Weigh In Wednesday!!

The last Wednesday of 2010 is here folks! I am here to report a 1 pound weight loss. Am I thrilled by that number..not really...however taking into account that it was Christmas and I didn't deviate far from plan (except for a wee bit of indulgence in the realm of diet soda..why do you cripple me so Diet Coke!). Therefore I will take any loss no matter how meager. In order to celebrate the end of 2010 I am going to bring you another installment of "What does it look like?". Let's see what 110 pounds lost looks like....

I lost this Deinonychs (means terrible claw..but I think it means Disco Dino)



I lost Snooki people!! If only my weight loss were able to actually rid us of her for good (actually that's a lie I find her highly ridiculous and therefore highly entertaining)



That's right I lost this insane person..more commonly known as Tyra Banks (Who's America's Next Top Model now bitch!)



I lost this Lego version of Mario (who wants to bet this guy also built himself a girlfriend?)



And my favorite find of the day..this sculpture of Kate Moss showing off her..umm..skills


Wishing you all a Happy New Year! I know I am looking forward to 2011 with a whole ton (110 pounds worth perhaps) of enthusiasm!!

Weigh In Wednesday!!

Happiest of Hump Day to you my friends! With only 3 days to go until Christmas I got a nice little gift early...4 pounds down today! Creeping and crawling down that scale is a fantastic way to enjoy this most wonderful holiday season. Not to mention I had a NSV (non scale victory) yesterday as well. My amazing friend Emily had given me some of her old clothes two months ago. Of course, most of it are things that wouldn't fit me for a while so it was great to have some transition clothes at my disposal. As of last night I could fit into the pair of jeans she gave me!! It was an amazing feeling! I of course tried them on when she gave them to me and they never made it past my thighs. I tried them on as a whim...my current jeans were so baggy I was wondering where my ass was hiding! Sliding into those suckers was a moment of celebration that little could rival ! To know that 2 months ago it was impossible to even get them on and now they fit...outstanding! Even though I know I am getting smaller proof like that is hard for me to ignore (since I of course love to discount myself and my accomplishments)

This Christmas is so different from last year it's hard to believe that it's happening. I am happier than I have been in a long time. An internal happiness that I thought I would never find. I thought I was broken, that happiness was something that other people talked about but would never find a home with me. Oh how wrong I was! It has come to me in ways I didn't expect. Happiness with my body (Accepting it for all it's faults was something I never thought I would do but perhaps it's easy to accept faults when you know it will all be changing anyway). Happiness with who I am (the hardest part of all) and Happiness in where my life is headed. I knew logically that when one area of my life changed that the rest of it would too, I just never believed it would happen to me. I am experiencing so many wonderful things (new body, new clothes, new relationship) that I have to pinch myself to believe it's true. At this time of year when being thankful is the name of the game, I am overflowing with it. Christmas cheer is here and 2011 is going to rock so hard I don't think it has any idea what I am going to do to it!

To all my friends who celebrate..MERRY CHRISTMAS!! To all of those who don't I hope you enjoy your days off and get to have some much deserved fun!

Weigh In Wednesday!!

Happy Wednesday Everyone! While I am feeling under the weather (not really sure how or why that phrase means what it means....) so this post will be short and sweet. I am down another 3 pounds this week which I am thrilled about. After the past few weeks (minus last week of course) of losing small amounts I am getting better at accepting them! 3 pounds is less than last week and 105 less than 24 weeks ago. I hope everyone is having a great Wednesday and you can avoid this sickness that is currently making it's way through my system!

Weigh In Wednesday!!

I am proud to announce that I have made it folks..I am down 102 pounds!!!! That would make this week's loss 6 pounds( I am pretty sure I can thank cutting back on the soda for that one!). I  am so incredibly proud of myself (watch out everyone, my ego is growing by the day!). I did this..me..Lynne Meaghan Molloy did this!!! I always read those articles in People magazine or some other trashy tabloid about how real people lost 100 pounds. I don't know about you but I would day dream..what would that be like? What would that feel like to accomplish something like that? Now I don't have to dream anymore because baby it's real!! It feels wonderful ( I can't really find a word grand enough to describe it so wonderful will do) I am fitting into a size that I haven't seen in years ( I think I may have even blown right past it on my way up). I can walk without fear that I will be too tired by the end of it. I can go into the city without worrying about standing out so much ( I mean I am still fat but far less fat!). I can fit into movie theater seats, Broadway seats & booths at restaurants. The closer I get to my goal the more I will be able to do and I am truly looking forward to that!

In honor of this momentous occasion I am bringing you another installment of "What does it look like?"...Ready??

I figured why not start off with the obligatory fat shot...That is 100 pounds of fat..gone forever from this body of mine!

A rubber band ball (my question is was this a goal of someones? To create something so pointless?)

I have lost this hamburger (I am pretty sure that thing must taste like shoe leather)

I always wanted to win an Oscar!!! (I wonder if they have an Oscar for Greatest Weight Loss Story??)

                                   He's taken ladies!!!...I lost this guy's "girlfriend "(Are times that tough that you need a plastic doll to keep you company? Perhaps it better this way for all the single ladies out there)

Thank you all again for your continued support! I am an incredibly lucky woman indeed! I am looking forward to my celebratory Taco Salad dinner tonight and to dream of what 150 pounds lost will look like!

Weigh In Wednesday

Happy December Everyone! The total today is a mere 2 pounds bringing me to 96 pounds lost. I believe I have a handle on what I need to do to ramp up again. I have been having far too much diet soda and maybe not being as careful with my protein choices. I need to refocus myself and get back to being a little stricter with such things. Its hard with the holidays and eating out as much as I have/will be doing. However, I know that any loss is a good thing especially during a time of year where most people gain! I am trying here folks to stay positive so bear with me if my enthusiasm isn't over flowing.

Weigh In Wednesday!!!

Happy Turkey Eve Everyone!! Also known as Faux Friday (gotta love a 3 day work week!). Today is a very minor WIW..only down 1 pound. Better than gaining or not losing a thing so I will take it! Not every week is going to be some stunning showcase of weight loss! I had a fantastic weekend in Newport and I ate incredibly well (and on plan!) the entire time. I also walked a ton so perhaps I am just retaining water or something silly like that! If I can make it through the Holiday season without gaining any weight, without going off plan and keeping my sanity I will consider it a win all around!

