Weigh-In Wednesday!!

So today is the day. I had a hard time sleeping last night from anticipation of what the scale would say today. I shot out of bed this morning like a kid at Christmas to hop on my scale (that is so not normal!). Well kids, the result were (drum roll please!)....10 POUNDS!!!!!

Now I know what some of you will say to this next line but the truth is..I was a little disapointed. Don't get me wrong, I know just how amazing 10 pds is. However, when you were thinking you would lose more than that anything less seems like a little bit of a letdown. This could also be due to the fact that I am incredibly hard on myself and never give myself praise unless I feel it is some sort of massive achievement. So I took the moment to feel that way and and let it go. I gave myself a big ole pat on the back and said "Good Job Me!". While it stills feels incredibly strange to do so this is what I have to do. I have to learn how to take all the good that comes my way and not try and discount it. I am so quick to write my achievements off , no wonder I always feel so far from my goals.

Anyway, enough Debbie Downer and on to the celebration. Adios 10 pounds!!! Don't worry you won't be lonely for long. You will have plenty of pals in no time!

Happy Weekaversary To Me!..Now where's my cake!!

I can't believe it's only been a week since I started Medifast!! Honestly, it feels like I have been on it for months. As good as I feel for doing it I know it will take some real time before I feel like this is my life.Change doesn't happen over night (blah, blah friggtyblahblah). 

As I am sure you can tell by my sidebar comment above, my emotions are a little, how you say, out of wack. For the past few days I have been irretable, happy,sad, hyper, positive, negative and a down right pain in the ass (I am sure). I feel like a fucking mental patient (just put me in that pretty white coat and ship me off). This is one of the things I have been dreading the most whenever I thought about losing weight. What will help keep me sane? Food has always been a way for me to regulate the madness. To help keep G and his cronies at bay. But as we all know, all it did was shut them up for a little while ( I know I am incredibly quiet when my mouth is stuffed with goodies!). So it would seem, take the food away and its like recess for an ADHD kid. He doesn't know where to go first. Should he swing on the monkey barsohwait theres something shiny over there i could dig it up with this shovellookat those kids playing kickball I want in (and on and on ad infinitum). All I can do right now is hold on tight and pray to God that I don't get thrown off.

I must say though that this blog is my saving grace right now. It gives me purpose, something to be accountable to and a way to get out what I need to (in my own quirky,incredibly humorous way). I feel like my genuine self gets to have a much needed outlet. Funny enough...it really does help to quite the voices. Man, I feel like I should have listened to my therapists a long time ago when they told me writing would help! But as my mother will tell you, I can never be told/cajoled/bribed/begged to do something I don't want to do (never go willingly I always say, put up a fight!). I am glad that I finally gave this a try, for it seems to be helping ( I feel better already!).

Tomorrow is another day (throw in a fiddle-dee-dee and we've got Scarlett O'Hara!). Who knows what it will bring. I hope it brings a smile, some better weather and a good lean & green (a sexy, shirtless man to fawn over me wouldn't be half bad either!)

Killin it in the Kitchen

The highlight of today (since there weren't many) was my "lean & green" meal. "Lean & green" is just what it sounds like. It is a serving of lean protein (5-7oz) and 3 servings of vegetables. The first shock on this plan was seeing just how small a serving size really is. It's no wonder why American's are always battling the bulge (way to overachieve fellow Americans!!). Anyway, I digress (as usual) so onward to what made me so happy!

The "green" is what got me super excited. I made my own version of creamed spinach and let me tell you...IT WAS AWESOME!!. I am not just looking for a pat on the back here (although who would really turn that down) but rather to share with you my joy at cooking something super delish. It went a little something like this...

1. Spray pan with PAM or other type of cooking spray. Heat up pan on low-medium heat.
2. When pan is hot add 2 cups of spinach. Move spinach around the pan as to prevent burning
3. As it cooks down add a pinch of garlic powder
4. Once spinach is fully wilted (takes less than 2 mins) turn off heat.
5. Add 1 wedge of  Laughing Cow Light Creamy Swiss. Stir until fully melted.

And that's it!! And it comes out looking like this....

It was creamy and delicious and really too good for words. I am so glad that I am able to find foods that make me feel like I am still part of the normal eating world. Here is a better shot of my overall dinner for you to drool over.

Those cheese covered orbs of goodness are Morningstar Farms Grillers. They are hands down the best tasting burgers I have ever had (meat or otherwise). In case you can't tell...I really love the laughing cow cheese. It is decadent and creamy (by far my favorite food texture) and makes me do a happy dance.
And no there will not be a youtube video of that so don't hold your breath.

Naming the Voice

So here is what I know about that nasty little voice in my head

1. It is bitter, mean and cruel

2. It does not have my best interest at heart

3. It has fed me lie after lie for years

4. It is greedy and yet never satisfied

5. It looves to point out all the things I do wrong

6. It's snide (and not in a funny, bitter sarcastic way even though it can come out that way)
7. It is scared as hell right now 
  
  With those facts in hand I have finally come up with a name. That name is (drum roll please)...Gollum. That's right...this dude.

