Musing on a Monday

Shock and Awe people I am actually writing something (other than a WIW of course)!  I figured it was time to update on more than just the weight loss and talk about some of the mental things that have been going on for me. For the first time in 7 months I am feeling the urge to go off plan. Not because I am bored or unhappy with my food. Rather it is more due to how tough it can be to live a "normal" life while on this plan. It is incredibly hard to be on the outside of the rest of the food eating world. It is only recently that it has become harder. The holidays were a challenge for sure (as it is for millions of other people). The cakes and pies in particular were the hardest. In my mind there is little difference between truly celebrating and a piece of cake. Case in point..I went to a wedding on Friday and when they placed that piece of wedding cake in front of me I almost broke. It was staring at me, taunting me, saying "come on Lynne...its a celebration..it's bad luck to not eat some one's wedding cake". Yes folks my brain made up a total lie (it is really good at that!). I was able to push the cake into the middle of the table and forget about it but it was a true test of my will power.

Then there is the always present problem with eating out. I want to be able to join in, to enjoy the same food as someone else and get that same glazed over happy look on my face as the person I am eating with. It is particularly hard when you are with someone who really loves good food. If I were on a different plan then I feel as though I could take a day off every now and again, to participate in things like that and get right back to my good habits the very next day. However, on Medifast, I would go through some fun withdrawal symptoms the next day that I want to avoid like the plague. Not to mention I am still about 120 pounds away from my goal. I worry that if I step off my plan it will be a slippery slope. All of a sudden a once in a while off plan day will turn into a week, then a month and so on. These facts are able to firm up my resolve for the time being but I hope they can hold.

I don't think I have quite mastered the idea of changing my eating habits forever. I have an excellent foundation but the question is, when I am done with this plan, how am I going to handle it? I know it is some time away but I think it's time I start forming a plan. There will always be a part of me that sees food as a reward (and for someone who is addicted to instant gratification it is the easiest reward to give myself). I had said in a post a few months ago that my life lesson is to learn patience. It is an ongoing process, and while i give myself kudos for having more of it I know that I am far from  where I want to be. How does one shut off their instincts? How does one make their brain stop running a mile a minute looking for the next step? I am guessing it is a gradual process and (here comes the irony folks) I have to be patient and know that change comes slowly (especially to me, the girl who fears change more than she fears birds). I am even frustrated reading that.

So there is the current status of my mental health. Happy in a lot of ways but also recognizing the challenges I have to face.