Heyyyyyy...It's been a little while huh?

After much poking, prodding and behests made in my general direction to get writing again, I am back. I don't have much to say. To say I went off plan would be an understatement. I fell right back into my old habits like teenage girls fall for Justin Beiber..hard. There are some feelings that I love when I am "off plan". The freedom to eat anything and everything I want. Not having to avoid social engagements so that I can ensure that I won't eat my face off. Having new eating experiences with my boyfriend. All of these things are reasons I give myself to justify over eating. What I never seem to remember is the negative attached to it.

The way I feel about myself now is exactly how I felt about myself at 380 pounds. Except now I have new and fun things to beat myself up about. How I am letting myself, my friends and family, down by eating off plan. How tight my pants have become. How I feel unattractive and generally shitty about my appearance. How I allow these thoughts to fuel the voices in my head (which never went away) about how worthless, untalented, unworthy and unimportant to myself I feel. I now know that these feelings will never leave. No matter how much weight I lose, I will always feel these things about myself. What can be done about it? Not sure..not yet anyway.

I am back on plan now (1 week in) mostly because I REFUSE to buy pants in a larger size. Not to mention, the most amazing man in the world (besides my Dad), my boyfriend,  has joined in the fight against fat. I am so proud of him for taking on this beast of a task. It's not an easy plan by any means but he is taking it on with gusto (just another reason why I love him).

I can't promise I will write more. I can't promise that I will not make you want to rip your hair out at my illogical thought patterns. I can promise though that I will try. That's all any of us can do isn't it?
(Random side note: I just noticed that it's been exactly 2 months since I have written anything..eerie stuff)

Yes, I am alive...

As I have received a few messages wondering where I am or how I am doing I figured I should check in with y'all. I got nothing. I didn't step on the scale this week. Why? Because I know my eating hasn't been great and I haven't exercised to make up for it. Therefore, I know it won't be anything good. Avoidance isn't what I aim for but at the same time, why beat myself up further? I am well aware that I am fucking this up royally right now. I am not eating right. I am not exercising. I am not happy with my choices, yet I can't seem to stop myself. It's too easy to eat bad. It's too easy to fall back into old habits.

Why I am doing it is the question I keep asking myself. Perhaps it is all the change I see coming my way that has me uneasy (as excited for the change as I am, change is never easy). I feel like my focus is gone. Not just on my diet but in general. I find my brain shutting down, my eyes unfocused and going glassy. It's always been hard for me to concentrate but it seems when I have a lot of things swirling through my head, it gets even worse. With me, when things get too numerous, I tend to shut down. For example, even though I am months away from moving, I think about it all the time. I think about all the big and little things that need to get done. I can't do anything about most of this for a few months, so why am I letting it occupy my thoughts? Not sure but I can't seem to get them to stop. No matter how many times I tell myself to take a deep breath and let it go, they pop up again. It's like a huge to-do list and I can't check anything off. Hence why it's making me crazy. I am not good at waiting for things I really want. I will put off things I hate to do or don't want to do till the last minute.

Le sigh...I know I have it in me to keep losing weight, but it's not a priority for me right now. Maybe after Thanksgiving, I can give myself some time to exercise and that might help. Ok, not maybe, I WILL make time. I have to. I know it can make me feel better. So there. That's manageable. I can do that. Thanks blog..you always know how to make me feel better (and you, my dear friends as well)

Weigh In Wednesday

Up and down..up and down.. now I know what people mean by yo-yo dieting! I am up 2 pounds. I have not given up on my goals but as I have been saying for some time now, I have no focus. I see myself reverting back to some old habits but to be honest I'm not sure why that is.Things in my life are going really well in general. I have a new car (thank you to all parties who made that possible!), I have some money in savings, I no longer have debt hanging over my head and I have firm plans to move in with my most amazing boyfriend in April. Life seems to be heading in one great direction but I feel no different on the inside. Perhaps the change (since I am such a HUGE fan of change) is making me want to act out in not so good for me ways. In many ways, I feel no different about myself then I did a year or more ago. I still don't see myself in a light that is positive for the most part. I don't take pleasure in my success. I see myself as average at best. Average doesn't deserve praise as far as I'm concerned. I don't know how to change my view of myself. I hate (deep abiding hatred) self affirmations (they feel icky and wrong and contrite). I've done the therapy thing on and off for years. I am stubborn in my self hatred. It is my comfort zone.