In honor of Thanksgiving tomorrow I am going to tell you what I am thankful for (seeing as the alternative would be to celebrate the actual happenings of Thanksgiving...but I am not in a "steal your land for shiny beads and oh by the way would you like small pox with a side of alcoholism with that?" mood!)

I am thankful for....

My amazing support system (made of up you dear readers and various other folks) You are all amazing people and help me to see the light through my often dark haze of self loathing. I appreciate you more than mere words can express ( I would have made you a float for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade but I felt that would have been too showy and ironic)

Medifast..without this plan I would be 94 pounds (possibly more) heavier and wondering how all those other people lose weight without going on the Biggest Loser or having a private trainer.

All the amazing NSV I have had over the past few months (with many more to come)

Gaining my sense of self back in small increments. Its still a work in progress but I can say now that I at least know more about who I am and what my core values are.

That's all I can think of for now but it's a pretty good list! Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

Weigh In Wednesday!!

Happy Hump Day everyone! A slow week here at TFSTT...lost 2 pounds this week. Just another baby step towards that wonderful 100 pounds lost! Just a mere 7 pounds away...I can almost taste it!

I feel as if I should bulk up this post somehow seeing as how I don't really write much these days. I just don't have much to write about. Which means good things. I am busy, seeing friends, going on dates, having dodgeball parties (turning 30 is awesome let me tell ya!). I leave for Newport, RI tomorrow with my amazing friend Emily and I am beyond excited. Not only because I get to see historic homes that I have always wanted to see but because I get uninterrupted time with my dear friend. There is also the knowledge that I no longer have to struggle with a myriad of things. Let's take a look at that list shall we?

1. Fitting into a booth in a restaurant (You have no idea how amazing it is to me to be able to do that again..such a small thing but huge in my world)

2. Walk around all day without getting sweaty and exhausted (the sweaty part is really the best part..I won't miss that at all)

3. Spend less money since I will only be eating out once a day instead of several times!

4. Getting stared at because I am laughing not because of how I look (there may still be stares for that reason but they are far less these days)

Weigh In Wednesday!!

It's that time again people...Wednesday has arrived and it brings with it great news...7 pounds lost this week!! Which brings me to a grand total of 91 pounds lost in 5 months!! Sometimes I am unable to take in the gravity of my weight loss but today I am going to bask in it! I am a mere 9 pounds away from 100 lost and that is unfathomable for me. Never ever in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be here and in such a short amount of time. I had heard of others doing the same but I never believed it was coming my way. I am still dealing with feelings of being unworthy but today I will shelf that and allow myself to feel great! In honor of this I bring to you my favorite segment "What does it look like?".

I lost these antlers (he must have been a HUGE hit with the lady elk)

The obligatory Rhino shot...see ya later Baby Rhino that was my ass!

I lost this butter sculpture of someone called "Princess of the Milky Way" (She kind of looks like Laura Bush to me...so I lost Laura Bush off my mid section..pretty sweet!)

I lost this Armageddon suit (my question is do you really want to be weighed down during the Armageddon? I think not..)

 

And one of my all time favorite finds...this insane man's Guinness World Record Bee Suit 

(the bee beard/top hat is merely a bonus)

Weigh In Wednesday!

Hi Everyone..I am going to make this short and sweet..I lost 4 pounds this week which brings me finally into twosville! I am happy about it but at the same time I am not really seeing a big difference in my body from 40 pounds ago. I am not saying I don't see a difference at all but just not anything to jump up and down about. I realize it's strange for other people to hear how kind of dismissive I am of all the weight I've lost but to be honest, it's not a struggle. It's not something I work hard at anymore so I don't really feel like all the praise is something I need. It's just my every day life now so even writing this blog seems somewhat strange. For someone who wishes for moderation in politics I certainly live in extremes. If it's not a huge struggle or something that make a big impact I dismiss it. I should probably explore that more but for another day!
Happy Wednesday Everyone!

Weigh In Wednesday

Happy Wednesday Y'all. I am pleased to announce that I have met yet another goal...80 POUNDS PEOPLE!!! Booyah! Which means I lost 2 pounds this week and those 2 pounds feel as good as 20 because I am about to cross a threshold that I haven't seen in a long time. By next week I will be out of the 300's and into the 2's. That's right...my starting weight was 380 pounds (my insides are twisting as I write that). There is a sense of shame that comes with admitting that and yet pride that I am no longer there (which is why I told ya).
In honor of this tremendous milestone I am bringing you some more "What does it look like"!

I have lost the gingerbread it took to make this White House replica (The icing weighed an additional 30 pounds but we won't count that just yet)

Ring the bell folks!! I lost this original train station bell (I ring too if you shake me back and forth)

I've lost one of these wheels of Parmigiana (mmmm how I miss thee Parm..but its nice to not have you on my ass anymore!)

Now that I have lost this Iron Man suit does this mean I can now be a superhero?!?!

And my ultimate favorite...I have lost this Spa to Go (minus the creepy couple..I can't figure out if she is saying something like "Oh Dave you silly man" while giving him a come hither stare or if she is saying "Whoa buddy that is NOT the knob to turn the jets on")

A Case of the Shoulds

We all do this...we all tell ourselves what we SHOULD be doing with our lives instead of stopping to ask what we WANT to do. Here are the shoulds that I think rule my life at the moment.

I should be....

More successful
Have a career instead of just a job
Be in a relationship
Clearing out my debt
Have a passion for something
Want to have children

To be honest the only one of those shoulds that I actually want to figure out is the passion. I want to find it again. The truth is that I need to drop all of the pressure I feel to figure out the other things and focus on that. On learning again. On exploring new things to see what I like and what I don't like. How can I be successful if I don't know what I want to be successful at? I know very few things for sure. I know I want to own a home someday and live in it with my husband. I think in order to get those things I need to do the hard work of trying and failing. No one is good at failing but I need to. I need to see what I really want to do. I want to give myself the liberty to fuck some things up because at this point in my life there is little I can do that will truly mess up my future. I am not going to quit my job and spend a year finding myself by backpacking through Europe. The time for such things has passed. What I am going to do is enroll in some classes, any classes that stimulate me. I am not in it to get a degree I just want to see what subjects interest me. This is the easiest thing I can think of to do to try and stimulate my search for passion. Any other ideas?

