After a particularly wonderful (and much needed) catch up chat with my friend, Emily, my brain began to spin. On what? On the idea of change and your mindset. Can we ever truly change? Can we every really make the voices stop or even get quieter? Is it all temporary?
The answer for me seems to be no. I have struggled most of my life with the same issues. The same thoughts. The same beliefs. The same mindset. How can you change something that deeply ingrained? I can do things on a temporary basis it seems. For a short time, I can stay focused on thinking more positively. I can even say nice things to myself without immediately wanting to laugh at how untrue they are. However, it last for only a fleeting moment.
I don't think I am some sort of horrible creature. Merely not worthy. Nothing special. Average. Average has never been something to celebrate. Who gets a trophy for coming in the middle of the pack? (well things may be different now that every single kid gets a trophy for showing up to the game). I want to be so much more than average but I fall short. Which is my own fault, since I cut myself off at the knees. I only give enough effort to stay average. If I am not immediately good at something I give it up. Why keep doing something that your clearly awful at?
Even in my fuddled mind I know how totally irrational that sounds. Someone doesn't become a pianist over night.They practice for hours a day for years. However, I don't know where they get that determination and drive. What is it about that one task that makes them want to keep going even if they aren't very good to begin with? Is it the love of the music? What sense of satisfaction do they get?
While this blog is about weight loss, it's really about what got me to be as heavy as I was (and still am). The weight was just a symptom of the larger problem. My mind is the bad guy here. The one that makes it impossible for me to fight any more. The one who only gives me rest when I eat something sugary/carb loaded. It makes the overwhelming deluge of negative thoughts quiet for a moment. Depending on the food it may even quiet them for a few hours. However, it's a band aid. The thoughts always come back. Louder than before and seemingly having multiplied (getting busy whilst I ate some ice cream..it's like an episode of Jerry Springer).
I have done therapy. I have been on anti depressants. None of it did much good. The thoughts are too strong, too stubborn and deeply rooted. It makes one feel defeated. Maybe what I will have to do is create an alter ego. A superhero who can do battle with these thoughts. Does that make me crazy? Yes, yes it does. You can only fight crazy with a higher, more whacked out crazy. (Even as I write this I am saying to myself..yeah right your never going to spend the time doing that. Not to mention, my sewing skills stop just short of Lycra pant suits and capes).
If I can't change the thoughts, what can I do? Hide away has always been my favorite answer. I don't want to hide though. I want to find a solution. I want to be ok. I want to be able to smile and mean it. I want to finally feel like I am good enough (and not just for a moment). It means hard work. I am not sure what it will take for me to be ready to do it. But, just like losing weight, one day I will get fed up enough to do something about it. I hope that day is really soon.