Where oh where have I been?

Howdy, folks. Sorry, it's Lynne, remember me? The lady who said she was going to keep a blog of her "journey" but then remembered how hard it is to write one on a regular basis so she kind of bailed. Well, I am back and ready to thrill you with the roller coaster of emotions that you have come to know and love.

I will start off with the total weight loss (since ,let's get serious, that's what your here for). I am down 82 pounds total. Not where I want to be. I should be at at least 100 lbs at this point. For someone my weight I should be losing 20 lbs a month. I have been losing and gaining the same 5 pounds for 5 weeks straight. It is beyond frustrating but I can't say I don't know why. My old nemesis food has been showing up in all of it's various delicious forms again. I wish that my sleeve restricted me from certain foods but alas, it is super welcoming & friendly to everyone.

The only thing I can say is that sugar does seem to give me a bit of a headache and bread and pasta don't sit as well. Otherwise, all bets are off. I also don't seem to have as much restriction in how much I eat. It is most certainly less than what I was eating before surgery but way more than 2 months ago. The harsh truth about this surgery is coming to the forefront. I will have to diet for the rest of my life. And that, my friends, is fucking depressing. I thought this surgery would take away my hunger, make me only able to consume small amounts of food and turn my stomach to many of my favorite food groups. That is not my case. Therefore I am back at square one. Weighing and measuring and tracking my foods. I just can't handle it. I feel like an utter failure and like giving up because why bother? This will be just like any other diet I have tried and failed over my lifetime but with more doctors visits.
That is what my pessimistic inner voice likes to tell me. However, I am not giving up. Despite the overwhelming urge to just say "Fuck It", I won't be doing that. I refuse to have had surgery for "nothing". I can't say it's been for nothing since I am now Diabetes free (a reformed diabetic? I don't know the right term). I think it's time for me to find a therapist who works with food addicts. I have a wonderful therapist but it isn't her specialty. The truth is food no longer does what it used to for me. It doesn't fill the void or give me that endorphin rush like it used to. That doesn't stop me from trying to get it back though.
I never thought that 5 pounds would send me off the deep end. Yet here we are, treading water in the sea of self doubt and self inflicted misery. Change is a bitch and she is taking me on one hell of a ride. I see all of these women in these online support groups, loving life and losing weight left right and center but no one seems to talk about the struggle. They just say how much they love their tool and how magical and perfect life is.

Maybe one day I will be like them. Touting how amazing life is and how "blessed" I am but that day

ain't today folks. I am struggling and am so tired of the fight but fight on I shall.