Hey...

*peeks head around the corner* Hi..*comes around the corner* It's been a little while. While today is a Wednesday I don't have any weight news to share. Why? Because I didn't get on the scale today. I decided that it was better to leave what I already know (I've gained weight) unsaid. By stepping on that scale to confirm these thoughts I was worried that a shame spiral of epic proportions would start. Not that I don't feel shameful for not getting on the scale but it is on a much smaller scale. So what's up with me? Not too sure. I know that I am being unreasonable, insanely tough on myself and in general pretty pessimistic about my life.

I am going to take the advice of my amazing friend, Nora and not be so tough on myself. I am always harder on me than anyone else. In an effort to not just totally shut down and go into a dark place, I am taking some pressure off myself. By not weighing in this week I took the pressure of performance and meeting the expectations of others off myself. Are these made up expectations? Perhaps but they are real to me. We all go through times of self doubt and questions of self worth. Mine seems to be now. I know I will emerge on the other side. In the meantime, I am going to keep trying to write and work though what is causing these feelings. Who knows what I might find...

Weigh In Wednesday

Hello everyone! I am happy to report that this week we see the scale do it's job...Down 4 pounds!! It is a wonderful feeling to see a nice big number like this! I am refocused (for the most part) and moving towards my goal of being 200 pounds by the time I leave for Florida (soooooo excited). I think I can thank the warmer weather for giving me the chance to walk several days this past week. I haven't been as focused on me eating and finding myself wanting to cheat at least once a day. It's hard to say cheat since this is not a diet but I am definitely not as strict as I once was. It's hard to keep that kind of focus for months on end. I have to give myself a pat on the back though. While I have eaten off plan I haven't gone hog wild. My stomach is definitely smaller than it used to be which helps with that. I can't keep beating myself up for these dalliances with the devil (he is so tempting).

I think everyone's moods go in cycles. Right now I am in a time of self doubt and self induced stress. I know it's my own little Gollum having a good romp through my brain. I gave him a little leeway and that bastard takes a mile. As I have said before I tend to keep a lot of this to myself. I think the reason for that is that I know that talking about it won't mobilize me to do anything. Most people find it hard to talk about these things because those that love us want to help us. They want to make it better. They want to let you know how wrong that little Gollum voice is. That stuff is hard to hear because it doesnt jive with my self perception ( I know I am super hard on myself). That is why I talk about it on here. This is my outlet for such things. As you have seen over the past few weeks that this is the topic of the moment. I am sorry if it bores y'all to tears but alas it is the broken record that is on repeat in my head.

Anyway, Today is a day to not go off plan but rather celebrate my loss by sticking to my guns! Gollum be damned!

Pretzels Vs. Me...Who Will Win?

Pretzels...Pretzels....Pretzels....I am hoping that if I keep saying the word then the food will stop dancing around my head. I was never a pretzelaholic by any means but lately it's all I can think about.

I mean look at it! Those beautiful nuggets of salty goodness, the golden brown color, the yeasty flavor..my god I am salivating just looking at this picture! What's worse there is a big bag of these salty knots waiting for me at home. I am trying my best to resist but I may just have to donate it to some pretzel-less family and buy my sister some replacement snack item.

What I really need to do is figure out why...why now? What's going on in my life that cravings are coming in like gang busters! Perhaps it is my underlying belief that if something isn't a totally bitch to complete then I shouldn't do it. What I read here is that self sabotage is kind of my deal. When things are going well I have to find a way to fuck it up (because otherwise who am I?) I am guessing that has something to do with the pessimist side of me that has to keep things in check. You want an excuse not to do something..I am your girl! Fear of failure perhaps? Maybe its a big chili con emotional issues that I've got going on. Not one thing defines why my cravings are coming up. I just wish that I could turn it off. I wish that I could just walk away from that little voice in my head that says "It's ok...just eat the pretzels...you'll get back on plan tomorrow.."

Damn you Gollum...damn you...

Cheater Cheater Pizza Eater

Well it happened folks..I broke..I had pizza last night. 2 slices to be exact. As my friend Diane said, It was a self fulfilling prophecy. I had been thinking about going off plan for weeks now and it was particularly bad this weekend. The urge was just too great. I was at my boyfriend's friends house for the Jets game and I didn't want to feel like the weird chick with her pre-packed food. Rather than sit here and beat myself up though I am going to focus on the good things instead (a total departure for me).