I really can't think of a better image/example to use than this. So from now on I shall refer to that voice as Gollum or G for short. I guess it really depends on the mood I am in that day. For now G is pretty quite but I think he is just waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

He wasn't so quite on Wednesday though. Why you ask? Well I got my scale(the first one I have ever bought by the way) and finally faced one of the many things that I avoid. My actual weight. For years I have never known just how much I weighed. It is one of the many tricks I've used to keep reality at bay. I manned up though and decided to face it head on, realizing that whatever the scaled said it wouldn't matter. I am committed to this journey, to myself  and most of all to life( that sounds awesome doesn't it?). Well the minute I stepped on the scale and saw the number, guess who decided to pipe up? You guessed it, the man of the hour...G. He began ranting about how stupid I was to let myself get to this point, that I will never be able to climb the mountain o' weight loss, that I may as well give up now and go and get him some ice cream.

I let myself feel all of what he was saying, take the weight of it all(i.e.crying). Normally at this point G and I would have gone out and gotten that ice cream he demanded. What G didn't know though was that there was something coming for him. Out of the dark, when he least expected it, I showed up. For the first time in a long time, I came in and saved myself. All shiny,armor plated and full of positivity (with a side of rainbows, puppies and unicorns!). I stood up to G and let him know that now was not the time for such things and to shut the fuck up. And with that he retreated to whatever dark corner of my mind he dwells and hasn't shown his face since.

Like I said, I know he will show up again, but for now all is quiet. I can relish in the fact that I won a battle. Every single day I gain more experience and weaponry to fight G with. So be warned Gollum..your days are numbered...your precioussss(insert creepy G voice here) fat is fading and soon you will have nothing left but the occasional bad decision.

Food in all it's glory

I know it might seem counterproductive to talk about food on a plan where I only eat "real" food once a day but I had an enlightening moment last night. As I sat there eating my turkey burger with laughing cow cheese and salad with light Italian dressing I caught myself moaning. Not a "Oh god why me!! Why do I have to eat this stuff" more of a "I would do dirty things to this food if it were morally acceptable" moan. It was like I was tasting the most succulent dish at the fanciest restaurant in town. And it was only turkey burgers!! What gives? I have a few theories on the matter..care to hear them?(well your going to whether you like it or not so prepare yourself)

1. I have lost my damn mind (not totally far off if you know me)
2. My taste buds have decided to join forces with my mind and go AWOL.
3. When you haven't had real food all day long and you finally get something fresh you can't help but enjoy every millisecond of it.

While I enjoy theories 1 & 2 myself I have a feeling its much closer to number 3. And I am thrilled about that. It has truly been a long time since I have enjoyed my food. For the past few months I had noticed that I no longer really even tasted food. It was merely there to keep that ugly voice inside at bay. Similar (yet again) to when smoking became more about MUST have rather than want. Yet another driving force behind this life change(notice I don't say diet and I never will since that isn't what I am doing). I would like to be the one in the drivers seat not the ugly voice (I would like to name that voice and I am open to any suggestions).

So yes last night was a revelation and I look forward to many more meals where I can moan until the neighbors are screaming KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE!.

Get ta movin!

Sometimes we all need a little something to get us up and moving. While I am feeling empowered today (hell it's only Day 2!) I thought I would share with you some of my favorite songs that make me want to run..and someday I will do just that!

Day One

I am exhausted!! My head hurts, my stomach is empty and I can barely keep my eyes open. But I am beyond happy(makes me question just what they put in these shakes)! I feel an incredible sense of accomplishment as this day draws to a close. I managed to get through my first day, no breakdowns, no cheating and drinking more water than I thought humanely possible. Tomorrow will bring it with it more of the same but I know I can get through it again. I am making baby steps towards Day 3(since they say after that it gets much better). This is exactly  and I mean exactly like quitting smoking! So I know for a fact that after a few days the physical symptoms will fade and then the real work beings..killing that voice inside my head. But that is for another day...for now I look forward to my brownie and The Bachelorette!

Pacing the floor

For me, the night before anything fun/exciting/nerve-wracking happens, I am unable to sleep. So it is only fitting that I can't sleep tonight. Tomorrow is the day I being my journey away from Obesity and towards...who knows what!! I wonder if this is what brides feel like the night before their wedding day? All I know is that I am pacing my floors, trying to answer the questions floating in my head and praying to anyone who will listen!

Oh I am sorry...We haven't been formally introduced yet..how rude of me! My name is Lynne, I am 29 years old and I am morbidly obese (now would be a good time for you to say "Hi Lynne"...like we are at AA or something). I have been plauged with fat since I can remember, but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I really wanted to do anything it.What was my light bulb moment you ask? Simple. I had a choice, either kill myself or really, truly, 100% start living my life. I have lived in the "grey area"my entire life. Grey area meaning I was merely existing, getting by on what I could make out my life with my fat always guiding the way. And one day, in the depths of my crisis, I heard a simple quote (from of all places "The Shawshank Redemption") "Get busy living or get busy dying". It struck a cord in me so deep I could hear it reverberate within my very soul (how's that for a former drama major!!). I know that no matter how bleak things always seemed for me, I would never be able to kill myself. So since that option was taken off the table, the only choice was to start living. And would you believe, it worked!! The minute I made up my mind to live it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And with that mental weight lifted I knew I had to get down to the serious work, the real heavy lifting. Letting my fat go.

After seeing my doctor for the first time in a long time, he told me about the Medifast plan. That too struck the same soul chord (coincidentally the name of my future R&B group) within me and I began to research. It all seemed to fall in to place, and now here we are. I have a months worth of food, my family and friends supporting me 100%, and the mindset of success. So what's got me pacing then? You know what, I can't remember hahaha. Perhaps this writing thing really does help...who knew!

Let's see what tomorrow has in store..shall we...