I'm Listening Universe

It seemed that yesterday was the Universe trying to let me know something. We had the author Junot Diaz at our school for a large all day event that I helped to plan. He came and spoke with the freshmen class who have all read his book "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao". He was a down to earth, frank, intelligent, engaging person and some of what he said really stuck with me.

He spoke about what the true meaning of an education is. He said that if you go through school with your fists raised and defensive, you will never truly get an education. In order to be transformed by higher education you have to open yourself and become vulnerable. To new ideas, to challenge your perception of yourself, to try things you are scared to try or never wanted to try. He spoke of how he never did this as an undergraduate but rather as a graduate student. I can totally relate to this..except that I never have opened myself up. I am perpetually scared to try new things and become adamantly stubborn when there is something I don't want to do. Rather than opening myself up and seeing what it might be like I just write it off. Then I wonder why I feel so empty (duh Lynne..use a little logic here!). We all do everything we can to not get hurt but I wonder if I am not hurting myself more by not trying (I am going with yes on this one).

He also said "I don't want to be liked, I want to be understood". He went on to explain that being liked means that you are just alright, that you meet some basic criteria for the other person but it is on a superficial level. To truly understand a person you have to care, you have to invest yourself, and have compassion. It is not an easy thing to do to understand someone. I am lucky to have people in my life who understand me, and take me for who I am, faults and all. It gave me pause to realize that I have rare friendships and that I am truly blessed.

Later that night, when out to dinner with my great friend Josh, we spoke of something similar. Granted it was geared toward my love life (I know your saying what love life?). He spoke about how I should try and push myself out of my comfort zone (we all know just how much I love to do that!). It's true though. I have always looked for men on bbw (Big beautiful women in case you don't know) sites. These sites are geared towards men who find women of my size or any woman larger than the average attractive. I have had no luck (and some seriously negative experiences) on "regular" dating sites in the past. While I am smaller now that I have been in a long time I still don't think I can join one of the "regular"sites. I just think it will be setting myself up for failure. However, as Josh pointed out, I need to step out of my comfort zone and if I fail, then no big deal since I am expecting it to anyway.

Now I don't know if I am the only one, but it seems the Universe is sending me a big ole hint. Get out and try something. Anything new,anything that challenges you to feel uncomfortable. Starting this weight loss journey was most certainly not comfortable (it was scary as hell!) and it has turned out to be a good thing. Stay tuned folks, let's see how much I can push myself shall we?

Weigh-In Wednesday!!

Happy Wednesday Everybody! This week we have ourselves another loss...of 5 pounds! Which means I am a mere 2 pounds away from reaching my 80 pound goal!!! I can't believe that I am going to be turning 30 in a few weeks and it looks like I am on track to not only meet my goal of 80 pounds lost but I may just blow right by it!

I still can't believe sometimes that I am going strong and staying on track even after 13 weeks. It really has become second nature at this point. My biggest struggles are with the personal issues I still face but eating is no longer a concern. I know what I am doing and I do it well. Yes I face obstacles and sometimes disbelief from people when I say No to certain things (mostly drinking which surprises me since I am not a big drinker to begin with).

On my way to work today I was daydreaming about my biggest goal...being on The Amazing Race. It seems more and more possible as the weeks go by. That in and of itself is reason to keep going. I want to be on that show so bad that I can taste it! I know that it might seem like a strange goal to some but it would be the ultimate reward...getting to be a part of something I love (T.V.) and to travel the world like I  haven't been able to do (part money part physical limitations). So I say..get ready to meet me Phil cuz I'm gonna blow your mind next year!!

Early Birthday Surprise!!!

To say I had a great weekend would be an understatement! My sister & mom threw me a surprise 30th birthday party that I am sure to never forget! First off...the fact that they had been planning for months is amazing. I can't imagine how much time and effort this must have taken them! Secondly I had no clue..it was a true and genuine surprise! I didn't have to fake it or anything! It was amazing to see so many of my friends and family there to celebrate little (well getting there ) old me! I am still kind of overwhelmed by the whole thing. My brain seems to think it was all a dream and perhaps that is because the night was somewhat of a blur. Even more amazing...I didn't have a piece of birthday cake (and I was the one cutting it!). To be honest I was just so happy and trying to take it all in that it was hard enough to eat my meals.

While my birthday is still 4 weeks (round about) away it was great to have something done just for me. I feel incredibly lucky to have these amazing people in my life. Especially my amazing sister and mother for doing all the hard work and keeping it a secret for months! I guess I will just have to keep celebrating turning 30 until my actual birthday..you know just to keep up with appearances and all that.

The good, the bad & the ugly

What I can and can't do is ever changing over these past 4 months. Here are some of the things that I can now do that I couldn't do before...

Sit comfortably in a booth at a restaurant
Sit "Indian style" (I know there is a more pc term for it out there but forgive me) on my couch
Walk up stairs without feeling the need to call the paramedics
Not sweat half as much when doing simple physical things
Make smarter food choices at restaurants (while only momentarily feeling a need to order something fatty and horrible for me)
Inadvertently inspire other people to do better things for themselves (which is incredibly strange and foreign to me)

Things I can't do...

Stay positive about the rest of my life (weight loss I got covered, now the rest of my life is in focus and I can't find my way through it)
Have faith that I will find what it is I am looking for (optimism is not my strong suit and never has been)
Accepting the compliments I have been getting without looking for some reason to deny them (even if I keep it to myself)
Believe that I  will find my sense of purpose

I have found myself drowning in my own self hate as of late. Which of course means I am keeping it to myself because that is what I always do. I internalize because I know that if I talk about it I will hear things like "Of course your amazing" or "I don't understand how you can see yourself this way" or "You will find it/him/yourself someday". Those things just serve to make me feel like I am more alone or defensive. I am actually quite defensive about my self hatred. I protect it and continue to fuel it. I don't know if it is because it is the belief system that I have built for myself and to question it means to lose what little sense of self I have. Or if it just my natural stubbornness shining through.Either way I recognize that doing this has not served me well in the past so it is the least I can do. I can let it out and let you know it's going on. I am not looking for words of encouragement or to fish for compliments but rather to be honest about where my mind is at. Loving oneself is harder than any amount of weight I need to lose. This is my challenge. This is my goal. Not to be thin or healthy (while both good side effects) but to find out why I feel this big gaping hole and why I can never ever seem to fill it.