1. I made cupcakes for this shindig and I didn't have one. I didn't even lick the frosting off my fingers when making them.

2. I got the cheat urge out of my system. It was swirling around in my brain and frankly it was driving me crazy.

3. I thought that the pizza would taste fantastic since its been almost 8 months since I have eaten like that. Truth be told I missed my salad.

4. This does NOT make me a bad person nor weak willed nor a failure. I am a human being with faults and imperfections.

I am taking this as a life lesson. I am back on plan today and plan on staying that way for a long, long time. This is something that a few months ago would have broken me. I would have started today off by going to Dunkin Donuts and getting an iced coffee and a breakfast sandwich. I would have just thrown in the towel. One day, one moment of poor eating would have totally derailed me. Instead, I see it as a growth opportunity. Before I wouldn't have told a soul that I did this. I would have hidden it in fear of judgement or of disappointing my friends & family. I have learned that my friends and family are going to love me no matter what I do. That they are here for me, to support me, even when I fail. So thank you in advance for your support and know that your girl is back on plan!!

Musing on a Monday

Shock and Awe people I am actually writing something (other than a WIW of course)!  I figured it was time to update on more than just the weight loss and talk about some of the mental things that have been going on for me. For the first time in 7 months I am feeling the urge to go off plan. Not because I am bored or unhappy with my food. Rather it is more due to how tough it can be to live a "normal" life while on this plan. It is incredibly hard to be on the outside of the rest of the food eating world. It is only recently that it has become harder. The holidays were a challenge for sure (as it is for millions of other people). The cakes and pies in particular were the hardest. In my mind there is little difference between truly celebrating and a piece of cake. Case in point..I went to a wedding on Friday and when they placed that piece of wedding cake in front of me I almost broke. It was staring at me, taunting me, saying "come on Lynne...its a celebration..it's bad luck to not eat some one's wedding cake". Yes folks my brain made up a total lie (it is really good at that!). I was able to push the cake into the middle of the table and forget about it but it was a true test of my will power.

Then there is the always present problem with eating out. I want to be able to join in, to enjoy the same food as someone else and get that same glazed over happy look on my face as the person I am eating with. It is particularly hard when you are with someone who really loves good food. If I were on a different plan then I feel as though I could take a day off every now and again, to participate in things like that and get right back to my good habits the very next day. However, on Medifast, I would go through some fun withdrawal symptoms the next day that I want to avoid like the plague. Not to mention I am still about 120 pounds away from my goal. I worry that if I step off my plan it will be a slippery slope. All of a sudden a once in a while off plan day will turn into a week, then a month and so on. These facts are able to firm up my resolve for the time being but I hope they can hold.

I don't think I have quite mastered the idea of changing my eating habits forever. I have an excellent foundation but the question is, when I am done with this plan, how am I going to handle it? I know it is some time away but I think it's time I start forming a plan. There will always be a part of me that sees food as a reward (and for someone who is addicted to instant gratification it is the easiest reward to give myself). I had said in a post a few months ago that my life lesson is to learn patience. It is an ongoing process, and while i give myself kudos for having more of it I know that I am far from  where I want to be. How does one shut off their instincts? How does one make their brain stop running a mile a minute looking for the next step? I am guessing it is a gradual process and (here comes the irony folks) I have to be patient and know that change comes slowly (especially to me, the girl who fears change more than she fears birds). I am even frustrated reading that.

So there is the current status of my mental health. Happy in a lot of ways but also recognizing the challenges I have to face.

The good, the bad & the ugly

What I can and can't do is ever changing over these past 4 months. Here are some of the things that I can now do that I couldn't do before...

Sit comfortably in a booth at a restaurant
Sit "Indian style" (I know there is a more pc term for it out there but forgive me) on my couch
Walk up stairs without feeling the need to call the paramedics
Not sweat half as much when doing simple physical things
Make smarter food choices at restaurants (while only momentarily feeling a need to order something fatty and horrible for me)
Inadvertently inspire other people to do better things for themselves (which is incredibly strange and foreign to me)

Things I can't do...

