Sunday, August 1, 2010

A Look Inside...

 I haven't had the urge to write as much as I am sure you can all tell (I so love pointing out the obvious!). Perhaps it is because I am settling into the plan and it feels more like my every day life now. Perhaps it is because I find myself talking about this journey all the time(therefore I  have more outlets than just here to talk about my emotions). Normally, at this point (a month or so in) I would being to look for ways to sabotage myself. To find the excuses to have that slice of cake (and let's face it there are a MILLION reasons to have cake). To not be so careful about what I eat for my "lean and green". To setup my friends and family for my inevitable failure by shunning any compliments or not talking openly about what I am doing. However, this time, I don't think I am going to fail. I don't feel failure lurking behind corners and calling to me from pies and doughnuts.

I am happier now than I have been in such a long time( I cry as I write this). There is a joy in me that I have not felt in, God I can't even begin to say when I lost it. I finally understand what happiness is. It is not the "jump up and down" glee that I thought it was (even though those moments are awesome). It is much deeper than that. It is in the way I see the world, the way I value my life, the way I fiercely want to show everyone I love just how much they mean to me. It's in the small things too. It's keeping my apartment clean, actually doing work at work, spending time with friends (that doesn't revolve around food), marveling at art and realizing my own artistic abilities. I am coming into my own. I am o.k. to be alone. To spend an entire day just doing what I want to do with no contact. Not in a depressed " I don't want to see anyone" kind of way. Rather, in a totally selfish "I need to recharge my battery" way without feeling guilty about it.

Yet another post where I intended to just write about the fact that I am now exercising (walking and light weight feels great!) and instead something else comes pouring out.I really should stop underestimating how powerful it is to write.

1 comment:

  1. you continue to write amazing honest entries. i love reading them...
    but they are no substitute to seeing you!!! we must make a date