Weigh In Wednesday

It's back kids..Weigh In Wednesday! As always with the first week there was a nice drop in my weight...no big deal..yeah you know..just 18 pounds. I swear to god I am not making this stuff up. Last week my scale screamed 238 at me (it's pretty obnoxious). This morning it somewhat incredulously said 220. Is it really possible to retain 18 pounds of water weight?I have such a hard time with these numbers sometimes. I can't image gaining 22 pounds in 3 weeks as much as I can't believe losing 18 in a week.

My energy levels aren't quite back up to where they were (I mourn their loss most of all). I know that it will take some time (as it took almost 7 months of weight loss to get them the first time). Budget wise I don't know if a gym is do able at this time. That doesn't mean I can't take advantage of the resources I have at home (looks like fitness video's are gonna make a comeback at my apartment!) . One way or the other I am doing my best to stay focused. It's never going to be perfect.

Forgiveness Friday

Forgiveness..something I can easily give to others but rarely( if ever) to myself. However, dear friends and readers..I am giving myself some forgiveness. For falling so far off my path that I am worried I won't be able to find my way back. For not keeping up with this blog in a way that is helpful to me and hopefully entertaining to you. For losing sight of my goals.

We all have times like these. Where living in the moment takes away from the future plans we have. I don't regret any of it for a minute though (well maybe eating nothing but fried food one day which resulted in laying on the bathroom floor for a few hours...I regret that). I allowed myself to indulge and in the process learned a lot about myself. I know that while in the moment it felt amazing to eat the lobster tail pastry so jammed full of whipped cream and custard that I am pretty sure my eyes rolled back in my head several times...........Sorry, I got lost there for a moment..where was I..Oh yes. SO while I enjoyed experiences like that I have gained back 22 pounds in the process. In no way did I intend for that to happen but I did nothing to prevent it either. I have been beating myself up for a day or two now..but realized quickly that it doesn't make it better. I did what I did and I forgive myself. Now it's time to refocus and not allow myself to get off track for a while. The holidays are coming up quick. I want to be as focused as I was last year. I want to feel energized again.

Starting as of yesterday, I am back on Medifast. I am currently at 238 pounds. I am going to focus on that lovely number of 199. I would love to see that number (or less) by Christmas.

Hey...

*peeks head around the corner* Hi..*comes around the corner* It's been a little while. While today is a Wednesday I don't have any weight news to share. Why? Because I didn't get on the scale today. I decided that it was better to leave what I already know (I've gained weight) unsaid. By stepping on that scale to confirm these thoughts I was worried that a shame spiral of epic proportions would start. Not that I don't feel shameful for not getting on the scale but it is on a much smaller scale. So what's up with me? Not too sure. I know that I am being unreasonable, insanely tough on myself and in general pretty pessimistic about my life.

I am going to take the advice of my amazing friend, Nora and not be so tough on myself. I am always harder on me than anyone else. In an effort to not just totally shut down and go into a dark place, I am taking some pressure off myself. By not weighing in this week I took the pressure of performance and meeting the expectations of others off myself. Are these made up expectations? Perhaps but they are real to me. We all go through times of self doubt and questions of self worth. Mine seems to be now. I know I will emerge on the other side. In the meantime, I am going to keep trying to write and work though what is causing these feelings. Who knows what I might find...