Stay positive about the rest of my life (weight loss I got covered, now the rest of my life is in focus and I can't find my way through it)
Have faith that I will find what it is I am looking for (optimism is not my strong suit and never has been)
Accepting the compliments I have been getting without looking for some reason to deny them (even if I keep it to myself)
Believe that I  will find my sense of purpose

I have found myself drowning in my own self hate as of late. Which of course means I am keeping it to myself because that is what I always do. I internalize because I know that if I talk about it I will hear things like "Of course your amazing" or "I don't understand how you can see yourself this way" or "You will find it/him/yourself someday". Those things just serve to make me feel like I am more alone or defensive. I am actually quite defensive about my self hatred. I protect it and continue to fuel it. I don't know if it is because it is the belief system that I have built for myself and to question it means to lose what little sense of self I have. Or if it just my natural stubbornness shining through.Either way I recognize that doing this has not served me well in the past so it is the least I can do. I can let it out and let you know it's going on. I am not looking for words of encouragement or to fish for compliments but rather to be honest about where my mind is at. Loving oneself is harder than any amount of weight I need to lose. This is my challenge. This is my goal. Not to be thin or healthy (while both good side effects) but to find out why I feel this big gaping hole and why I can never ever seem to fill it.

Weigh In Wednesday!!

Good Morrow all my faithful Lynninites(catchy huh?). Weigh in Wednesday is brought to you today by the letter P (for Protein) and the number 2. As in I lost 2 pounds this week. Better than nothing right? I know what you will all say "Come on Lynne, that's still great! A loss is a loss". I know your right but as you all know I tend to beat myself up a lot (its actually very annoying but I can't seem to get rid of it).

Last night I gave myself some time to ponder over the question "Why". As in.."why do I not value myself" or "why do I think of myself as weak" or the ever present "why can't I look in the mirror without seeing my faults"?. The answer is lack of self esteem. I have anywhere from 0 to 40 on a scale of 100 (depending on the situation I am in). I am fully aware of how other's perceive me (in fact I am hyper aware since this is the only way I seem to feel worth..is through others) however, I do not (or cannot) seem to have faith in what they say. I know people find it really hard to believe the things I think about myself because I do have a strong personality (once you get to know me). The truth is, it's an act. It's a well crafted facade that has served me well over the years. I do not believe in it one bit. I am wee bit of a charlatan (carpet bagger of the soul if you will).

This is what I need/want/have to change about myself. That last post about finding a hobby made me realize I don't need a hobby...I need me. While I think that the elements of finding a hobby will be essential in my gaining self confidence, it won't be the hobby that will make me different, it will be challenging myself to face my fears. Fear of rejection and failure ( I think the fear of birds will be staying in tact though). I need to stop seeking ques from others that I am doing well. I need to tell myself that (which feels about as comfortable as jabbing needles in my eyes).

My question is how do I do this? Is it through daily affirmations (which feel completely ridiculous to me but perhaps that is a sign that I should do them since I clearly have no clue what I am doing)?. Do I go back to therapy? Do I join a support group (which I have my misgivings about for several reasons)? Do I pick up a bunch of self-help books and go through them one lesson at a time? I don't know where to start but I need to just pick something and do it. I need to do my homework in whatever thing I decide to do. Therapy was always helpful to a point, until it came to actually doing things (like keeping a journal, doing writing exercises or affirmations).

If only my stubbornness could be directed towards good (since it only seems to be directed at things that might help me). If I were as pig headed about positive goals as I seem to be about my own demise then I could truly be unstoppable! That's the new goal then people. To shift the focus and move away from destruction and towards repair. Perhaps I will start off slow, by listening to this song every day and letting the message seep in. What do you think?

Live in the Present...

Today while out with my wonderful friend Diane I saw this bracelet...

It made me think of this...

It's a beautiful reminder of exactly what I need to be focusing on. I feel in such a rush to figure out my life. To find my path. The truth is there are some things in life that you can't rush. Some things you can plan for in the future (i.e. retirement) but the rest is up in the air. It also means I can no longer dwell on the past. The past is where my fears come from. I am scared to try things because in the past I failed at them or something like them. I can no longer let my past dictate my future. It's important to keep the lessons learned from past mistakes but they shouldn't hold you back. This is true for all areas of life. Just because I let my dream of being in the theater go because of failure doesn't mean I can't try again. Just because love has come and gone doesn't mean it won't come back again. I know it will sound incredibly silly but this bracelet gives me hope. Hope that I can keep my focus on those 4 little words instead of the fear.

