Weigh In Wednesday

Up and down..up and down.. now I know what people mean by yo-yo dieting! I am up 2 pounds. I have not given up on my goals but as I have been saying for some time now, I have no focus. I see myself reverting back to some old habits but to be honest I'm not sure why that is.Things in my life are going really well in general. I have a new car (thank you to all parties who made that possible!), I have some money in savings, I no longer have debt hanging over my head and I have firm plans to move in with my most amazing boyfriend in April. Life seems to be heading in one great direction but I feel no different on the inside. Perhaps the change (since I am such a HUGE fan of change) is making me want to act out in not so good for me ways. In many ways, I feel no different about myself then I did a year or more ago. I still don't see myself in a light that is positive for the most part. I don't take pleasure in my success. I see myself as average at best. Average doesn't deserve praise as far as I'm concerned. I don't know how to change my view of myself. I hate (deep abiding hatred) self affirmations (they feel icky and wrong and contrite). I've done the therapy thing on and off for years. I am stubborn in my self hatred. It is my comfort zone.

All that being said, I know I must be different than a year ago. While some of the base emotions are the same. The same self hating thoughts floating through my head. I know that I am capable of change. I don't like it but now I know I can do it. Perhaps it's time to baby step my way into some self love (and not the dirty kind you perverts). It is the hardest part of losing weight. Getting over the reasons why you were obese to begin with.

Weigh In Wednesday

What's up everyone! I hope you are all doing well on this sunny fall day. I am down 3 pounds which I am pleased with. It's been hard to stay on plan. Mr. Gollum is being quite pushy these days. A little cheat here and there but overall I have been on plan. I think it's important to me that even if I am not perfect that I don't allow that to be a license to over eat. Over eating is kind of my jam. I love the feeling of it to be honest (not the after effects though). There is something about not having to be controlled. About giving in to what you want and not worrying about the consequences. I think everyone has moments like those. Where they don't want to be an adult, with responsibilities. I wish I were one of those people who gets joy from eating healthy. I am sorry but quinoa, whole wheat pasta and veggies will never get my heart racing quite like ice cream, pretzels and assorted dips will (yes I know those are random things but they are what popped into my head first). However, I am learning to appreciate what those healthy foods do make me feel (which is less sluggish and proud of my good choices).

This journey ain't easy folks. I know there are things that I should be doing more of but I am resisting for some reason. I am working on why but for now I am happy to be on a downward spiral..for once!

Weigh In Wednesday

It's back kids..Weigh In Wednesday! As always with the first week there was a nice drop in my weight...no big deal..yeah you know..just 18 pounds. I swear to god I am not making this stuff up. Last week my scale screamed 238 at me (it's pretty obnoxious). This morning it somewhat incredulously said 220. Is it really possible to retain 18 pounds of water weight?I have such a hard time with these numbers sometimes. I can't image gaining 22 pounds in 3 weeks as much as I can't believe losing 18 in a week.

My energy levels aren't quite back up to where they were (I mourn their loss most of all). I know that it will take some time (as it took almost 7 months of weight loss to get them the first time). Budget wise I don't know if a gym is do able at this time. That doesn't mean I can't take advantage of the resources I have at home (looks like fitness video's are gonna make a comeback at my apartment!) . One way or the other I am doing my best to stay focused. It's never going to be perfect.

Weigh In Wednesday (Plus One)

My apologies on posting a day late my friends! I just haven't been much in the mood to write. I am down 1 pound this week. Considering I ate a piece of cake the size of a small child on Sunday, I would say that's pretty good. This next month is going to be very difficult for me to stay focused. With a trip to the Jersey Shore for a seafood festival and a Wedding in Boston the following weekend, I can't say how diligent I am going to be. Which makes me mad at myself already. Or maybe disappointed..yeah that's a better word. In general, I am feeling down on myself as of late. I have goals in mind but find that I have no will power to stick to them. I am easily persuaded to jump off track (since being an adult and responsible is little to no fun!). I wrote last week about needing to stick to my guns more but to be honest, I am not so sure what my guns are.

