Where oh where have I been?

Howdy, folks. Sorry, it's Lynne, remember me? The lady who said she was going to keep a blog of her "journey" but then remembered how hard it is to write one on a regular basis so she kind of bailed. Well, I am back and ready to thrill you with the roller coaster of emotions that you have come to know and love.

I will start off with the total weight loss (since ,let's get serious, that's what your here for). I am down 82 pounds total. Not where I want to be. I should be at at least 100 lbs at this point. For someone my weight I should be losing 20 lbs a month. I have been losing and gaining the same 5 pounds for 5 weeks straight. It is beyond frustrating but I can't say I don't know why. My old nemesis food has been showing up in all of it's various delicious forms again. I wish that my sleeve restricted me from certain foods but alas, it is super welcoming & friendly to everyone.

The only thing I can say is that sugar does seem to give me a bit of a headache and bread and pasta don't sit as well. Otherwise, all bets are off. I also don't seem to have as much restriction in how much I eat. It is most certainly less than what I was eating before surgery but way more than 2 months ago. The harsh truth about this surgery is coming to the forefront. I will have to diet for the rest of my life. And that, my friends, is fucking depressing. I thought this surgery would take away my hunger, make me only able to consume small amounts of food and turn my stomach to many of my favorite food groups. That is not my case. Therefore I am back at square one. Weighing and measuring and tracking my foods. I just can't handle it. I feel like an utter failure and like giving up because why bother? This will be just like any other diet I have tried and failed over my lifetime but with more doctors visits.
That is what my pessimistic inner voice likes to tell me. However, I am not giving up. Despite the overwhelming urge to just say "Fuck It", I won't be doing that. I refuse to have had surgery for "nothing". I can't say it's been for nothing since I am now Diabetes free (a reformed diabetic? I don't know the right term). I think it's time for me to find a therapist who works with food addicts. I have a wonderful therapist but it isn't her specialty. The truth is food no longer does what it used to for me. It doesn't fill the void or give me that endorphin rush like it used to. That doesn't stop me from trying to get it back though.
I never thought that 5 pounds would send me off the deep end. Yet here we are, treading water in the sea of self doubt and self inflicted misery. Change is a bitch and she is taking me on one hell of a ride. I see all of these women in these online support groups, loving life and losing weight left right and center but no one seems to talk about the struggle. They just say how much they love their tool and how magical and perfect life is.

Maybe one day I will be like them. Touting how amazing life is and how "blessed" I am but that day

ain't today folks. I am struggling and am so tired of the fight but fight on I shall. 

Another Year Over...

Welcome to 2018,everyone! I hope you all have had a magical and wonderful holiday season. Mine was quite full and happy. Lovely times were had with friends and family and celebrations abounded. I loved getting to spend quality time with my family and Brian's. I love being an Aunt and personally speaking, I think my niece and nephews are the best!

The hardest part of the Holidays is the same for me as it is for everyone else.

 

I love me some desserts and the holidays are just jam packed with sweet treats. Not to mention most of them are free, and let's be honest who doesn't love free food? Even though I can now eat about 1/4 or less than what I used to eat, all bets were off on the what I was eating. I still focused on protein most of the time but I did eat lots of cookies, crackers with dip and various assorted other carbs. Carbs glorious carbs. I have to say that most of the things I ate went down without an issue. I did discover that bagels are no longer my friend (which is like a dagger to my Long Islander heart). Two bites and I immediately get flushed and felt sick for a few hours. In other words, a great time!

I have found, as per usual, the mental part of this whole "journey" is the hardest part. I get full on very little but I find that utterly depressing. Eating sugar and carbs releases serotonin and boy do I miss it!

It's not that I didn't know I was a food addict or have an unhealthy relationship with food, I just didn't realize how deep this would go. Eating one cookie is nice but not nearly as amazing as it feels to eat as many as you can handle. I am learning how to deal with that disappointment but it's not always easy. I am also someone who has always indulged whatever food fantasy of the day I was having. Impulse control is something I struggle with as someone with ADD. It's not easy for anyone to ignore their whims of fancy but when you throw ADD (also known as shiny object syndrome) it makes it that much harder. We all have our hurdles and these are just some of mine.

On to the better side of this whole surgery thing...the weight loss. A lot of people ask me if I feel any different but honestly, not really. Yes some things are easier, like I can easily bend over to tie my shoe, I can fit into more types of seats, I can walk up stairs a little better. Minor but not insignificant. I am pleased to say that I am not yet 3 months out from surgery and I am down 70 pounds (20 lbs before surgery and 50 after). Let's do one of my favorite things, shall we? 

                                               What Does It Look Like???

                                                                   That's a lot of balls, folks!

                                    I've lost this Darth Vader Kettle Bell (how bad ass is that thing?)

                            I've lost this angry-ass Dinosaur looking mother-fucker (the turtle not the dude)

                                                       I've lost the world's largest Atlas!

I hope you have enjoyed my latest ramblings. Until next time!