The Airing of Grievances

Here are some things that I am having a wee bit of trouble with recently. I figured there wasn't a better place to talk about them than my much neglected blog (sorry everyone..I know your lives hinge on my every word hahah)

1. Feeling like an outcast. How so you ask? Food is the center of our society and when you can't "participate" it leaves me feeling like some sort of leper (minus that whole limbs falling off bit). It's hard saying No all the time. I am bit resentful of it as well. When I get to see others eating normally I am thinking " Damn you and that dip your eating!!"

2. Feeling like I have to defend the program I am on. Medifast is intense (double rainbow intense some may say) and highly restrictive. I know that everyone I talk to about my weight loss is just over the moon happy for me but when they hear that I can't eat ..oh I don't know...95% of the food available in the world...they tend to become incredulous. I understand that for most of them they are thinking "I could never do that..how are you doing that". I realize that it is in admiration that they say things like that but it can still weigh on me.

3. Not truly enjoying my success. I see how much I have lost and for some reason all I can see is how far I need to go. While I am not trying to diminish my success I also realize that my weight loss won't stay this rapid forever and I am worried that I won't ride the "wave" long enough. Which means that it will take that much longer to my goal.

Now I fully embrace and realize that this is all negative thinking of my part. It is my sensitive, whiny, dare I say it... G coming back to haunt me. The truth about weight loss (like any major life changing thing) is it's fucking hard. Not every day and it's not the plan that's hard. It's the emotions. The self doubt, the rebuilding of boundaries, trying to keep the focus on me and not finding outside people to focus on. These are my real challenges and they will continue to follow me on this journey. The more I lose the more I will uncover. Therefore, I recognize that it is ok to have bad days. It's ok to not be positive every single moment of the day. Because if I did that then I wouldn't be being honest with who I am or what I am feeling. I have spent 20-some odd years trying to stuff them down and shut them up. G will always be with me, feeding me lies, but the difference I realize now, is that I don't need to kill him. Rather I need to embrace him as part of me thus lessening his power and influence over me. Once G feels like part of the family he will be less likely to cause trouble (at least that's my theory). Tomorrow will be a day to rejoice in whatever weight loss I have but tonight was for the airing of grievances (If you don't know of Festivus you should)

Stirrings..

I am beginning to have the familiar stirrings in my heart and head..those stirrings that lead me to poor decisions & more emptiness. This stirring, however, is not about food (shocker). It's my want/desire/need to connect emotionally with someone (lets get serious I am talking about a man). I have to wonder why all of a sudden this stirring has come about so sharply in the past 2 weeks. Is it G trying to throw a distraction my way so I fall off my path? Is it that I finally feel ready to let someone in to my all too sensative heart? Is it that I finally believe I am worthy of the attention?

I am leaning towards G personally. I don't think I am ready to connect with someone new. I mean I love the thrill of the new and unexplored, the butterflies it produces and the wonderful way it seems to change the colors of the world. However, I know that I am not secure enough in who I am and what I want yet to really pursue something serious. Now that being said do I really need something serious? Can I casually do this dance? I am going to say No. I wasn't good at casual before my journey and I don't think being on it has changed that fact about me. Of course I want the attention (because who doesn't) but I have learned that  attention comes at a high price. I become a weak, pathetic version of myself that I simply loathe.

All of this doesn't change the fact that I have a longing. A day dream of meeting the man who will love me and be my partner (no prince charming's need apply I want me a real man). However, I know that relationships are hard work and right now I am taking on all the hard work I can handle. So I am hoping that this longing will die down a bit because I am not really sure how to stop it (besides stabbing it in the night)

Dealing with Loss

Today we had to put down my sweet dog Scooby. It was sudden and overwhelming but there was nothing we could for him other than make sure he was out of pain. He was a great dog. Funny, a big mush, odd at times but always loving. I have never had to put down a pet before and it hit me harder than I imagined. I think that is in part due (largely I think) to the fact that I no longer have a barrier (i.e. food) to my emotions. I just had to let the sadness come and cry. I hate crying, more than most things, because it always feels unstoppable. Like once you start it's never going to end. However, as we all know, the tears stop and you move on. I wasn't there for when they put him down but I did go and say my good byes. It was scary. I have dealt with death before, more than I would like to think about but I was always at a distance. I wasn't there when any relative passed away, just funerals (which is hard enough). I know that losing Scooby wasn't as hard as losing my Uncle but it was still upsetting none the less. 

I can come away from this knowing that I didn't give into G calling me to eat away the pain. He did win a small battle in that I did have a cigarette. However, I am not going to beat myself up for it. I did it, it's done, and I won't be having any more. I did the best I could and that is all I can ask of myself.

