Weigh In Wednesday!

Is it Wednesday already? Alas the calendar in my office tells me that it is. Not a bad day though. I am down 1.2 pounds. I had originally wanted to say 2 pounds but the scale read 221.8 today. Therefore I can't really say I lost 2 pounds (damn you integrity!). I am happy that I didn't gain and even happier that I lost something along the way. I am still trying to figure out the path forward. It is sure to be a bumpy road. However, I have learned that this is a marathon not a sprint. I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life. Now that I have lost 158.2 pounds, I know that I can lose the remaining 60 to 80 pounds. I know it won't be as fast if I choose to not go the Medifast route. Does it need to be fast though? Or should I learn to deal with food instead of bypassing my addiction? Pondering shall continue....

Where Do I Go From Here?

Lately, I have been thinking (and over thinking) about where I am. My focus is shot to pieces to be perfectly frank. I have a lot on my plate (just so you know I wrote that as potato..can you tell where my mind is??). I am not sure where my will power and strength have gone but they are officially in hiding. For the first time in a long time I am genuinely scared to weigh in. I am afraid that the scale will show me as the epic failure I feel I am. Why such a harsh judgment on myself you ask? Because that is (unfortunately) how I roll. I have always been hard on myself. I have never seen the good things I have done but rather always focus on what I haven't done. For those of you not new to my blog I am sure that is ABUNDANTLY clear.

I am not sure where to go from here. I am not sure what the path forward should be. I know I don't want to give up (no matter what that damn gollum says). I also don't know what I want the next stage of this journey to look like. I have really really enjoyed getting to eat with my friends and family lately. I also know that I have enjoyed myself too much. I loosen up the reins and I immediately start to fall back into some old patterns. I am doing things to counterbalance my poor choices (such as exercising at least 4 days a week). However, the realization that my relationship with food is almost as bad as it was a year ago is deeply upsetting. It is things like this that make me feel like a failure. Yes, I have lost 155 pounds (give or take). Yes, I am healthier and happier than I was. Can I keep it up though? I am always going to want to make poor choices. I will always want dessert, french fries, junk food. I will always have to fight the urge to use food as an emotional crutch.

Perhaps it is that, knowing that this battle of making good choices, will always be my burden to bear, that has me so confused. Maybe I really did think that once I lost weight it would change how I feel about food. Funny story. It did not. Having this year off from food, was a good thing. It allowed me to lose a large amount of weight and get me moving again. However, it did not address how I am going to live in a food world once I was done.

My main questions to myself are:
1. Should I go back to Medifast 100%
2. Can I go back?
3. If not, then what am I doing?

As of right now, I have no answer. I have to get past the shame and disappointment I feel for not being 100% on plan anymore. I have to allow myself to see that changing the plan doesn't mean failure but just that..a change. Oy vey people...oy vey.

Weigh In Wednesday

Yet another busy day here at Camp Lynne! I am sure you can tell that lately I have not only been unfocused but my work load has increased. It is quite the situation I find myself in. So much to do and so little brain to do it with. I'm not saying I'm not smart (my modesty just won't allow me to lie!). Rather it is that I have a finite amount of concentration. Once I use that up for the day you may as well just push me in front of the tv and throw a bib on me for the drool cuz that's about all I'm good for. However, this week will allow me the very much needed down time to catch up and recharge my batteries. Don't get me wrong, it's great having plans and things to do, just not all the time. We all need time to sit and think and I finally get to have some of that time to work out the next step in my journey (even though I am sick of that word thanks to the Bachelorette). 

Before I leave you for another all day conference (hence the early morning writing session) I should probably tell you what you really came here for huh? I am down 3 pounds (which is a shock to say the least). Insert happy dance here...you know what..why not..let's do it!!

Happy Wednesday Everyone! May your day been filled with this level of happiness ;)

Weigh In Wednesday

Since I know there would be an uprising in the streets (seriously..like riot gear needed and everything) if I didn't post today, I am here. I don't have much time so it's very short..no loss, no gain. I am not sure where my heads at but it's not focused on weight loss I can tell you that. I think I might need to come up with a new strategy. I have to realize that my life now is not the life I had a year ago. If I keep trying to do the same things I was doing but the situation is totally different, am I not the definition of insanity? More on that subject another time..for now it's off to a mandatory office retreat (can't you just feel the excitement???).

