tail pastry so jammed full of whipped cream and custard that I am pretty sure my eyes rolled back in my head several times...........Sorry, I got lost there for a moment..where was I..Oh yes. SO while I enjoyed experiences like that I have gained back 22 pounds in the process. In no way did I intend for that to happen but I did nothing to prevent it either. I have been beating myself up for a day or two now..but realized quickly that it doesn't make it better. I did what I did and I forgive myself. Now it's time to refocus and not allow myself to get off track for a while. The holidays are coming up quick. I want to be as focused as I was last year. I want to feel energized again.

Starting as of yesterday, I am back on Medifast. I am currently at 238 pounds. I am going to focus on that lovely number of 199. I would love to see that number (or less) by Christmas.