Weigh In Wednesday!!

I know I haven't been writing very much and for that I am sorry!! I promise to try and keep better track of my thoughts and emotions dear reader. Not just for your reading enjoyment but for my sanity as well (because we all know how I live on the edge of sanity every day!)

Now for what you have all been waiting for...In 4 months I have lost a total of 73 pounds! How you like me now!!! That means I lost 8 pounds this week ( I swear I never know what my body is going to do so I have given up trying to figure it out). I think it is time for another treat for you my faithful friends..."What Have I Lost??"

Evidently this incredibly creepy Japanese Toodlerbot weighs a whopping 73 pounds.(so now not only can it haunt your dreams but if it falls on you it just might kill you)

                                           I have lost this bio engineered calf (Cloning at it's best)

I

I have lost the dentures that cover this car..known as the Chubaru (Looks like someone either really loves dental artistry or they have been sniffing too much Polident)

I have lost this amazing Amethyst specimen (Would that be too much to hang around my neck you think?)

 Last but not least I lost this Gargoyle thing..(perfect for guarding your dreams or letting everyone know just how much you wish you were a part of the Addams Family.)

Thank you to everyone who keeps supporting me on this up and down journey I am on. I am thrilled with my progress. I will be turning 30 in a mere 4 weeks and I may be smaller than I have been in most of my 20's. It is exciting!!

Weigh-In Wednesday

Hello my friends! Today brings with it a loss of 3 pounds. I am pretty happy about it considering that I was away all weekend and had to eat my Lean & Green out each day. Perhaps all the walking helped to counterbalance it all. In honor of losing weight this week I thought I would share some recent NSV's (non-scale victories).

1. I was finally able to buy new pants! It feels good to be able to wear pants that fit again(even if they will be loose again in a few weeks)

2. I was able to sit comfortably in a booth!! That for me is a big deal as it is something that I avoid doing 95% of the time.

3. I can see that I actually have shoulders! It gives me a little leap in my heart when I see myself in tank tops. My arms on the other hand are morphing all the time. I swear it's like the fat is ebbing and flowing.

A short list to be sure but I am proud of each and every one of them! I hope you all have a fantastic Wednesday!

Weigh In Wednesday

I don't have much to say today. I didn't lose anything today..in fact I gained .08 which I wasn't even going to report seeing as it is not a full pound but still. I know I didn't do anything off plan this week so I am a bit baffled as to what is going on. I know it's not muscle seeing as I didn't do anything to warrant the gain of muscle. I am going to review what I ate over the past week and see where I may need to modify. I am choosing to not let this get me down. I could sit here and sulk about it but really..it's the first time in 14 weeks that I haven't lost even a pound. That is pretty good on most diets. When I used to do weight watchers (halfheartedly mind you) I would fluctuate between losing and gaining every week. Since I will be going away this weekend I think my challenge is going to be even greater for next week. Which is why it would have been great to have lost this week seeing as I will be eating out for my lean & green all weekend. There is a lesson here though. Life goes on. I won't stop living my life because I didn't lose anything this week. I know I am doing my utmost best each and every single day so I can't ask much more from myself. Onward and upward (and yes, this is really Lynne writing..I know it's weird seeing such mildly positive stuff on what could have been a shitty day huh? I guess I am changing....)

It's Picture Time

This is for all of my lovely friends who asked me where my pictures were! I hope you enjoy my short little flick (In true Lynne fashion I couldn't just post them like a normal person!!)

A big thank you to my amazing sister, Tracey for being the photographer of my journey!

Weigh-In Wednesday!!

Happy Wednesday Everyone! I am sure that by my cheerful salutation that you know it has been a good weigh in for me..and you my smart & observant friends would be right! I am down another 6 pounds baby (holler at me!) which makes for a grand total of ....62 POUNDS!! Booyahhhhhh! It feels pretty awesome to reach over the 60 pound marker I have to say! It's a major accomplishment! So to bask in the glory that is my great loss I bring to you another installment of  "What Have I Lost?!?!?"....

I have lost this pallet of Coca~Cola! (Pretty sure there is enough soda here to party until the Apocalypse)

I have lost  what I can only assume is a medieval "pimp hand" (How the hell to you give a fist pump/bump with 60 pounds of gold on it?)

Ummm yeah..what?? I lost a freaking washer??? How is that even possible? A canoe was pretty impressive but a washing machine? That's insanity people..pure, unadulterated insanity!

To cap it all off I think that perhaps I will purchase this snazzy shirt to let strangers know just how much I am kicking ass right now...

However by the time I receive it I will be closer to 70 pounds lost and then I will want one that says that instead..(do you see a vicious cycle starting here because I sure do!).

Weigh In Wednesday!!

Good Morrow all my faithful Lynninites(catchy huh?). Weigh in Wednesday is brought to you today by the letter P (for Protein) and the number 2. As in I lost 2 pounds this week. Better than nothing right? I know what you will all say "Come on Lynne, that's still great! A loss is a loss". I know your right but as you all know I tend to beat myself up a lot (its actually very annoying but I can't seem to get rid of it).

Last night I gave myself some time to ponder over the question "Why". As in.."why do I not value myself" or "why do I think of myself as weak" or the ever present "why can't I look in the mirror without seeing my faults"?. The answer is lack of self esteem. I have anywhere from 0 to 40 on a scale of 100 (depending on the situation I am in). I am fully aware of how other's perceive me (in fact I am hyper aware since this is the only way I seem to feel worth..is through others) however, I do not (or cannot) seem to have faith in what they say. I know people find it really hard to believe the things I think about myself because I do have a strong personality (once you get to know me). The truth is, it's an act. It's a well crafted facade that has served me well over the years. I do not believe in it one bit. I am wee bit of a charlatan (carpet bagger of the soul if you will).