                                                                Rest In Peace Scoobers

An Interview with G-Man

While looking through my drawer at work I found one of my notepads from a few months ago. I know, I know...your thinking "Lynne, really? Who gives a rat's ass?". WELL if you had given me a chance to finish I could have told you I found something(man! you guys are impatient!). I was in an incredibly boring meeting and I started to write down anything that came into my head. As I meandered through various thoughts, I suddenly stumble across G (for those of you new to my blog click here to see who G is). It looks like I am actually interviewing him, with one handwriting for me and another one for him. If I had a fancy scanner (what is this 1995?) I would just scan this baby in and you could see for yourself. Alas though I am scanner-less(and less of a person for it damn it!) so I will have to transcribe it for you.
Ready? Ok let's go!

Me: There is never a good time to do this

G: I DON'T WANT TO!!! (sounds like someone is being a bit of a baby)

Me: Why?Why? Why? Why? Why? (being equally as petulant back..fight fire with fire I always say)

G: Because it means change. You don't know that all the incredibly hard work will be worth the effort.

Me: What else are you doing? Your just going through each day, not really living.(Truth)

G: What is living? (looks like G is going Emo on us)

Me: Saddest question ever!! Why are you so against these things?

G: It only leads to pain

Me: So you're painless now?

G:  No....but I am comfortable

Me: Comfortable how?

G: In my routine. People let me get away with sooooo much

Me: Why don't you want to be responsible?

G: What's good about it?

Me: Knowing that YOU controlled your life. Not your weight. Not your friends and family. YOU!!!

G: Do I win an award for that? Who gives a shit? What do I get? (ummm...needy much?)

Me: You do. You get the option to do things because you either want to or not....not because you CAN'T.

G: It's going to take years!! 

Me: Of course it is...but by the time your 30 you could either be the true you or stay a child. It will never change until you do something. It's okay to ASK FOR HELP!!!.


To be honest it is really emotional for me to read this. I didn't write it long ago. I see me, I see G, then I see where the lines blur and we are one. I am glad I have this though, as a reference. To see just where I was and where I plan on going. And that, my friends, is as far away from G as possible.

Naming the Voice

So here is what I know about that nasty little voice in my head

1. It is bitter, mean and cruel

2. It does not have my best interest at heart

3. It has fed me lie after lie for years

4. It is greedy and yet never satisfied

5. It looves to point out all the things I do wrong

6. It's snide (and not in a funny, bitter sarcastic way even though it can come out that way)
7. It is scared as hell right now 
  
  With those facts in hand I have finally come up with a name. That name is (drum roll please)...Gollum. That's right...this dude.

I really can't think of a better image/example to use than this. So from now on I shall refer to that voice as Gollum or G for short. I guess it really depends on the mood I am in that day. For now G is pretty quite but I think he is just waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

He wasn't so quite on Wednesday though. Why you ask? Well I got my scale(the first one I have ever bought by the way) and finally faced one of the many things that I avoid. My actual weight. For years I have never known just how much I weighed. It is one of the many tricks I've used to keep reality at bay. I manned up though and decided to face it head on, realizing that whatever the scaled said it wouldn't matter. I am committed to this journey, to myself  and most of all to life( that sounds awesome doesn't it?). Well the minute I stepped on the scale and saw the number, guess who decided to pipe up? You guessed it, the man of the hour...G. He began ranting about how stupid I was to let myself get to this point, that I will never be able to climb the mountain o' weight loss, that I may as well give up now and go and get him some ice cream.

I let myself feel all of what he was saying, take the weight of it all(i.e.crying). Normally at this point G and I would have gone out and gotten that ice cream he demanded. What G didn't know though was that there was something coming for him. Out of the dark, when he least expected it, I showed up. For the first time in a long time, I came in and saved myself. All shiny,armor plated and full of positivity (with a side of rainbows, puppies and unicorns!). I stood up to G and let him know that now was not the time for such things and to shut the fuck up. And with that he retreated to whatever dark corner of my mind he dwells and hasn't shown his face since.

Like I said, I know he will show up again, but for now all is quiet. I can relish in the fact that I won a battle. Every single day I gain more experience and weaponry to fight G with. So be warned Gollum..your days are numbered...your precioussss(insert creepy G voice here) fat is fading and soon you will have nothing left but the occasional bad decision.