Yes, I am alive...

As I have received a few messages wondering where I am or how I am doing I figured I should check in with y'all. I got nothing. I didn't step on the scale this week. Why? Because I know my eating hasn't been great and I haven't exercised to make up for it. Therefore, I know it won't be anything good. Avoidance isn't what I aim for but at the same time, why beat myself up further? I am well aware that I am fucking this up royally right now. I am not eating right. I am not exercising. I am not happy with my choices, yet I can't seem to stop myself. It's too easy to eat bad. It's too easy to fall back into old habits.

Why I am doing it is the question I keep asking myself. Perhaps it is all the change I see coming my way that has me uneasy (as excited for the change as I am, change is never easy). I feel like my focus is gone. Not just on my diet but in general. I find my brain shutting down, my eyes unfocused and going glassy. It's always been hard for me to concentrate but it seems when I have a lot of things swirling through my head, it gets even worse. With me, when things get too numerous, I tend to shut down. For example, even though I am months away from moving, I think about it all the time. I think about all the big and little things that need to get done. I can't do anything about most of this for a few months, so why am I letting it occupy my thoughts? Not sure but I can't seem to get them to stop. No matter how many times I tell myself to take a deep breath and let it go, they pop up again. It's like a huge to-do list and I can't check anything off. Hence why it's making me crazy. I am not good at waiting for things I really want. I will put off things I hate to do or don't want to do till the last minute.

Le sigh...I know I have it in me to keep losing weight, but it's not a priority for me right now. Maybe after Thanksgiving, I can give myself some time to exercise and that might help. Ok, not maybe, I WILL make time. I have to. I know it can make me feel better. So there. That's manageable. I can do that. Thanks blog..you always know how to make me feel better (and you, my dear friends as well)

Weigh In Wednesday

Up and down..up and down.. now I know what people mean by yo-yo dieting! I am up 2 pounds. I have not given up on my goals but as I have been saying for some time now, I have no focus. I see myself reverting back to some old habits but to be honest I'm not sure why that is.Things in my life are going really well in general. I have a new car (thank you to all parties who made that possible!), I have some money in savings, I no longer have debt hanging over my head and I have firm plans to move in with my most amazing boyfriend in April. Life seems to be heading in one great direction but I feel no different on the inside. Perhaps the change (since I am such a HUGE fan of change) is making me want to act out in not so good for me ways. In many ways, I feel no different about myself then I did a year or more ago. I still don't see myself in a light that is positive for the most part. I don't take pleasure in my success. I see myself as average at best. Average doesn't deserve praise as far as I'm concerned. I don't know how to change my view of myself. I hate (deep abiding hatred) self affirmations (they feel icky and wrong and contrite). I've done the therapy thing on and off for years. I am stubborn in my self hatred. It is my comfort zone.

All that being said, I know I must be different than a year ago. While some of the base emotions are the same. The same self hating thoughts floating through my head. I know that I am capable of change. I don't like it but now I know I can do it. Perhaps it's time to baby step my way into some self love (and not the dirty kind you perverts). It is the hardest part of losing weight. Getting over the reasons why you were obese to begin with.

Weigh In Wednesday

What's up everyone! I hope you are all doing well on this sunny fall day. I am down 3 pounds which I am pleased with. It's been hard to stay on plan. Mr. Gollum is being quite pushy these days. A little cheat here and there but overall I have been on plan. I think it's important to me that even if I am not perfect that I don't allow that to be a license to over eat. Over eating is kind of my jam. I love the feeling of it to be honest (not the after effects though). There is something about not having to be controlled. About giving in to what you want and not worrying about the consequences. I think everyone has moments like those. Where they don't want to be an adult, with responsibilities. I wish I were one of those people who gets joy from eating healthy. I am sorry but quinoa, whole wheat pasta and veggies will never get my heart racing quite like ice cream, pretzels and assorted dips will (yes I know those are random things but they are what popped into my head first). However, I am learning to appreciate what those healthy foods do make me feel (which is less sluggish and proud of my good choices).

This journey ain't easy folks. I know there are things that I should be doing more of but I am resisting for some reason. I am working on why but for now I am happy to be on a downward spiral..for once!