Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The path to change is never straight

A straight path is what we all crave. With no bumps or off ramps or construction delays. However, life is not a straight path. It's like those winding mountain roads I loved to travel as a child (still do). With dark corners and scary curves over precipices. There are some straight bits; with little to see or do but are comforting none the less. Sometimes, you have to change course, get off and take the long back roads. You never know what you are going to find there but you hope that you still find your way to your destination.

I have taken a major detour from my path. I have been wandering in the woods for some months now. Knowing where the road is but never wandering back to it completely. I know (logically) that I can get back on that road whenever I want to. I just haven't fully wanted to.

So in non-metaphor terms, what's really going on? I am back up to 270 pounds, my clothes are super tight and I am miserable. I feel like a total failure. Even with getting on weight watchers a few months ago, I have managed to lose 12 pounds and then gain that all back and then some. It's not that weight watchers doesn't work. I don't work. I am using food to ease my anxiety. Which, is clearly, working out like gang busters. My anxiety is only momentarily assuaged by the food. It's still there when I'm done, only slightly muted.

I know that I could go back on Medifast and lose a lot of weight again. I am tempted to do it barring the high monetary cost. However, that is also only a temporary fix. I need to do the thing I have been avoiding for years now. Getting down to the hard work of changing me. Changing my outlook and my perception of myself. I have already changed so much in the past 2 years and I try to be proud of that. Yet, it's not enough. I still feel the same about myself as I did when I started. My depression has come back into play on top of it all.

So why come back to my blog? I am going back to therapy (today actually). I am fairly certain (based on my past experiences with therapy) that there will be some writing exercises. Even though I have this blog, I have always hated writing exercises. I also hate saying positive statements to myself in the mirror. I hate them because it means I have to face my feelings. I try to stamp my feelings down or devalue them because they feel so overwhelming. It's like if I allow myself to feel those feelings, they will never stop. This is why I've come back here. This feels like a safe space for me to write and allow my feelings to be released.

If anyone is reading, welcome back to my inner monologue. It's going to be one hell of a trip.


  1. I'm reading. And I love you, even when you feel you can't love yourself. You're constantly in my thoughts and (I know you know) that I get it and am here for all those windy turns and bumps! muah!

  2. Changing your outlook and perception of yourself is the biggest key to weight loss--you have to believe in yourself and that you can do this in order to keep the weight off.

    Tony Robbins explains that a need for comfort and certainty is one of our basic human needs--so if you go home and know you can dissolve whatever issues you had during the day through eating, the need is met. However, we can get caught in an unhealthy cycle where we know what we're doing isn't helpful for weight loss, but keep doing it out of want for that comfort. Take a look at this video: http://bit.ly/MgbN9w It does a great job explaining our different needs and how those sorts of habits develop--and more importantly, how to stop the difference between what we know we should do and what we end up doing.

  3. Thank you Em! Love you too!

    Thank you Courtney! It's so true about perception. The world is made up how we see it, so I need to change how I see things.

  4. I too had mild success with WW, but you gain back everything you lose within weeks. Im glad your back, missed reading your blog!

    Erika xx