This is what I need/want/have to change about myself. That last post about finding a hobby made me realize I don't need a hobby...I need me. While I think that the elements of finding a hobby will be essential in my gaining self confidence, it won't be the hobby that will make me different, it will be challenging myself to face my fears. Fear of rejection and failure ( I think the fear of birds will be staying in tact though). I need to stop seeking ques from others that I am doing well. I need to tell myself that (which feels about as comfortable as jabbing needles in my eyes).

My question is how do I do this? Is it through daily affirmations (which feel completely ridiculous to me but perhaps that is a sign that I should do them since I clearly have no clue what I am doing)?. Do I go back to therapy? Do I join a support group (which I have my misgivings about for several reasons)? Do I pick up a bunch of self-help books and go through them one lesson at a time? I don't know where to start but I need to just pick something and do it. I need to do my homework in whatever thing I decide to do. Therapy was always helpful to a point, until it came to actually doing things (like keeping a journal, doing writing exercises or affirmations).

If only my stubbornness could be directed towards good (since it only seems to be directed at things that might help me). If I were as pig headed about positive goals as I seem to be about my own demise then I could truly be unstoppable! That's the new goal then people. To shift the focus and move away from destruction and towards repair. Perhaps I will start off slow, by listening to this song every day and letting the message seep in. What do you think?

Live in the Present...

Today while out with my wonderful friend Diane I saw this bracelet...

It made me think of this...

It's a beautiful reminder of exactly what I need to be focusing on. I feel in such a rush to figure out my life. To find my path. The truth is there are some things in life that you can't rush. Some things you can plan for in the future (i.e. retirement) but the rest is up in the air. It also means I can no longer dwell on the past. The past is where my fears come from. I am scared to try things because in the past I failed at them or something like them. I can no longer let my past dictate my future. It's important to keep the lessons learned from past mistakes but they shouldn't hold you back. This is true for all areas of life. Just because I let my dream of being in the theater go because of failure doesn't mean I can't try again. Just because love has come and gone doesn't mean it won't come back again. I know it will sound incredibly silly but this bracelet gives me hope. Hope that I can keep my focus on those 4 little words instead of the fear.

Get a Hobby!

I have a question for all you people out there...how do you figure out what you like? I know how utterly silly that sounds but it's a genuine question. I am in desperate need of something, anything, to help me figure out who I am. While I realize that what we do does not define us but rather the content of our character (Jeez...I should lead some sort of revolution with rhetoric like that). However, I am bored. Bored and out of places to hide. I need to expand my horizons here people. While I may be getting smaller I want my world to get bigger. It was one of my main goals of losing weight in the first place. How the heck do you start though?

I spent some serious hours last night trying to find different "meet up groups". It seems, however, that you either have to be a mommy in desperate need of drinks with the girls, into some sort of Triathlon/hiking/biking/steroid induced sport type activity or into subjecting yourself to singles gatherings (which if movies & TV have taught me anything, never ever work out well). I also don't feel like spending an arm and a leg (inflation is such a bitch now that it would prob cost an eye as well) to try out an art class that I am doomed to fail (while I may be creative I have yet to get down that whole "get your hands to create that pretty thing in your head" part). I thought a book club perhaps but let's get serious...no young people attend book clubs. Or at least not round these parts. This is where my search has ended because evidently you can't Google "Tell me what to do with my free time" and get anything of merit. Therefore, I am asking for your help my good friends. Can you help me? Pretty please with Splenda on top!!

Weigh in Wednesday!!

So my friends, how is your Wednesday going? Mine is fine and dandy...what? Oh...right...my weight loss for the week...Only down 1 pound. However, it seems that this is fairly predictable. Having my "visitor" seems to do the same thing each month. The week before the weight is off like gang busters and the week of/during my body is being greedy and holding on to each fat cell like it's the last pair of Gucci boots at Bergdorf's (can I please ask what that's about? Perhaps when I am smaller I will understand the allure of such things..). 

A loss is far better than a gain and surprisingly I am not sad about only losing a pound (shocking right?). What I am sad about though is my recent little trip to Melencholia(Lucky for me I am merely a tourist and not a resident). Despite my amazing friends and family I have been feeling lonely. This journey of mine is something that (ultimately) I must walk alone and for some reason it's coming down on me. Overall I feel good and I am happy with the results I am seeing. However, as each day passes and the novelty of starting something new wears off I have to keep reminding myself why I am doing this. So rather than spend more time in this one horse town I am going to remind myself of why I started this journey...won't you join me on this trip down memory lane!

To be a healthier, happier, more able bodied Me
To find out who Me is without this heavy armor I wear
To physically not be held back anymore
To be an active participant in my own life instead of a bench warmer
To see the beauty of my body in every stage
To love myself

All of these reasons are great and I feel better having written them. This, my friends, is a long, long, long journey I am on. It won't be over anytime soon and patience has never been my strong suit. However, with each day I see more of the things I can do and less of the things I can't. I will focus on those instead of the food I can't eat or the boredom I feel.

Weigh In Wednesday!!

So after my rant yesterday I knew that today I would have reason to celebrate (because the Universe loves it when I eat my words). I have done it folks..I have reached my biggest goal yet...I lost 7 pounds this week!!! Making that (can you stand it!!) 53 pounds lost!!!! What? Insanity people!! I am head over heels and yet in disbelief that I reached this goal before my birthday! Now I will have to come up with new goals and rewards for myself (I am open to all suggestions!). In celebration of my success lets see what my weight loss looks like shall we?

                  Evidently I am drug bust worthy now! 53 pounds of Mary Jane people!

I lost this World War II replica toy plane (nothing says weight loss like fighter planes I've always said)

         I lost this most essential of items...An AC unit (and funny story..I am a lot cooler these day)

Last but not least...I lost this over sized (understatement of the century) Cigar..my lungs hurt just looking at this bad boy!

There you have it folks, another successful weigh in! Onward we go for another week...

The Airing of Grievances

Here are some things that I am having a wee bit of trouble with recently. I figured there wasn't a better place to talk about them than my much neglected blog (sorry everyone..I know your lives hinge on my every word hahah)

1. Feeling like an outcast. How so you ask? Food is the center of our society and when you can't "participate" it leaves me feeling like some sort of leper (minus that whole limbs falling off bit). It's hard saying No all the time. I am bit resentful of it as well. When I get to see others eating normally I am thinking " Damn you and that dip your eating!!"

