Friday, August 6, 2010


I am beginning to have the familiar stirrings in my heart and head..those stirrings that lead me to poor decisions & more emptiness. This stirring, however, is not about food (shocker). It's my want/desire/need to connect emotionally with someone (lets get serious I am talking about a man). I have to wonder why all of a sudden this stirring has come about so sharply in the past 2 weeks. Is it G trying to throw a distraction my way so I fall off my path? Is it that I finally feel ready to let someone in to my all too sensative heart? Is it that I finally believe I am worthy of the attention?

I am leaning towards G personally. I don't think I am ready to connect with someone new. I mean I love the thrill of the new and unexplored, the butterflies it produces and the wonderful way it seems to change the colors of the world. However, I know that I am not secure enough in who I am and what I want yet to really pursue something serious. Now that being said do I really need something serious? Can I casually do this dance? I am going to say No. I wasn't good at casual before my journey and I don't think being on it has changed that fact about me. Of course I want the attention (because who doesn't) but I have learned that  attention comes at a high price. I become a weak, pathetic version of myself that I simply loathe.

All of this doesn't change the fact that I have a longing. A day dream of meeting the man who will love me and be my partner (no prince charming's need apply I want me a real man). However, I know that relationships are hard work and right now I am taking on all the hard work I can handle. So I am hoping that this longing will die down a bit because I am not really sure how to stop it (besides stabbing it in the night)

1 comment:

  1. I can certainly understand those longings and how entertaining them more may be just "feeding that beast"... but maybe you can concentrate on being that person that you want to be. Taking care of your mind, body and spirit and then putting it in the hands of the Lord (assuming your Christian, if not, please forgive me)... then let Him direct you to that man who will be your life partner. It's so much easier for me to focus on making myself the person I hope to become, than it is for me to wish and long for things I don't have.... It's just agonizing when I think about those things I long for that are missing in my life - why torture myself?

    I can relate somewhat to your plight... I do have a great man, but my plight is pertaining to meaningful friendships and I have years of "stirrings" in that area.. I know it's not the same, but for me it's been a huge issue that I have grieved over for years. But now, I am just focussing on trying to be the best person I can, the person that God intends me to be. And if he puts kindred spirit friends in my path for me to find - than that will be a HUGE BONUS!

    Best of luck... don't give into your G thoughts... he's not on your side. :)