One of the things I dislike most about myself is my ardent aversion to change. Now I am not saying I am any different from most people in not liking change. However, when faced with change, that is not of my own making, I am not the best version of myself. I would liken it to a mother bear protecting her cubs. I am fierce, harsh, judgmental and ANGRY. Angry beyond words really. I feel the anger rise in me like a tide and I can only image what the look in my eyes is (something similar to this I fear). Other than my weight, it is the number one thing I want to change (ironic huh) about myself. I try to do my best to remain open to new ideas and not become this biting, angry person but it always shows up. I am getting better at apologizing though (small steps).
For example, at work today we were discussing a new way to file (I know world altering stuff here people!!). This is on the heels of other major changes (which I finally acquiesced to a few weeks ago after months of pushing) that will make my job that much harder. By harder I mean, take me off auto pilot and make me have to pay a lot more attention. I should see this as the challenge I have been begging for. However, because it is something that I didn't come up with (evidently I am an ego maniac) I will fight tooth & nail against it. Instead of looking at this new trivial detail objectively I became difficult and argued over it. When I took a moment though, I manned up and apologized for my behavior. I am very lucky that I work with people who don't take my outbursts personally. I am even luckier that they have never gotten me fired (I guess I make up for it for being awesome the rest of the time).
I know it is based on anxiety about the unknown but I wish I wasn't so scared of it. I wish that I was fearless. I wish so many things (mainly for a great house, no debt and a man who loves me) but if this journey is teaching me anything it's that nothing comes easy. You can't wish for change and stop there. The wish is the first step, action is the next. So how do I change hating change? For now it will be to try and stay aware of my reactions and try to breathe deep before I dive off the deep end. I don't want this to always be a part of who I am but I am going to accept that it is part of who I am now. I will continue to apologize for any out of line behavior and hope to be forgiven. I will also continue to look for new ways to handle it all. How do any of you deal with change?