2. Feeling like I have to defend the program I am on. Medifast is intense (double rainbow intense some may say) and highly restrictive. I know that everyone I talk to about my weight loss is just over the moon happy for me but when they hear that I can't eat ..oh I don't know...95% of the food available in the world...they tend to become incredulous. I understand that for most of them they are thinking "I could never do that..how are you doing that". I realize that it is in admiration that they say things like that but it can still weigh on me.

3. Not truly enjoying my success. I see how much I have lost and for some reason all I can see is how far I need to go. While I am not trying to diminish my success I also realize that my weight loss won't stay this rapid forever and I am worried that I won't ride the "wave" long enough. Which means that it will take that much longer to my goal.

Now I fully embrace and realize that this is all negative thinking of my part. It is my sensitive, whiny, dare I say it... G coming back to haunt me. The truth about weight loss (like any major life changing thing) is it's fucking hard. Not every day and it's not the plan that's hard. It's the emotions. The self doubt, the rebuilding of boundaries, trying to keep the focus on me and not finding outside people to focus on. These are my real challenges and they will continue to follow me on this journey. The more I lose the more I will uncover. Therefore, I recognize that it is ok to have bad days. It's ok to not be positive every single moment of the day. Because if I did that then I wouldn't be being honest with who I am or what I am feeling. I have spent 20-some odd years trying to stuff them down and shut them up. G will always be with me, feeding me lies, but the difference I realize now, is that I don't need to kill him. Rather I need to embrace him as part of me thus lessening his power and influence over me. Once G feels like part of the family he will be less likely to cause trouble (at least that's my theory). Tomorrow will be a day to rejoice in whatever weight loss I have but tonight was for the airing of grievances (If you don't know of Festivus you should)

Weigh in Wednesday!!

Hello everyone! I am sorry that I haven't been around at all this week but what's a popular girl to do! Popular and sick..never a good combo! However, I am pleased to bring you this weeks weigh in...ready???...Down another 5 pounds! This means I am a mere 4 pounds away from my 50 pound goal?? Can you freaking believe it?? I don't know where it's all going (is there a heaven or hell for fat cells?). The thrill of losing weight is something that never gets old. While my plan may have it's moments of boredom (only so much pudding one person can stand) I am never bored with how great it feels to see that scale move ever downwards. My emotions have been a bit up and down this week but I think that has more to do with being sick than anything else. So it looks like I am going to have to come up with a new set of goals here (can't believe that either!). Any suggestions??

Weigh -In Wednesday!

Good morning everyone! How are you today? Me? I am FANTASTIC!!!! Why you ask? I do believe that is because I have reached my next goal!!  That is a loss this week of 3 pounds and a grand 2 month total (can you believe it?? I can't believe how time is flying!) of 41 FREAKING POUNDS!  WooooooHoooooo! I believe it is time for another installment of "What my weight loss looks like"!! (Just as a side note I couldn't find anything that was cool enough at 41 pounds so these are 40 pounds)

How about the gold plating on this Porsche? (Gotta love those crazy Russians! Donald Trump could learn a thing or two from them!)

I have official lost a cabbage! I could win a state fair or something!

And of course, life and this blog would not be complete without a 40 pound sculpture of a Star Wars AT-AT made entirely of Bacon!!

Onward to face my day with a smile on my face! Hope you will all do the same!

Let Me Hear Your Body Talk...

I have always heard about people who said that their body talked to them (insert sideways glance here). I thought mine did too, telling me to have that extra slice of cake or saying "Of course you should have bacon with that don't be ridiculous!". Lies people, dirty, dirty lies! That wasn't my body at all, it was that slimy underhanded G (I will give it to him he is good at his job). I never knew the distinction between hunger and want, need vs. greed. I thought I knew my body. I could not have been more wrong. I have put my body in a corner and ignored it for the past 20 odd years. Now though, you can't shut it up! It is always telling me things even when I don't want to listen. I now know what hunger feels like. I know the difference between G wanting something and my body wanting something.

The most startling example of this shift came yesterday. I was woken up at 8am on a Sunday by none other than body herself (believe you me I was pissed at her but I can't argue..she wouldn't listen anyway). My brain ( I can't say G since I don't think it was him this time) was thinking "ok get up and do what you need to but then we are going straight back to bed". Ha ha ha..if only. I climbed back into bed only to lay there for 5 minutes until I heard a voice saying "I want to go for a walk". Ummm what the fuck? Excuse me it is 8 am on a Sunday, isn't there some sort of law against that? "I want to go for a walk". Simple, to the point and relentless. That phrase rattled on until I could no longer take it and I got up, put on my kicks and headed out for a mile walk. Shock and awe people, shock and awe. My brain was pissed but my body had taken over, she was running the show. Eventually though, my brain caught up and enjoyed itself. Let me tell you, my body is one smart lady. Not only did I feel great after my walk,I felt like I had accomplished something for my day. I was now free to enjoy the lovely day I had planned knowing that I did something just for me. While it may take my brain more time to ease into this transition of letting my body have a voice, I am looking forward to it. My body seems to be quite smart and not so driven by emotion as simple need. This is the dawning of the age of my body (forget that Aquarius dude he was bad news anyway). 

Of course I couldn't leave this post without addressing the fact that I used an Olivia Newton John lyric as my title..I know you are all singing it in your head anyway so I thought I would help you out (the red head rockin the stach is my favorite! hehe)

Weigh In Wednesday!!!

Welcome to another installment of Weigh In Wednesday everyone! I am happy to announce that I am down another 5 pounds!! Which means that I am only 2 pounds away from 40 pounds lost!! Here are some things I am beginning to see with 38 pounds gone forever! :


1. My energy level is finally up!! I actually have a hard time sitting still (which is seriously cutting into my television watching but that's not such a bad thing)

2. I can no longer wear my former favorite pair of jeans (While there are some who might want to see my pants around my ankles I don't think the general public would appreciate it)

3. I walk taller (which is a hard feat for a 5'4 lady)

4. It is easier for me to concentrate and remember things (I have no scientific proof that this is linked to my diet change but I have no other reason for it)

5. I don't wake up several times a night anymore (however my dreams are not as crazy which I kind of miss)

The best part of all is that I am finally plugged into my life. I am present and accountable and taking each day in stride. I finally feel like an independent woman with purpose. I think I am becoming a better friend (I know highly presumptuous of me but let me know if I am wrong) a better daughter and better sister all because I am becoming a better me. Alright..that's enough sap from me (besides it's high in calories & sugar!). Hope everyone has a great day!

