The Airing of Grievances

Here are some things that I am having a wee bit of trouble with recently. I figured there wasn't a better place to talk about them than my much neglected blog (sorry everyone..I know your lives hinge on my every word hahah)

1. Feeling like an outcast. How so you ask? Food is the center of our society and when you can't "participate" it leaves me feeling like some sort of leper (minus that whole limbs falling off bit). It's hard saying No all the time. I am bit resentful of it as well. When I get to see others eating normally I am thinking " Damn you and that dip your eating!!"

2. Feeling like I have to defend the program I am on. Medifast is intense (double rainbow intense some may say) and highly restrictive. I know that everyone I talk to about my weight loss is just over the moon happy for me but when they hear that I can't eat ..oh I don't know...95% of the food available in the world...they tend to become incredulous. I understand that for most of them they are thinking "I could never do that..how are you doing that". I realize that it is in admiration that they say things like that but it can still weigh on me.

3. Not truly enjoying my success. I see how much I have lost and for some reason all I can see is how far I need to go. While I am not trying to diminish my success I also realize that my weight loss won't stay this rapid forever and I am worried that I won't ride the "wave" long enough. Which means that it will take that much longer to my goal.

Now I fully embrace and realize that this is all negative thinking of my part. It is my sensitive, whiny, dare I say it... G coming back to haunt me. The truth about weight loss (like any major life changing thing) is it's fucking hard. Not every day and it's not the plan that's hard. It's the emotions. The self doubt, the rebuilding of boundaries, trying to keep the focus on me and not finding outside people to focus on. These are my real challenges and they will continue to follow me on this journey. The more I lose the more I will uncover. Therefore, I recognize that it is ok to have bad days. It's ok to not be positive every single moment of the day. Because if I did that then I wouldn't be being honest with who I am or what I am feeling. I have spent 20-some odd years trying to stuff them down and shut them up. G will always be with me, feeding me lies, but the difference I realize now, is that I don't need to kill him. Rather I need to embrace him as part of me thus lessening his power and influence over me. Once G feels like part of the family he will be less likely to cause trouble (at least that's my theory). Tomorrow will be a day to rejoice in whatever weight loss I have but tonight was for the airing of grievances (If you don't know of Festivus you should)

Weigh in Wednesday!!

Hello everyone! I am sorry that I haven't been around at all this week but what's a popular girl to do! Popular and sick..never a good combo! However, I am pleased to bring you this weeks weigh in...ready???...Down another 5 pounds! This means I am a mere 4 pounds away from my 50 pound goal?? Can you freaking believe it?? I don't know where it's all going (is there a heaven or hell for fat cells?). The thrill of losing weight is something that never gets old. While my plan may have it's moments of boredom (only so much pudding one person can stand) I am never bored with how great it feels to see that scale move ever downwards. My emotions have been a bit up and down this week but I think that has more to do with being sick than anything else. So it looks like I am going to have to come up with a new set of goals here (can't believe that either!). Any suggestions??

Weigh -In Wednesday!

Good morning everyone! How are you today? Me? I am FANTASTIC!!!! Why you ask? I do believe that is because I have reached my next goal!!  That is a loss this week of 3 pounds and a grand 2 month total (can you believe it?? I can't believe how time is flying!) of 41 FREAKING POUNDS!  WooooooHoooooo! I believe it is time for another installment of "What my weight loss looks like"!! (Just as a side note I couldn't find anything that was cool enough at 41 pounds so these are 40 pounds)

How about the gold plating on this Porsche? (Gotta love those crazy Russians! Donald Trump could learn a thing or two from them!)

I have official lost a cabbage! I could win a state fair or something!

And of course, life and this blog would not be complete without a 40 pound sculpture of a Star Wars AT-AT made entirely of Bacon!!

Onward to face my day with a smile on my face! Hope you will all do the same!

Let Me Hear Your Body Talk...