All that being said, I know I must be different than a year ago. While some of the base emotions are the same. The same self hating thoughts floating through my head. I know that I am capable of change. I don't like it but now I know I can do it. Perhaps it's time to baby step my way into some self love (and not the dirty kind you perverts). It is the hardest part of losing weight. Getting over the reasons why you were obese to begin with.

Weigh In Wednesday

What's up everyone! I hope you are all doing well on this sunny fall day. I am down 3 pounds which I am pleased with. It's been hard to stay on plan. Mr. Gollum is being quite pushy these days. A little cheat here and there but overall I have been on plan. I think it's important to me that even if I am not perfect that I don't allow that to be a license to over eat. Over eating is kind of my jam. I love the feeling of it to be honest (not the after effects though). There is something about not having to be controlled. About giving in to what you want and not worrying about the consequences. I think everyone has moments like those. Where they don't want to be an adult, with responsibilities. I wish I were one of those people who gets joy from eating healthy. I am sorry but quinoa, whole wheat pasta and veggies will never get my heart racing quite like ice cream, pretzels and assorted dips will (yes I know those are random things but they are what popped into my head first). However, I am learning to appreciate what those healthy foods do make me feel (which is less sluggish and proud of my good choices).

This journey ain't easy folks. I know there are things that I should be doing more of but I am resisting for some reason. I am working on why but for now I am happy to be on a downward spiral..for once!

Weigh In Wednesday

It's back kids..Weigh In Wednesday! As always with the first week there was a nice drop in my weight...no big deal..yeah you know..just 18 pounds. I swear to god I am not making this stuff up. Last week my scale screamed 238 at me (it's pretty obnoxious). This morning it somewhat incredulously said 220. Is it really possible to retain 18 pounds of water weight?I have such a hard time with these numbers sometimes. I can't image gaining 22 pounds in 3 weeks as much as I can't believe losing 18 in a week.

My energy levels aren't quite back up to where they were (I mourn their loss most of all). I know that it will take some time (as it took almost 7 months of weight loss to get them the first time). Budget wise I don't know if a gym is do able at this time. That doesn't mean I can't take advantage of the resources I have at home (looks like fitness video's are gonna make a comeback at my apartment!) . One way or the other I am doing my best to stay focused. It's never going to be perfect.

Forgiveness Friday

Forgiveness..something I can easily give to others but rarely( if ever) to myself. However, dear friends and readers..I am giving myself some forgiveness. For falling so far off my path that I am worried I won't be able to find my way back. For not keeping up with this blog in a way that is helpful to me and hopefully entertaining to you. For losing sight of my goals.

We all have times like these. Where living in the moment takes away from the future plans we have. I don't regret any of it for a minute though (well maybe eating nothing but fried food one day which resulted in laying on the bathroom floor for a few hours...I regret that). I allowed myself to indulge and in the process learned a lot about myself. I know that while in the moment it felt amazing to eat the lobster tail pastry so jammed full of whipped cream and custard that I am pretty sure my eyes rolled back in my head several times...........Sorry, I got lost there for a moment..where was I..Oh yes. SO while I enjoyed experiences like that I have gained back 22 pounds in the process. In no way did I intend for that to happen but I did nothing to prevent it either. I have been beating myself up for a day or two now..but realized quickly that it doesn't make it better. I did what I did and I forgive myself. Now it's time to refocus and not allow myself to get off track for a while. The holidays are coming up quick. I want to be as focused as I was last year. I want to feel energized again.

Starting as of yesterday, I am back on Medifast. I am currently at 238 pounds. I am going to focus on that lovely number of 199. I would love to see that number (or less) by Christmas.

Hey...

*peeks head around the corner* Hi..*comes around the corner* It's been a little while. While today is a Wednesday I don't have any weight news to share. Why? Because I didn't get on the scale today. I decided that it was better to leave what I already know (I've gained weight) unsaid. By stepping on that scale to confirm these thoughts I was worried that a shame spiral of epic proportions would start. Not that I don't feel shameful for not getting on the scale but it is on a much smaller scale. So what's up with me? Not too sure. I know that I am being unreasonable, insanely tough on myself and in general pretty pessimistic about my life.

I am going to take the advice of my amazing friend, Nora and not be so tough on myself. I am always harder on me than anyone else. In an effort to not just totally shut down and go into a dark place, I am taking some pressure off myself. By not weighing in this week I took the pressure of performance and meeting the expectations of others off myself. Are these made up expectations? Perhaps but they are real to me. We all go through times of self doubt and questions of self worth. Mine seems to be now. I know I will emerge on the other side. In the meantime, I am going to keep trying to write and work though what is causing these feelings. Who knows what I might find...