One of the things I dislike most about myself is my ardent aversion to change. Now I am not saying I am any different from most people in not liking change. However, when faced with change, that is not of my own making, I am not the best version of myself. I would liken it to a mother bear protecting her cubs. I am fierce, harsh, judgmental and ANGRY. Angry beyond words really. I feel the anger rise in me like a tide and I can only image what the look in my eyes is (something similar to this I fear). Other than my weight, it is the number one thing I want to change (ironic huh) about myself. I try to do my best to remain open to new ideas and not become this biting, angry person but it always shows up. I am getting better at apologizing though (small steps).
For example, at work today we were discussing a new way to file (I know world altering stuff here people!!). This is on the heels of other major changes (which I finally acquiesced to a few weeks ago after months of pushing) that will make my job that much harder. By harder I mean, take me off auto pilot and make me have to pay a lot more attention. I should see this as the challenge I have been begging for. However, because it is something that I didn't come up with (evidently I am an ego maniac) I will fight tooth & nail against it. Instead of looking at this new trivial detail objectively I became difficult and argued over it. When I took a moment though, I manned up and apologized for my behavior. I am very lucky that I work with people who don't take my outbursts personally. I am even luckier that they have never gotten me fired (I guess I make up for it for being awesome the rest of the time).
I know it is based on anxiety about the unknown but I wish I wasn't so scared of it. I wish that I was fearless. I wish so many things (mainly for a great house, no debt and a man who loves me) but if this journey is teaching me anything it's that nothing comes easy. You can't wish for change and stop there. The wish is the first step, action is the next. So how do I change hating change? For now it will be to try and stay aware of my reactions and try to breathe deep before I dive off the deep end. I don't want this to always be a part of who I am but I am going to accept that it is part of who I am now. I will continue to apologize for any out of line behavior and hope to be forgiven. I will also continue to look for new ways to handle it all. How do any of you deal with change?
Hi Lynne...just checking if you got my comment...this is all new to me! By the way, Nora told me that you responded to my last comment, but I have no idea where to find it!!
ReplyDeleteDear Lynne,
ReplyDeleteI think that losing the weight will help you with your anger, control issues and ultimately change. The food is connected to feelings as you probably already know so I think you're going to start feeling things that may feel new to you and thats very exciting! The blog is great!
I love this post! I came here because we're both featured on WIDTH @ Jack's & I wanted to say hi, but I didn't expect to find a kindred spirit.
ReplyDeleteChange is hard. Really hard.
I read a book recently (on my to-blog-about list, but I havent gotten to it yet) called "Switch" which is all about change & how we can make it easier on ourselves. You might find it interesting (I did).
My top weight was 250+ and I've maintained (sort of) in the 190 range for about 7 years, and I have found that finding a way to make THAT change has made me able to handle many other changes in my life (and opened me up enough that I did find that 'man who loves me')
Best of luck on your journey
Hi Lynne!! I found you blog! :) Woo Hoo!
ReplyDeleteYou are insightful to recognize your anger issues and even want to change.... that is the first HUGE step, and I agree with you that it starts with your thoughts and the way that you think. That is my problem too, is what I'm thinking... and then it leads to wrong assumptions, feelings of sorrow and betrayal, and anger. My husband keeps telling me that my thoughts and feelings aren't facts and I can briefly acknowledge them, and then let them go and move on.
A book that has really helped me with my THINKING is: The 4:8 Principle by Tommy Newberry. I show this book on the sidebar of my blog. I still have quotes from that book all over my room to just remind me. Like here are some of my favs that relate to me - and I read these daily:
"Do my words emphasize my blessings or my worries?",
"Extinguish negative thinking by NOT feeding it. Refuse to nourish negative thoughts or give them any attention."
"ALWAYS give the other person the benefit of the doubt."
"How would the FUTURE ME respond? Imagine myself with the habits I would have if I were already living my best life."
"Whatever I dwell on becomes increasingly prominent on m own mind. I will always feel what I dwell on. Whatever I focus on, I am going to experience."
[that really helps me realize that I don't want to experience the negative, so I need to let it go in my thoughts and focus on all the positives around me]
Disciplining our thoughts is hard work but I am convinced that it's what I need to do to be happier and become that person I want to be.
You are on the right path and sound like a strong woman! I am excited to follow your progress on you blog!! :)
~Margene