I have always heard about people who said that their body talked to them (insert sideways glance here). I thought mine did too, telling me to have that extra slice of cake or saying "Of course you should have bacon with that don't be ridiculous!". Lies people, dirty, dirty lies! That wasn't my body at all, it was that slimy underhanded G (I will give it to him he is good at his job). I never knew the distinction between hunger and want, need vs. greed. I thought I knew my body. I could not have been more wrong. I have put my body in a corner and ignored it for the past 20 odd years. Now though, you can't shut it up! It is always telling me things even when I don't want to listen. I now know what hunger feels like. I know the difference between G wanting something and my body wanting something.

The most startling example of this shift came yesterday. I was woken up at 8am on a Sunday by none other than body herself (believe you me I was pissed at her but I can't argue..she wouldn't listen anyway). My brain ( I can't say G since I don't think it was him this time) was thinking "ok get up and do what you need to but then we are going straight back to bed". Ha ha ha..if only. I climbed back into bed only to lay there for 5 minutes until I heard a voice saying "I want to go for a walk". Ummm what the fuck? Excuse me it is 8 am on a Sunday, isn't there some sort of law against that? "I want to go for a walk". Simple, to the point and relentless. That phrase rattled on until I could no longer take it and I got up, put on my kicks and headed out for a mile walk. Shock and awe people, shock and awe. My brain was pissed but my body had taken over, she was running the show. Eventually though, my brain caught up and enjoyed itself. Let me tell you, my body is one smart lady. Not only did I feel great after my walk,I felt like I had accomplished something for my day. I was now free to enjoy the lovely day I had planned knowing that I did something just for me. While it may take my brain more time to ease into this transition of letting my body have a voice, I am looking forward to it. My body seems to be quite smart and not so driven by emotion as simple need. This is the dawning of the age of my body (forget that Aquarius dude he was bad news anyway). 

Of course I couldn't leave this post without addressing the fact that I used an Olivia Newton John lyric as my title..I know you are all singing it in your head anyway so I thought I would help you out (the red head rockin the stach is my favorite! hehe)

Weigh In Wednesday!!!

Welcome to another installment of Weigh In Wednesday everyone! I am happy to announce that I am down another 5 pounds!! Which means that I am only 2 pounds away from 40 pounds lost!! Here are some things I am beginning to see with 38 pounds gone forever! :


1. My energy level is finally up!! I actually have a hard time sitting still (which is seriously cutting into my television watching but that's not such a bad thing)

2. I can no longer wear my former favorite pair of jeans (While there are some who might want to see my pants around my ankles I don't think the general public would appreciate it)

3. I walk taller (which is a hard feat for a 5'4 lady)

4. It is easier for me to concentrate and remember things (I have no scientific proof that this is linked to my diet change but I have no other reason for it)

5. I don't wake up several times a night anymore (however my dreams are not as crazy which I kind of miss)

The best part of all is that I am finally plugged into my life. I am present and accountable and taking each day in stride. I finally feel like an independent woman with purpose. I think I am becoming a better friend (I know highly presumptuous of me but let me know if I am wrong) a better daughter and better sister all because I am becoming a better me. Alright..that's enough sap from me (besides it's high in calories & sugar!). Hope everyone has a great day!

Hey There Good Lookin!

I finally got around to giving myself my reward for losing 30 pounds(a new haircut in case you don't know)! May I present the new and improved Lynne (you may begin clapping now!)...

I am so incredibly happy with it!! And um can you say hi  no more huge double chin! I mean I still have more "underchin" (new word..I may or may  not add it to the lynictionary(Lynne + Dictionary)...also another new word!) than I would like but this picture makes me so happy! My cheeks no longer get in the way of my eyes when I smile!! Hurray!

Also for your viewing pleasure is a comparison of my old profile picture and the new haircut pic. Can you see the changes?? I can :)

Stirrings..

I am beginning to have the familiar stirrings in my heart and head..those stirrings that lead me to poor decisions & more emptiness. This stirring, however, is not about food (shocker). It's my want/desire/need to connect emotionally with someone (lets get serious I am talking about a man). I have to wonder why all of a sudden this stirring has come about so sharply in the past 2 weeks. Is it G trying to throw a distraction my way so I fall off my path? Is it that I finally feel ready to let someone in to my all too sensative heart? Is it that I finally believe I am worthy of the attention?