I know I should focus on the positive. I should focus on what I have accomplished. I just can't. All I see is my debt, my need for a new car with no funds to do so with, my non-existent career path and my inability to stay on this plan. Asking for help makes me feel even worse. The only thing I know how to do is retreat into my "shell" and hide until I feel better. One thing Medifast can't give you is a new way to cope with your feelings. I will just have to keep searching for a way to do that. In the meantime, my apologies if I retreat a bit..it's all I know how to do.

Weigh In Wednesday

Today's message is brought to you by the letter H (for hungry) and the number 3..since I lost 3 pounds this week! It's funny the difference 3 pounds can make in your clothes. My pants are loser already (yet not quite another size down but I do look forward to that next jump). My energy levels are up again (which does have it's down side..I find it harder to sit down and watch more than an hour or 2 of TV). I will say that every day is still a struggle of sorts. Eating during the week is always easier but the weekends are tricky. With so many events to attend it can be so hard to stay on plan. I can do it I just have to fight that little voice in my head that gets all pouty around cake. I am not alone in my struggles. Even those not on a diet are always looking to eat better. What is it about cake that makes it a necessity at any and all celebrations? I wonder when that tradition started? Anyway..more pondering on sociological issues later. For now I am happy to be moving downward on the scale. While the gym is still out for now, I am going to look for yoga/yoga tone classes since I enjoyed those the most.

I am working on worrying less and staying positive. That is a life long struggle of mine but I figure if I don't start addressing it, they will always be issues. It's easy to let the little things build up and weigh you down. For me, it's about being scared of new situations, what people think of me and being able to stand up for myself. Little by little, I am trying to simultaneously become more easy going yet staying firm in my boundaries (even writing that I am confused). It's not an easy task I have before me but then again, when do I ever choose the easy path?

Weigh In Wednesday

My apologies for how late in the day this post is! Life has yet again picked up the pace. In weight loss news though things have gone hyper speed...I am down 13 pounds this week. What's that you say? No, I am not a liar!! I am as shocked as anyone that I am back down to under 220 in a week. Clearly...carbs and I are not friends. Not that I am living carb free but it is wayyyyy less than I would choose to take in. I also know that I didn't lose 13 pounds of fat. However...I LOST 13 POUNDS!! Hot diggity that feels good.

I am hoping I can ride this high through the weekend. I am yet again in a position where I have events (multiple ones) every weekend. That is when things get tough. It is so easy to eat well during the week. There is a routine to it all. On the weekend you are in so many different situations you never know what temptations are lurking out there. All I can do is my best though and if I fall down, I will get back up again. I have to. I am on a freaking journey here people!! And journey's deserve to be finished. (ok I know it will never be finished until I am dead and gone but still you get my point).

I have a lot of emotions kind of swirling around in me but sadly I don't have the time right now to discuss them all (or perhaps you are grateful who knows). I will save that for another day. For now, Happy Wednesday and see you all in my next installment (hopefully more pics to come).

Weigh In Wednesday!

As I stated yesterday, today is a bit of a doomsday. Not only do I have one killer headache (thank you craptacular weather and Medifast) but I also gained another 4 pounds. Bringing my new weight to 232 pounds. Not happy. Not happy at all. However, I am also not sulking about it. I am more mad than anything. Mad at myself. Mad at how quickly 12 pounds seems to jump back on this body. It might explain the back/neck pain I have been having though.

Rather than focus on all the bad things I am going to focus on the good. Here is my list of new goals, insight and motivation for this next round on Medifast.

1. I feel better when I eat Medifast. Despite this headache from hell, I know that in a day or two I will have more energy and feel better over all.

2.I am far less hungry on Medifast then I was eating on my own. To be honest it's hard to find protein that you enjoy as much as a peanut butter crunch bar.

3. As boring as a routine can be it makes things so much easier! Now that I know what life is like off Medifast I am going to do some research into other plans or styles of eating that are similar. Something low carb/low sugar since I think that carbs are really my enemy in large doses.