Hey There Good Lookin!

I finally got around to giving myself my reward for losing 30 pounds(a new haircut in case you don't know)! May I present the new and improved Lynne (you may begin clapping now!)...

I am so incredibly happy with it!! And um can you say hi  no more huge double chin! I mean I still have more "underchin" (new word..I may or may  not add it to the lynictionary(Lynne + Dictionary)...also another new word!) than I would like but this picture makes me so happy! My cheeks no longer get in the way of my eyes when I smile!! Hurray!

Also for your viewing pleasure is a comparison of my old profile picture and the new haircut pic. Can you see the changes?? I can :)

Stirrings..

I am beginning to have the familiar stirrings in my heart and head..those stirrings that lead me to poor decisions & more emptiness. This stirring, however, is not about food (shocker). It's my want/desire/need to connect emotionally with someone (lets get serious I am talking about a man). I have to wonder why all of a sudden this stirring has come about so sharply in the past 2 weeks. Is it G trying to throw a distraction my way so I fall off my path? Is it that I finally feel ready to let someone in to my all too sensative heart? Is it that I finally believe I am worthy of the attention?

I am leaning towards G personally. I don't think I am ready to connect with someone new. I mean I love the thrill of the new and unexplored, the butterflies it produces and the wonderful way it seems to change the colors of the world. However, I know that I am not secure enough in who I am and what I want yet to really pursue something serious. Now that being said do I really need something serious? Can I casually do this dance? I am going to say No. I wasn't good at casual before my journey and I don't think being on it has changed that fact about me. Of course I want the attention (because who doesn't) but I have learned that  attention comes at a high price. I become a weak, pathetic version of myself that I simply loathe.

All of this doesn't change the fact that I have a longing. A day dream of meeting the man who will love me and be my partner (no prince charming's need apply I want me a real man). However, I know that relationships are hard work and right now I am taking on all the hard work I can handle. So I am hoping that this longing will die down a bit because I am not really sure how to stop it (besides stabbing it in the night)

Weigh In Wednesday!!

I sadly do not have spectacular news to share this Wednesday. Only down 1 pound which is a slight kick in the gut. It was bound to happen but I guess the only solace is that it is still in the right direction (who knew down could be a good direction?). I am not sure what the cause is but I have a few (albeit outlandish) ideas...

1. It's a conspiracy against me by the fast food companies (That Wendy girl can be a straight up bitch!) to lure me back to their side...their dark, deep fried, convenient side (I shan't go I tell ya!)

2. My ass is perfectly happy at the size it is and is staging a protest with my flabby arms and stomach to be accepted just the way it is (Evidently my ass is a hippie...at least it doesn't reek of patchouli!)

3. Local farmers can't keep up with my consumption of vegetables so they are adding hidden carbs and fat to my leafy greens.

4. My neighbors are tired of hearing my Magic Bullet at 8am so they have broken in and tampered with my Medifast meals (I would at least kind of understand this..I can't stand the MB at 8am myself!)

However, more likely, it is just my body playing games again. I had my "visitor" (there has got to be a classier way to say that) which was a doozie this time around (pain killers would have been awesome!) so that might have something to do with it. I  know I haven't been getting in as much water as I have in the past. I have increased my activity level, which on this plan could be working against me. So back to my 100 oz of water a day and maybe going one less block on my walks.

A Look Inside...

 I haven't had the urge to write as much as I am sure you can all tell (I so love pointing out the obvious!). Perhaps it is because I am settling into the plan and it feels more like my every day life now. Perhaps it is because I find myself talking about this journey all the time(therefore I  have more outlets than just here to talk about my emotions). Normally, at this point (a month or so in) I would being to look for ways to sabotage myself. To find the excuses to have that slice of cake (and let's face it there are a MILLION reasons to have cake). To not be so careful about what I eat for my "lean and green". To setup my friends and family for my inevitable failure by shunning any compliments or not talking openly about what I am doing. However, this time, I don't think I am going to fail. I don't feel failure lurking behind corners and calling to me from pies and doughnuts.

I am happier now than I have been in such a long time( I cry as I write this). There is a joy in me that I have not felt in, God I can't even begin to say when I lost it. I finally understand what happiness is. It is not the "jump up and down" glee that I thought it was (even though those moments are awesome). It is much deeper than that. It is in the way I see the world, the way I value my life, the way I fiercely want to show everyone I love just how much they mean to me. It's in the small things too. It's keeping my apartment clean, actually doing work at work, spending time with friends (that doesn't revolve around food), marveling at art and realizing my own artistic abilities. I am coming into my own. I am o.k. to be alone. To spend an entire day just doing what I want to do with no contact. Not in a depressed " I don't want to see anyone" kind of way. Rather, in a totally selfish "I need to recharge my battery" way without feeling guilty about it.

Yet another post where I intended to just write about the fact that I am now exercising (walking and light weight lifting...it feels great!) and instead something else comes pouring out.I really should stop underestimating how powerful it is to write.

Weigh In Wednesday!!

Well folks it's that time again! Weigh in day and while I feel like utter crap today I can't help but smile because...I lost another 5 POUNDS. That is a whopping 32 pounds gone from my body. I have surpassed yet another goal which I can't believe. Wasn't it just last week that I met another goal? Before long I will be blowing past the next one and I will have to make some new ones! I originally wanted to lose 50 pounds before my 30th birthday but I think I need to change that. What do you think it should be? I am thinking that at this rate perhaps 80 pounds is reachable. That seems so insane to me (yet wonderful).

I am heading back to bed now safe in the knowledge that I rocked the hell out of this week! I will leave you all with this little home remedy.

Make your own heating pad:

1. Find an old tube sock (make sure it's clean)

2. Fill the toe up with rice (not instant just regular rice)

3. Tie a knot to keep the rice in the sock

4. Place in microwave for 2-3 minutes (I personally only do 1 minute because I don't like it too hot).  If it is too hot place a towel around it to protect your skin.

Enjoy the healing power of heat!

