Good Morrow all my faithful Lynninites(catchy huh?). Weigh in Wednesday is brought to you today by the letter P (for Protein) and the number 2. As in I lost 2 pounds this week. Better than nothing right? I know what you will all say "Come on Lynne, that's still great! A loss is a loss". I know your right but as you all know I tend to beat myself up a lot (its actually very annoying but I can't seem to get rid of it).
Last night I gave myself some time to ponder over the question "Why". As in.."why do I not value myself" or "why do I think of myself as weak" or the ever present "why can't I look in the mirror without seeing my faults"?. The answer is lack of self esteem. I have anywhere from 0 to 40 on a scale of 100 (depending on the situation I am in). I am fully aware of how other's perceive me (in fact I am hyper aware since this is the only way I seem to feel worth..is through others) however, I do not (or cannot) seem to have faith in what they say. I know people find it really hard to believe the things I think about myself because I do have a strong personality (once you get to know me). The truth is, it's an act. It's a well crafted facade that has served me well over the years. I do not believe in it one bit. I am wee bit of a charlatan (carpet bagger of the soul if you will).
This is what I need/want/have to change about myself. That last post about finding a hobby made me realize I don't need a hobby...I need me. While I think that the elements of finding a hobby will be essential in my gaining self confidence, it won't be the hobby that will make me different, it will be challenging myself to face my fears. Fear of rejection and failure ( I think the fear of birds will be staying in tact though). I need to stop seeking ques from others that I am doing well. I need to tell myself that (which feels about as comfortable as jabbing needles in my eyes).
My question is how do I do this? Is it through daily affirmations (which feel completely ridiculous to me but perhaps that is a sign that I should do them since I clearly have no clue what I am doing)?. Do I go back to therapy? Do I join a support group (which I have my misgivings about for several reasons)? Do I pick up a bunch of self-help books and go through them one lesson at a time? I don't know where to start but I need to just pick something and do it. I need to do my homework in whatever thing I decide to do. Therapy was always helpful to a point, until it came to actually doing things (like keeping a journal, doing writing exercises or affirmations).
If only my stubbornness could be directed towards good (since it only seems to be directed at things that might help me). If I were as pig headed about positive goals as I seem to be about my own demise then I could truly be unstoppable! That's the new goal then people. To shift the focus and move away from destruction and towards repair. Perhaps I will start off slow, by listening to this song every day and letting the message seep in. What do you think?