3. I want to be under 200 pounds by my Birthday. I know that will be the best present I can give myself.

4. I want to be able to wear heels to a wedding in October. (Not sure if that will happen but it's a goal none the less)

5. I am going to cook at home more often (Any and all Medi-friendly recipes are welcome!)

That ougt to do it for today. Until next time kiddos ;)

Weigh In Wednesday

Gained 8 pounds. Not much to say about it other than I am mad at myself. I ate my face off this weekend (what else is there to do in a Hurricane?). I continue to eat poorly because well I already messed up this weekend so why not continue it..or so that's what I keep telling myself. I know the right thing to do. I know what I "should" be doing. I just can't seem to muster up the drive, desire, fortitude to do it. Not sure what it will take to get there. For all of those whom know and love me..just do me a favor and don't ask me about it or give any pep talks. I am only going to shoot you down and I really don't want to feel like an asshole on top of feeling like a let down. I know that this is the negativity speaking. I also know that your supportive words and "you can do it's" only make me feel worse. I have to believe in myself before I can let those kind of words in. Right now I am down and I will have to do the heavy lifting of getting myself back up. Thank you all for listening to me vent and understanding me.

Weigh In Wednesday

Another week gone and who knows where it all went! I gained .08 pounds but I am choosing to see that as water weight (the dreaded visitor is in town..it's gonna be a doozy of a visit me thinks). I think my new plan is working. However, I need to start being more accountable.If I am going to eat real food then I need to keep track of it all. Being more accountable seems to be the theme of the week. I have always been one to avoid adult like responsiblities. Budgets and doctors appointments in particular seem to be my down fall.

However, I think it's time to grow up a bit. I want to be active in planning for my future (whatever it may hold). I do know a few things that I want. I want to be able to move in with my boyfriend at some point.. I want to be able to get a newer car (not so much a want but a need at some point). I want to be able to run (not just away from someone/something but in an athletic way). I want to be able to lift heavy things (such as my own body weight). I want to have core strength. I am doing things to move towards those things. Onward and upward as they say!

Weigh In Wednesday

A year ago I wrote this post. I almost don't recognize that it was me writing that post. Now, a year later, I am not only going on mile (2 or more really) walks but taking up to 3 classes at Lucille Roberts a week. However, what sticks out the most to me is the tone in which I wrote it.  I sound so chipper (with a side of sarcasm of course). It's hard to remember that the beginning of this journey (even though I am sooo sick of that word thanks to the Bachelor franchise) every day brought new discoveries. I was on my way out of a depression that was deep, dark and dangerous. I remember having all these wide eyed moments, where I felt like I was experiencing things for the first time. Those moments come slower now. They are, though, no less wonderful. I feel more like myself lately. The right mix of the new me and the old me. I am more responsible, pro active, active and aware of my food choices then ever before. I am more open to re-experiencing things that I once hated. However, I balance all this with a healthy dose of self doubt and negativity. I wouldn't be me without those things. I have to love all the things about me, even the things that get in my way.

Now that I got that out of the way...on to the real purpose of today's post. I am down 2.2 pounds! All this with my modified diet of sorts. I eat Medifast meals through out the day but I am incorporating more real food too. I have allowed myself some indulgences but overall I am making good choices each day. In essence, I have decided to take on the challenge of learning how to eat when hungry. To not turn to food to cure something.

In honor of getting back down to 161 pounds lost I am doing another installment of What Does It Look Like?? It's my gift to all you lovely people..enjoy!

I lost this adorable baby giraffe...did you know they come out weighing 160 pounds?? That's intense

I lost this cake encrusted with diamonds, rubies and sapphires. Because nothing say delicious to me quite like precious stones

Umm..I lost a min horse!!! Does anyone else find that a ridiculous statement because I sure do.

I lost this log...Not sure why you have a contraption that weighs logs in the back of your van but hey we all have fun in different ways I guess.

These disturbing rocks don't weigh 160 pounds but did come up in my search..again..Google continues to amaze me.

 Thanks for all your continued interest in this little blog and of course your support of my efforts!

Weigh In Wednesday!

