Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Airing of Grievances

Here are some things that I am having a wee bit of trouble with recently. I figured there wasn't a better place to talk about them than my much neglected blog (sorry everyone..I know your lives hinge on my every word hahah)

1. Feeling like an outcast. How so you ask? Food is the center of our society and when you can't "participate" it leaves me feeling like some sort of leper (minus that whole limbs falling off bit). It's hard saying No all the time. I am bit resentful of it as well. When I get to see others eating normally I am thinking " Damn you and that dip your eating!!"

2. Feeling like I have to defend the program I am on. Medifast is intense (double rainbow intense some may say) and highly restrictive. I know that everyone I talk to about my weight loss is just over the moon happy for me but when they hear that I can't eat ..oh I don't know...95% of the food available in the world...they tend to become incredulous. I understand that for most of them they are thinking "I could never do that..how are you doing that". I realize that it is in admiration that they say things like that but it can still weigh on me.

3. Not truly enjoying my success. I see how much I have lost and for some reason all I can see is how far I need to go. While I am not trying to diminish my success I also realize that my weight loss won't stay this rapid forever and I am worried that I won't ride the "wave" long enough. Which means that it will take that much longer to my goal.

Now I fully embrace and realize that this is all negative thinking of my part. It is my sensitive, whiny, dare I say it... G coming back to haunt me. The truth about weight loss (like any major life changing thing) is it's fucking hard. Not every day and it's not the plan that's hard. It's the emotions. The self doubt, the rebuilding of boundaries, trying to keep the focus on me and not finding outside people to focus on. These are my real challenges and they will continue to follow me on this journey. The more I lose the more I will uncover. Therefore, I recognize that it is ok to have bad days. It's ok to not be positive every single moment of the day. Because if I did that then I wouldn't be being honest with who I am or what I am feeling. I have spent 20-some odd years trying to stuff them down and shut them up. G will always be with me, feeding me lies, but the difference I realize now, is that I don't need to kill him. Rather I need to embrace him as part of me thus lessening his power and influence over me. Once G feels like part of the family he will be less likely to cause trouble (at least that's my theory). Tomorrow will be a day to rejoice in whatever weight loss I have but tonight was for the airing of grievances (If you don't know of Festivus you should)

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