The awful truth is that this "journey" (stealing from the Bachelor franchise on this one) is a million times harder than I ever imagined. The longing for food is so intense at times it can feel like I lost a limb. It has definitely improved with moving to Stage 3 of my diet. Purees. Get excited everyone! Haven't you wanted to relive your infancy or have a flash forward to your old age to experience food without having to chew it?? My favorite food right now is whipped cottage cheese (Friendship Cottage cheese is the only brand I can find and I got it at Stop and Shop) with salt, pepper and a little bit of olive oil.
I know what your thinking "But, Lynne, I like my cottage cheese with fruit". I say expand your mind my friends because this combo will blow your mind. It's so savory and creamy and it has a great protein count. I will continue to eat this even when I am not in this stage. Next stage starts Thursday and I can add tuna with mayo to the mix and egg salad as well. I will be on that for two weeks. That means for Thanksgiving I can attempt to have solid food. I don't know how that will go and may just stick to mashed potatoes which sadly doesn't really meet the protein requirements. I will probably also bring my cottage cheese with me since it's just family.
Overall, I am doing alright. Physically I am fine but mentally I am not doing great. I am sad a lot. I have been on anti depressants for years but I am still prone to days of extreme sadness for no real reason at all. My birthday is coming up and I have no desire to celebrate. What do you do for your birthday when you can't eat? The idea of putting a candle in my yogurt is the most depressing thing I can think of. Even if we went out to do something non food related I will have tote around a cooler bag full of my provisions. I know I should be excited about a future with more mobility and a longer life span but honestly I don't care right now. I know many people think me brave or someone worth celebrating but I don't and honestly doubt I ever will. I put myself in this situation and had to resort to surgery to fix it. It's the depression talking but it's my comfort zone and when everything else is making me so uncomfortable, it's where I naturally go. I didn't want to sugar coat what I am going through because I know I am not alone. I know that many others who have spent a lifetime being told by society and individuals that they are worthless or less than. Changing that mind frame is the real battle, not the weight.
I don't want to end on sad note because I know that this phase of sadness will pass. So instead let's end with some positives.
My clothes fit better and most are huge on me already
I can walk a little faster than before
I am sleeping through the night for the first time in years
I am craving food less (physically)
I am done with my injections of blood thinners (post-surgical protocol to reduce the chance for blood clots)
Until next time my friends!
I can't imagine what you are going through. When something makes you happy (like food or shopping) and you have to say NO to happiness for yourself, it feels like punishment not something that is good for you. I too know something about depression and it just stinks. No other word for it. No one can talk you out of it, it just has to pass (for a time). You can try to fight it by thinking of all the positive things in your life, and you have a lot, and there may come a day when you look at food as the enemy. Lynne, there is nothing I can say to make you feel like celebrating. You need to be strong and that is the last thing you need to hear. I think your writing about the whole situation is a very good thing and may make you feel a little better. You are doing a great thing for yourself and I will keep rooting for your success! Love, Aunt Mee-Mee
ReplyDeleteLove you, Aunt Mee-mee! I am grateful for your love and support
DeleteThe other thing to note is that sugar and fat give your brain a surge of serotonin (90% of which comes from your gut, did you know that? I just learned myself) so I'm not surprised you're feeling down! Your brain isn't getting the warm fuzzies from your diet anymore. Not that this fact makes you actually feel better, but it might help you understand your brain is chemically adjusting right now, too.
ReplyDeleteTruth! And all the chemical adjustments from not having the part of the stomach that creates the hunger chemical (it's called Grelin like gremlin) and it is what drives you to eat and helps create cravings. At least those are gone.
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