Is it Wednesday already? Alas the calendar in my office tells me that it is. Not a bad day though. I am down 1.2 pounds. I had originally wanted to say 2 pounds but the scale read 221.8 today. Therefore I can't really say I lost 2 pounds (damn you integrity!). I am happy that I didn't gain and even happier that I lost something along the way. I am still trying to figure out the path forward. It is sure to be a bumpy road. However, I have learned that this is a marathon not a sprint. I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life. Now that I have lost 158.2 pounds, I know that I can lose the remaining 60 to 80 pounds. I know it won't be as fast if I choose to not go the Medifast route. Does it need to be fast though? Or should I learn to deal with food instead of bypassing my addiction? Pondering shall continue....

Weigh In Wednesday

Yet another busy day here at Camp Lynne! I am sure you can tell that lately I have not only been unfocused but my work load has increased. It is quite the situation I find myself in. So much to do and so little brain to do it with. I'm not saying I'm not smart (my modesty just won't allow me to lie!). Rather it is that I have a finite amount of concentration. Once I use that up for the day you may as well just push me in front of the tv and throw a bib on me for the drool cuz that's about all I'm good for. However, this week will allow me the very much needed down time to catch up and recharge my batteries. Don't get me wrong, it's great having plans and things to do, just not all the time. We all need time to sit and think and I finally get to have some of that time to work out the next step in my journey (even though I am sick of that word thanks to the Bachelorette). 

Before I leave you for another all day conference (hence the early morning writing session) I should probably tell you what you really came here for huh? I am down 3 pounds (which is a shock to say the least). Insert happy dance here...you know what..why not..let's do it!!

Happy Wednesday Everyone! May your day been filled with this level of happiness ;)

Weigh In Wednesday

Since I know there would be an uprising in the streets (seriously..like riot gear needed and everything) if I didn't post today, I am here. I don't have much time so it's very short..no loss, no gain. I am not sure where my heads at but it's not focused on weight loss I can tell you that. I think I might need to come up with a new strategy. I have to realize that my life now is not the life I had a year ago. If I keep trying to do the same things I was doing but the situation is totally different, am I not the definition of insanity? More on that subject another time..for now it's off to a mandatory office retreat (can't you just feel the excitement???).

Weigh In Wednesday

I figured I might as well bite the bullet and get this post over with. I gained 6 pounds. It's amazing how one weekend of eating off plan can shoot my weight through the roof. I have undone all the work of the past 2 weeks in ONE weekend.  I know that it won't stay around forever (maybe not even through to next week fingers crossed). As you all know I am struggling (big time) with staying on plan on my weekend excursions. It's just such a great excuse to go off plan and eat foods that I haven't in forever. I don't regret the foods I ate this weekend. My amazing friend Fran made us a seriously gourmet meal and I wouldn't trade that in for anything. I would, however, like to go back and make smarter choices. It's like once I allow myself to eat off plan for the weekend, all hell breaks lose. I still don't know how to control myself around food or make smart choices. Smart choices are boring. Smart choices don't make me feel good (in the moment). There are times that I miss being able to eat whatever I want.

All that being said though, I wouldn't want to go back to how things used to be. While I am struggling, maybe a little overwhelmed and down on myself, I am overall MUCH happier (and healthier) than I was. I have made a bargain with myself. Get through the month of July as best I can, then starting in August it's back to 100% on plan. Rather than continue to beat myself up I am going to set myself up for success. I am not going to go haywire in July or anything, just taking some of the pressure off myself. Not sure how that will work but we shall see.

Weigh In Wednesday

Let's start off with the bad news first...I gained 2 pounds, I am starving and I think about food all day every day. I dream of ice cream, cheeseburgers, frozen yogurt (yes it is different than dreaming of ice cream) and fresh fruit. I am tired of having to explain why I can't eat things, why I don't drink alcohol (not that I really drank before this journey but it seems different now) and always having to say no.

Sorry kids I just needed to bitch for a few there. I am having a tough time with my emotions as of late and I have a tendency to keep them to myself. Which as we all know is never a good idea. I know that most of this is coming about because I am finding myself in more situations that are outside my comfort zone. The one great thing about being fat was that I always had a readily available excuse as to why I couldn't do things. I no longer have that excuse and having to be honest about my anxiety is hard for me. Meeting new people, being around children and large crowds are just a few things that shoot my anxiety levels through the roof. It is based around the idea of having to have people like me. I feel like I have to put on a great act, to mask my gargantuan amounts of self doubt, anxiety and general negativity. It's not that I don't like the new people, or children in general (crowds can go shove it though) but it's exhausting having to hide all those things. I don't know how to stop the anxiety, since I used to use food to help make those feelings subside. I am not sure how I am going to deal with these things, but I guess acknowledging that they exist is the first step.