Weigh In Wednesday

I figured I might as well bite the bullet and get this post over with. I gained 6 pounds. It's amazing how one weekend of eating off plan can shoot my weight through the roof. I have undone all the work of the past 2 weeks in ONE weekend.  I know that it won't stay around forever (maybe not even through to next week fingers crossed). As you all know I am struggling (big time) with staying on plan on my weekend excursions. It's just such a great excuse to go off plan and eat foods that I haven't in forever. I don't regret the foods I ate this weekend. My amazing friend Fran made us a seriously gourmet meal and I wouldn't trade that in for anything. I would, however, like to go back and make smarter choices. It's like once I allow myself to eat off plan for the weekend, all hell breaks lose. I still don't know how to control myself around food or make smart choices. Smart choices are boring. Smart choices don't make me feel good (in the moment). There are times that I miss being able to eat whatever I want.

All that being said though, I wouldn't want to go back to how things used to be. While I am struggling, maybe a little overwhelmed and down on myself, I am overall MUCH happier (and healthier) than I was. I have made a bargain with myself. Get through the month of July as best I can, then starting in August it's back to 100% on plan. Rather than continue to beat myself up I am going to set myself up for success. I am not going to go haywire in July or anything, just taking some of the pressure off myself. Not sure how that will work but we shall see.

Weigh In Wednesday!

Good morrow all my lovely friends out there! I know, I am actually posting this before Noon (aren't you just tickled pink??). I bring with me news of 2 pounds lost (at first I thought it was 3 pounds but then I realize I forgot what I weighed last week..it's hard keeping track!). You know what that means don't you??? I am officially down 161 pounds and under 220 pounds for the first time in decades!! I am a mere 20 pounds away from being under 200! To me that is like going to Disney world all over again! It means that I officially get to be in the overweight category instead of the obese. Not to mention it will be the first time since I was a teenager that the scale starts with the number 1 (Booyahhh!!). It is all very exciting. I know that my weight loss will most likely look this way for the rest of my journey (losing between 2 to 4 pounds a week depending). I am getting better with seeing the smaller numbers, especially since I know I earned each pound. Working out feels amazing and is worth the possible cause of slowing down my weight loss. It means that I am getting healthier not just smaller.

This also means something else very exciting...another installment of "What does it look like??". I have to say I enjoy doing these posts almost as much as I enjoy losing the weight itself!



I lost this preserved Pope (nothing says respect like a light up casket..am I right??/)



I lost the metal base to this table (I am picturing this on the set of Miami Vice)

Another reason to love Google...this image comes up for 160 pounds...why? God only knows.

And just so I can ruin your breakfast I lost Rapper 50 Cent when he was trying to start his legitimate acting career by losing 40 pounds (see how well that turned out)

I hope you all have a great day! Yogatone tonight (let's hope I don't have the hyped up version of Jill Zarin (from Real Housewives of NY) as an instructor again!)

Weigh In Wednesday

Why hello there! Fancy seeing you here...oh you came to see if I updated my blog yet? Good news person reading this..I am here to update you! I am down 4 pounds this week..which means I am 1 pound away from another installment of "What does it look like?" ( I know your brimming with excitement aren't you!). Not to mention I will have a new number under my belt (160 pounds lost) and I will 21 pounds away from being under 200 pounds. Major milestones are coming folks!

As many of you saw last week, I am really struggling to stay focused as of late. It's still a daily challenge. In every way it's harder then when I first started. There are so many more distractions and "reasons" not to eat well. The biggest reason being my anxiety and not knowing how to deal with it. My biggest fear is being realized. That without food  I would not be able to handle my feelings. However, in realizing this I have already fought half the battle. I know (rationally) that I am stronger than the anxiety in my head. I just need to learn new ways to deal with it that doesn't involve a gallon of ice cream. That pesky voice in my head (Gollum as I like to call him)  is very sad to hear this. It doesn't want to grow up and be responsible. It wants it's freedom back to reek havoc on my life. Oh little Gollum, don't be silly now. I'm not letting that happen again...remember what happened last time I let you do that?

Ohhhh right...yeah...that smile..a total fake. Now this smile....

100% genuine..and I would like to keep it that way. It's not about  my body, it's about how I treat myself now. I know I need help (no shame in that) to keep Gollum at bay. I am looking into finding someone to talk to. Just another step in the right direction. It's the harder path but it will make things easier in the long run.