I am leaning towards G personally. I don't think I am ready to connect with someone new. I mean I love the thrill of the new and unexplored, the butterflies it produces and the wonderful way it seems to change the colors of the world. However, I know that I am not secure enough in who I am and what I want yet to really pursue something serious. Now that being said do I really need something serious? Can I casually do this dance? I am going to say No. I wasn't good at casual before my journey and I don't think being on it has changed that fact about me. Of course I want the attention (because who doesn't) but I have learned that  attention comes at a high price. I become a weak, pathetic version of myself that I simply loathe.

All of this doesn't change the fact that I have a longing. A day dream of meeting the man who will love me and be my partner (no prince charming's need apply I want me a real man). However, I know that relationships are hard work and right now I am taking on all the hard work I can handle. So I am hoping that this longing will die down a bit because I am not really sure how to stop it (besides stabbing it in the night)

Weigh In Wednesday!!

I sadly do not have spectacular news to share this Wednesday. Only down 1 pound which is a slight kick in the gut. It was bound to happen but I guess the only solace is that it is still in the right direction (who knew down could be a good direction?). I am not sure what the cause is but I have a few (albeit outlandish) ideas...

1. It's a conspiracy against me by the fast food companies (That Wendy girl can be a straight up bitch!) to lure me back to their side...their dark, deep fried, convenient side (I shan't go I tell ya!)

2. My ass is perfectly happy at the size it is and is staging a protest with my flabby arms and stomach to be accepted just the way it is (Evidently my ass is a hippie...at least it doesn't reek of patchouli!)

3. Local farmers can't keep up with my consumption of vegetables so they are adding hidden carbs and fat to my leafy greens.

4. My neighbors are tired of hearing my Magic Bullet at 8am so they have broken in and tampered with my Medifast meals (I would at least kind of understand this..I can't stand the MB at 8am myself!)

However, more likely, it is just my body playing games again. I had my "visitor" (there has got to be a classier way to say that) which was a doozie this time around (pain killers would have been awesome!) so that might have something to do with it. I  know I haven't been getting in as much water as I have in the past. I have increased my activity level, which on this plan could be working against me. So back to my 100 oz of water a day and maybe going one less block on my walks.

A Look Inside...

 I haven't had the urge to write as much as I am sure you can all tell (I so love pointing out the obvious!). Perhaps it is because I am settling into the plan and it feels more like my every day life now. Perhaps it is because I find myself talking about this journey all the time(therefore I  have more outlets than just here to talk about my emotions). Normally, at this point (a month or so in) I would being to look for ways to sabotage myself. To find the excuses to have that slice of cake (and let's face it there are a MILLION reasons to have cake). To not be so careful about what I eat for my "lean and green". To setup my friends and family for my inevitable failure by shunning any compliments or not talking openly about what I am doing. However, this time, I don't think I am going to fail. I don't feel failure lurking behind corners and calling to me from pies and doughnuts.

I am happier now than I have been in such a long time( I cry as I write this). There is a joy in me that I have not felt in, God I can't even begin to say when I lost it. I finally understand what happiness is. It is not the "jump up and down" glee that I thought it was (even though those moments are awesome). It is much deeper than that. It is in the way I see the world, the way I value my life, the way I fiercely want to show everyone I love just how much they mean to me. It's in the small things too. It's keeping my apartment clean, actually doing work at work, spending time with friends (that doesn't revolve around food), marveling at art and realizing my own artistic abilities. I am coming into my own. I am o.k. to be alone. To spend an entire day just doing what I want to do with no contact. Not in a depressed " I don't want to see anyone" kind of way. Rather, in a totally selfish "I need to recharge my battery" way without feeling guilty about it.

Yet another post where I intended to just write about the fact that I am now exercising (walking and light weight lifting...it feels great!) and instead something else comes pouring out.I really should stop underestimating how powerful it is to write.