The good news of the week is that I joined a gym! I decided to give Lucille Roberts a try since it's the cheapest gym in my area. Even if it does conjure up images like this...

(And I will say there was one woman there yesterday who was rockin a neon green one..but she looked batshit crazy anyway) . I am looking forward to having a gym that I can have my own time in. I may even try some of the classes they offer. It's a step in the right direction. It might slow my weight loss down but I know I feel better after working out. Let's see what happens.

Weigh In Wednesday!

Wow..3 posts in a week! You must all be bowled over right now! I know I am. Today brings with it another 3 pounds lost. How fitting no? I have been watching what I eat (perhaps indulging in a little extra whip cream or peanuts now and again). My stomach is still getting used to eating this way again. Mostly I seem to have an issue with my lean and green. I always feel nauseous afterwards. Maybe I got some bad lettuce or something?

 I am still not back to exercising yet. I have walked one day this week but I will be walking plenty over the next couple of days. I am taking a mini vacation into NYC with my man (insert big goofy smile here). I mentioned yesterday that I am falling back in love with the city. I am so excited to be there with him, to go exploring in places I have never been. Going to the city used to be a nightmare for me. It's hard to love going to a place where you are sure to suffer at the hands of others. In no other place was I treated so poorly as I was in NYC. Without fail, I would be called horrible names, laughed at, openly stared at, had food thrown at me and had children say the most unimaginable things about me. The list could seriously go on. Not to mention, when you are 380 pounds the last thing you want to do is walk around the city. Even in the winter I would work up a sweat something fierce. I could always write off hating the city as not liking the "hustle and bustle"(I am still not a lover of the big crowds in Times Square). Deep down though I knew I was avoiding all the pain I would feel, emotionally and physically, and who really wants to put themselves through that?

In looking back over my journey I realize now just how limited my life had become. The city is just one example of how I would push back from life. I didn't really get to experience my 20's the way others did. I hid. Behind food, behind my fat, behind a huge wall I had built. I lost friends, almost ruined other friendships and did major damage to my self esteem. All so I could have the "freedom" to eat what I wanted when I wanted. I know there are deeper emotional issues behind that but I feel I have rambled on long enough.

I try to not have regrets, for all the mistakes you make bring you to your present, but I will always mourn the loss of my 20's (not that I will dwell on it because everyone loses their 20's...that whole pesky aging process). I am fortunate enough to have rebuilt and strengthened friendships, to regained my love of things I thought long dead and am finding more ways to love myself. Losing this weight involves getting rid of my old notions and seeing them through a new lens. I am rebuilding my life (which sounds somewhat daunting) and I am going to make sure I live it to the fullest. Happy Wednesday my friends...for today is another day to make changes and see what new things you can build for yourself!
(p.s. not sure when I started sounding like a self help guru..but hey the truth is the truth!)

It's Wednesday already??

Funny story..I had actually planned to make more posts this week in celebration of my upcoming Mediversary. However, as these things go, I have not dedicated any time to it. Life is busy people! However, I promise here and now that I am going to take some me time and really reflect on my earliest posts. They are important in understanding just how far I have come. Also, the sister and I will be doing a photo shoot this evening so new shiny things for you to look at!

In other news..I am down another 2 pounds this week! I am pleased with this, more so because it was an up and down week. I am finding it hard to be 100% but I have done it. I fight with myself each and every day. It's far harder than in the beginning. I think because when I look in the mirror I really like what I see. I can honestly say I feel pretty. Actually pretty doesn't cut it. I feel beautiful. For the first time in my life I can look at my whole body and say (even with it's imperfections, loose skin, bumps and bruises) "I am one good lookin chick". I have an extra swagger in my step which I would only have on a rare occasion before. Therefore I have less of a drive to change it. While I am still in the obese category I feel better than I have in years!! While I still have my goal I know it will take longer to get there than this past 154 pounds did. I am ok with that. This is a life long journey so I have to take it one day at a time (similar to AA one might say)

We've Hit A Milestone!!!