Dealing with Loss

Today we had to put down my sweet dog Scooby. It was sudden and overwhelming but there was nothing we could for him other than make sure he was out of pain. He was a great dog. Funny, a big mush, odd at times but always loving. I have never had to put down a pet before and it hit me harder than I imagined. I think that is in part due (largely I think) to the fact that I no longer have a barrier (i.e. food) to my emotions. I just had to let the sadness come and cry. I hate crying, more than most things, because it always feels unstoppable. Like once you start it's never going to end. However, as we all know, the tears stop and you move on. I wasn't there for when they put him down but I did go and say my good byes. It was scary. I have dealt with death before, more than I would like to think about but I was always at a distance. I wasn't there when any relative passed away, just funerals (which is hard enough). I know that losing Scooby wasn't as hard as losing my Uncle but it was still upsetting none the less. 

I can come away from this knowing that I didn't give into G calling me to eat away the pain. He did win a small battle in that I did have a cigarette. However, I am not going to beat myself up for it. I did it, it's done, and I won't be having any more. I did the best I could and that is all I can ask of myself.

                                                                Rest In Peace Scoobers

Weigh-In Wednesday!!

It is with overwhelming excitement that I bring you my weekly weigh-in. Are you all ready for this? Seriously, I hope you are sitting down (I gather you are otherwise you are reading me on the go and that is not advised!). So for this week I have lost.....9 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!! Let that number sink in folks...9 freaking pounds!  I had to weigh myself 4 times this morning just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating! That brings my 1st month total to...27 POUNDS. What does 27 pounds look like?

How about this....

 Or this...

Or even...

I LOST A FREAKING CANOE PEOPLE!!! That is so hard to wrap my brain around that I can't help but laugh (not a ha-ha laugh, more like a "I wouldn't sit next to you on the subway" kind of laugh) I have officially blown past my first goal and am just a mere 3 pounds away from my second goal (haircut here I come!). I am euphoric today and am so proud of myself. I know there is only more moments like this to come!  
GO ME!

Oh How Time Flies!!!

I am in slight disbelief as I write this but I have reached 1 month on Medifast. It's incredibly surreal. Some day's I feel as though I have been on it for months and others I can't believe how time has flown. One month is an incredible milestone for anyone but especially for me. I have never been able to do anything like this for more than a month (and I bitched & moaned the entire time). Unless you count that time I went to Camp Kingsmont (AKA Fat Camp) but that was more like forced activity then learning how to eat right/feel better about yourself. I do however highly recommend that camp for anyone who has overweight children. It is the one time in my life where I was surrounded by kids my age who were going through the same exact thing I was. I didn't feel so strange or freak-like after, which is what gave me the strength to make my high school career spectacular (not to brag or anything).

Wow, I went off on a slight tangent there. However, I think it proves my point. I have struggled with this issue my entire life.I have been to exercise specialists, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, doctors, therapists & even aroma therapy all before the age of 14. Then for the past 15 years (yikes!) I just kind of gave up on it. I figured you could either love me the way I am or get ta step-in! The trouble with that theory was that I didn't love me. I could never figure out why people liked me or wanted to be around me since I didn't see much there to be worthy of. I knew I was funny and outgoing but that all seemed like one big facade, trying to prove my point that I could be fat and still live a "normal" life. Now though, I see things so differently. I see that I am funny, I am outgoing, I am someone who is deserving of all her amazing friends & the strangers who are dying to meet her. I used to be so scared that when the weight was gone (or going rather) that I would somehow lose my identity. That I wouldn't know who I was anymore. The truth is, I didn't know myself until I started this journey. I am getting to know more & more about myself each and every day. I am grateful for my "ah-ha" moment every day.

This post turned out far differently than I thought it would! I was just going to talk about how awesome I am and how much I have accomplished. Guess I had more to say than I thought! My other reason for this post was to share my measurements with all of you. My oh so amazing Mother took my measurements the day before I started. So far I have lost:

1 inch from my Neck
2 1/2 inches total from my Arms
2 1/2 inches from my Chest
4 1/2 inches from my Waist

Annnnndddd...(drum roll)


7 inches from my Hips!!!

That's a grand total of 17 1/2 inches in 1 month!!!! I couldn't have asked for a better monthaversary than that!

An Interview with G-Man

While looking through my drawer at work I found one of my notepads from a few months ago. I know, I know...your thinking "Lynne, really? Who gives a rat's ass?". WELL if you had given me a chance to finish I could have told you I found something(man! you guys are impatient!). I was in an incredibly boring meeting and I started to write down anything that came into my head. As I meandered through various thoughts, I suddenly stumble across G (for those of you new to my blog click here to see who G is). It looks like I am actually interviewing him, with one handwriting for me and another one for him. If I had a fancy scanner (what is this 1995?) I would just scan this baby in and you could see for yourself. Alas though I am scanner-less(and less of a person for it damn it!) so I will have to transcribe it for you.
Ready? Ok let's go!

Me: There is never a good time to do this

G: I DON'T WANT TO!!! (sounds like someone is being a bit of a baby)

Me: Why?Why? Why? Why? Why? (being equally as petulant back..fight fire with fire I always say)

G: Because it means change. You don't know that all the incredibly hard work will be worth the effort.

Me: What else are you doing? Your just going through each day, not really living.(Truth)

G: What is living? (looks like G is going Emo on us)

Me: Saddest question ever!! Why are you so against these things?

G: It only leads to pain

Me: So you're painless now?

G:  No....but I am comfortable

Me: Comfortable how?

G: In my routine. People let me get away with sooooo much

Me: Why don't you want to be responsible?

G: What's good about it?

Me: Knowing that YOU controlled your life. Not your weight. Not your friends and family. YOU!!!

G: Do I win an award for that? Who gives a shit? What do I get? (ummm...needy much?)

Me: You do. You get the option to do things because you either want to or not....not because you CAN'T.

G: It's going to take years!! 

Me: Of course it is...but by the time your 30 you could either be the true you or stay a child. It will never change until you do something. It's okay to ASK FOR HELP!!!.


To be honest it is really emotional for me to read this. I didn't write it long ago. I see me, I see G, then I see where the lines blur and we are one. I am glad I have this though, as a reference. To see just where I was and where I plan on going. And that, my friends, is as far away from G as possible.