My amazing friends I have hit another major milestone!!! I have lost 9 pounds this week which makes a grand total of 152 pounds lost! I have finally reached my next big goal!! I have been circling this number for almost 2 months now and boy does it feel good to finally break it! I am coming up on my year Mediversary (as many in the Medifast community call it) and I never ever ever thought I would have come so far!

In the coming days I am going to look back over my posts and remember what I was feeling this time last year. I can tell you that at around this time I had already made the choice to start this plan. My amazing friends Mike and Jen were getting married (It was such a special and beautiful day). I knew that it was going to be the feast of a lifetime so I had decided I would start after it. I was merely waiting for the food and for my courage to show up! I was excited but scared. Scared that I would fail, but mostly to disappoint my family and friends. They have always loved me no matter what size (even if most of the time I couldn't allow myself to feel it) I knew they were scared for my health and finally so was I.

More reflections in the  days to come I am sure. For now though it's time to celebrate with another installment of "What does it look like? " You ready???

I've lost a shopping cart full of sugar! I knew I was sweet but daaammmnnnn

I've lost this chair made out of those free AOL CD's that used to litter store registers everywhere. I would like to know who had enough time on their hands to do this (perhaps someone waiting for their dial up Internet to load)

I've lost this collection of pull tabs from the tops of soda cans. I'm not sure what's harder to believe..that I lost 152 pounds or that someone took the time to collect these.

I've lost this screaming eagle (insert nightmare here) statue carved out of Jade.

I've lost this master of the universe..the one and only Darth Vader

Hip Hop Hooray I lost the world's largest cupcake!! (even this random lady is happy for me)

As always I wouldn't be here without the love and support of all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my now much smaller (yet no less powerful in it's capacity to love) heart!

Weigh In Wednesday

Nothing much to report today friends. No loss but no gain either! I am back on plan 100% as of yesterday ( so I am tons of fun to be around right now). I know I will feel better soon and my energy levels will be back up. Until then I am going to retreat into the depths of my own mind and dream of my amazing vacation. It is always hard to come back from a great trip as you wish you could be back there every moment of the passing days. Soon enough though I will be back in my daily routine and the mourning will cease (am I dramatic or what??). In an effort to keep the memories alive a little longer here are some pics from my trip!

Which way to go? Why not both ;)

Mmmm I can remember the taste of the butterbeer. Very very sweet but so good!

The magnificent Hogwarts

The excitement of seeing Cinderella's Castle in the distance! Notice the strategic turning of the body to hide my "pterodactyl wings"

I hope you are all having a great day! Hopefully next week I will be back with some losing news!

Back to Reality

Happy Wednesday Everyone! I am still in post vacation mode (which means I am a total space cadet!). I weighed myself this morning but I knew the numbers wouldn't be kind. I gained 5 pounds. However, I don't give a hoot! I knew I would gain (no matter how much walking we did...and trust me we did A LOT!!). I had so many amazing moments that gaining weight is the least of my worries. I wish there was a way to keep replaying these past 5 days over and over again. Memories to last a lifetime is what I walked away with. The things I will remember the most are:

1. Crying when I could buckle my seat belt on the plane and even have a little extra room. It was momentous.
2. Seeing George Lucas as the opening of Star Wars Weekend
3. Watching the fireworks at Magic Kingdom in the arms of my amazing boyfriend
4. Riding all the rides and never worrying if I could fit them or not.
5. Going swimming after a really hot afternoon in the Magic Kingdom.
6. Getting to see Hogwarts and Hogsmeade

These are just a few of my favorite moments. It was the perfect vacation! I was able to do everything that I wanted which is spectacular. Now back to reality (which is always the worst part). It will take a day or two to really get back into the swing of things but I know I will be back on track in no time! My head defiantly enjoyed eating what I did more than my body did. My body will be the ultimate winner though ;)